Conspiracy Theory Addiction Is Real

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

All dietary advice was fruit company conspiracy​

Fruit companies have misled the public into thinking fat and processed sugar are bad, it has emerged.

As it emerged that saturated fats are good for you, researchers pointed the finger at major fruit producers, known collectively as ‘Big Fruit’.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Everyone knows Mars bars are nicer than fruit – and therefore better for you. Fruit companies pay scientists to falsify data saying fruit is good for you while slagging off everything else.

“That's how powerful Big Fruit is.

“In my son's school canteen, they're selling fruit for virtually nothing to get kids hooked at an early age.

“If you watch a sitcom or soap opera, you’ll notice bowls of fruit in kitchens – bananas, oranges and gleaming apples.

“You see fruit every day in paintings and wallpaper designs. All part of the campaign to make us fruit puppets.

“Actually you can get all the fruit you need from eating a packet of Starburst every day.”

Mother-of-two Emma said: “If fruit was really good for you it wouldn’t make for such an unsatisfying meal.

“Yesterday I ate four pears and was still starving. Compare that to a single bag of chips which totally sets you up for the day, especially if you add mayonnaise.”

Conspiracist Stu Pidkunt said: Dieticians are liars and hate ordinary people. That's why they invented atom bombs and germs and won't let you eat what you want.

“From now on I’m only listening to my stomach.”

TY@TDM

 

[Dropship]

One wacky consp-theory is that terrorists didn't do 9/11.
Huh, they'll be telling us next it was Mary Poppins who done it..
OH WAIT, this startling new footage has just emerged!!-

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

PART FORTY

We increasingly seem to be a nation of Covid conspiracy theorist lunatics.

So if you want to obsess over paranoid nonsense, which theory should you opt for?


Anti-vaxxer

Excellent conspiracy theory because you can project your own mad ideas onto it. What’s in the vaccine? Microchips? Mind-control drugs? Extra-terrestrial blood? Death? Let your imagination run free, and be sure to call anyone who disagrees with you a brainwashed puppet sheep.

5G

Is a slightly higher-bandwidth mobile network the ideal method of enslaving the population? Possibly not. Experts in the field such as Joseph Stalin or Saddam Hussein, would argue that secret police, informants and lengthy prison sentences are more effective.

The JFK assassination

Classic conspiracy bollocks like a vintage wine. Marine marksman Lee Harvey Oswald shot a man in a slow-moving open car from a good vantage point, but don’t let that stop you developing a complex theory about the Mafia trying to kill Marilyn for sleeping with Fidel Castro because Jack Ruby worked for NASA. You’ll get plenty of followers online.

The Earth is flat

So retro it’s new, and there are a myriad ways to disprove it. Just go to the edge and see if you fall off. Really more for alternative conspiracy theorists who get off on winding up the squares or the genuinely troubled who can’t understand why if the planet’s a sphere every walk isn’t downhill.

Offensive 9/11 dreadfulness

These nutters are untroubled by the horrible deaths of thousands of innocents, so why not join them? Very fertile ground for loony ideas; if you’re bored of the mundane concept of the CIA carrying out a ‘false flag’ operation, there’s always the possibility that the airliner attacks on the Pentagon were ‘laser holograms’ or that 'Building 7' was a controlled something moronic. Yes, that’s a real idea.

Nazi UFOs

Why bother with the halfway plausible? Get into Nazi flying saucers and bore strangers with outlandish claims that Die Glocke was a genuine anti-gravity device. With the bonus that if you’re right, you get to meet a Wolfenstein-style robot Hitler on the dark side of the moon.

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

PART FORTY ONE

Anti-vax conspiracists move on to Lemsip​

Vaccine sceptics are now condemning Lemsip, the popular lemon-flavoured cold and flu remedy, as government mind control.

Not content with discouraging the Covid vaccine which has demonstrably stopped the spread of Covid while reducing hospitalisations and deaths, the movement is now calling Lemsip ‘the harbinger of the New World Order’.

Anti-vaxxer Stu Pidkunt, 69, said: “Battling one of the most impressive achievements of modern medicine has been a bit of an uphill battle. But turning people against Lemsip will be easy because it tastes like sweetened piss.''

“We won’t need to bullshit about how Lemsip contains nanochips that rewrite your DNA and track your movements.''

''We’ll just bring back horrible memories of downing the foul sh1t which made you retch when you were already ill.''

“We’ve been drinking this disgusting citrus powder for decades and it hasn’t eliminated fevers, headaches and blocked noses, so it’s clearly fake.''

“Even if you drink Lemsip you can still transmit a nasty cold. It’s a conspiracy to wipe out Night Nurse.”

Mr Bowring Fanee said: “Now I think about it, Lemsip was always pushed on me by women in the office I hated. The loonies are right. And the blackcurrant flavour’s even worse.”

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

 

[Brass]

PART FORTY

Excellent conspiracy theory because you can project your own mad ideas onto it.

Yes. Now you're getting it!

Consider this: You know the test doesn't tell you what you need it to tell you, and you know that because the CDC has stated as much. But you've projected your brand of madness onto their statement so that, in your mind, it means that the test is great.

For some reason--actually, we all know the reason--you avoid explaining your rationale for doing such a mindless thing as taking a test that won't tell you what you need to know. Surprise us with something only you know about the English language. How is it that "doesn't tell you what you need to know" magically becomes "tells you exactly what you need to know"?

Now let's talk about your misinformed idea that an experimental injection that doesn't prevent infection or transmission is going to protect those around you. What's your rationale for believing that? Actually there's no rationale for believing such a thing. That's why it should be interesting to see how you justify such mad mental processes. Of course, if you can provide something from one of your sources that shows that the experimental injection does indeed prevent infection and transmission, this would be the time to bring that out. If not, we'll be forced to assume that you have nothing. Okay, we're already forced to assume you have nothing, but this should make it official.

You have a lot of hostility toward those who haven't received the experimental injection. If you believe in it, why are worried about people who haven't received it? Obviously you think it works, but only if everyone gets it. Now isn't that some strange reasoning?

If only you could talk . . .

 

[Dropship]

While I don’t subscribe to that conspiracy, I’m yet to read any credible reason for Building 7.

WTC7 got zapped by debris from the collapsing towers-
WIKI- "As the North Tower collapsed on September 11, 2001, heavy debris hit 7 World Trade Center, damaging the south face of the building and starting fires that continued to burn throughout the afternoon"

7 World Trade Center - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

PS- as a matter of interest you mention Andrew Bridgen MP in your sig, what exactly is his stance on Ukraine?

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

PART FORTY TWO​

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The six stages of becoming a conspiracy theory anti-mask lunatic​

Every wondered how someone goes from being normal to becoming a ranting conspiracy theorist screaming about ‘muzzles’ and 'face nappies'?

Here are the stages that take them there:


The beginning - Dole scroungers

The gateway drug to through-the-looking-glass lunacy is usually ‘dole scroungers’. After developing a taste for being outraged by largely made-up stuff, you’re well on their way to believing stuff that’s patently false just to feel the same buzz.


Next it's - Paedos

The next 90s tabloid obsession was incensed, out-of-proportion paedophile coverage. A cause to latch onto for the ghoulish drama, but also because it’s easy to feel superior in comparison to literally the worst people in existence.


From there moving on to - Immigration

Call it a hunch, but most anti-maskers are not likely to be big fans of immigration. This dismal fixation confirms that it’s fun to feel aggrieved even if it’s bollocks, e.g. the entire population of Turkey wants to move to Canterbury.


Following that comes - Brexit

Brexit opened the lunacy floodgates: judges are traitors, Merkel is Hitler without the Panzers, David Davis is a skilled negotiator. When you’re living in a fantasy world, it’s not a huge mental leap to believing scientists are making you wear masks as an S&M domination thing.


Including - pick one from: 9/11, the Illuminati, chemtrails, QAnon, Roswell, flat-earther or simulation theory

Go freeform for the penultimate stage of your journey to the far side and enjoy any one of the above. Don’t worry, they’re all on YouTube/Infowars.


And finally - Anti-mask protester

After years of contrarian bullshit, cretins now believe wearing a mask for ten minutes in Boots is government oppression. No doubt they’ll soon campaign against the draconian laws stopping you enjoying a nice glass of weedkiller.

TY@TDM

 

[Brass]

PART FORTY TWO​

The first and only stage of becoming an unresponsive drone-like believer in a test that doesn't work and an experimental injection that doesn't prevent infection or transmission. ​

You must first make a firm decision to let nothing new in and nothing old out. For instance, when confronted with this:

“Detection of viral RNA may not indicate the presence of infectious virus or that 2019-nCoV is the causative agent for clinical symptoms. The performance of this test has not been established for monitoring treatment of 2019-nCoV infection. This test cannot rule out diseases caused by other bacterial or viral pathogens.” — The Centers For Disease Control and Prevention

. . . you must pretend that you didn't hear it or that you don't understand what they're telling you. Of course, everyone reading this does understand what they are saying. The only question left to you is what handicap prevents you from understanding what "cannot rule out diseases caused by other bacterial or viral pathogens" means. Are you dyslexic? When you see the word "cannot," do you instead see the word "can"? Must be. Otherwise, you'd look pretty foolish believing that that statement from the CDC means the test can tell you what you need to know.

You can't really enjoy making yourself look so braindead. So why don't you explain what the CDC really meant there? Then we'll know whether you're braindead or in fact dyslexic.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

PART FORTY THREE

Ignorance really is bliss, conspiracy theory halfwits confirm​

Conspiracy theory idiots are in universal agreement that not knowing anything is indeed the secret to eternal happiness.

People unburdened by the curse of knowledge have revealed that they’re free from worry about coronavirus, vaccines, climate change, and the existence of nuclear weapons.

Simpleton Mr Stu Pidkhunt, 62, said: “At school I realised that education was a one-way ticket to misery. Since then I’ve sacked off learning entirely and I haven’t looked back.

“I drift through life without a care in the world. I can’t even spell ‘pandemic’, let alone get my head around the terrifying implications of if there was one. Which I’m pretty sure there hasn’t been for a while.”

Imbecile Mr Bowring Fanee, 58, added: “Smart people like Einstein and Brian Cox always seem miserable. Even that statue of the man having a think looks down in the dumps.

“They want to cheer up by putting down boring old books and scroll mindlessly through social media instead. InfoWars and YouTube is all the edukashun I knead.

“That’s what I do, as well as sharing tweets urging the Royal Navy to massacre Channel migrants, just to put a smile on everyone’s face.”

TY@TDM