Conspiracy Theory Addiction Is Real

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

PART FIFTY FOUR​

Neil Oliver, David Ike's twin, bravely pledges to enter chemo wards and spit on patients for freedom​

Neil Oliver, a David Ike twin, and former TV archaeologist now turned heroic plague rat, has struck a blow for freedom by promising to submit people with severely compromised immune systems to a barrage of infections, causing him to be praised across the land for his sense of sacrifice.

GB News fan and dedicated anti-vaccine and anti-masker Ray Cyst, 64, was one of many to admire the avuncular Scotsman’s dedication to the welfare of others.

“He’s such a great man. I try to do my bit for liberty by handing out printed interpretations of Magna Carta to minimum wage employees in service jobs whenever they ask me to abide by some basic rules. But Neil has really gone all out by swearing that he’d infect people at high risk of dying instead of following some basic hygiene precautions or growing up and taking a simple shot.

“As a veteran of many World War 2 re-enactments, I see in Neil the same kind of bravery that allows people in their sixties to constantly refer to a conflict they had no part in when discussing contemporary attitudes.

“Neil, like Albion, stands alone against the tyrannical forces of government overreach and basic consideration for other humans.”

However, some have accused Mr Oliver-Ike of being disingenuous in his commitment to spreading disease and claim that it is part of a broader strategy by GB News.

Critics of the fledgling channel point to its recent attempts at creating buzz by trying to defund one of the UK’s most loved charities as well as having a Scottish man who looks and sounds like David Ike promise to kill your nan using his minging saliva.

Industry insiders predict the channel will soon abandon all topical commentary to solely focus on elderly and middle-aged racist white men saying what made them ragey rage and spitting angry today.

TY@NT

 

[breakwake_]

Who knew conspiracy theories exist about conspiracy theorists where people that don't consider themselves conspiracy theorists believe in conspiracy theories about conspiracy theorists. Belief is weird.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

PART FIFTY FIVE​

Antivaxer almost caught up on all of the important epidemiology research he missed yesterday because his modem broked!​

Following yesterday’s modem outage, antivaxer, far right crank and conspiracy nutcase Ray Cyst-Itis, 69, admitted that he has almost caught up on all the important research he missed out on during the downtime.

After his router was down for almost the entire evening, Cyst-Itis said he was unable to conduct his usual level of important original research and critical peer review through the medium of memes, far right fake news sites and white supremist websites.

He told us, “I am delighted my modem is working, and I can finally get back to the important business of demonstrating my ignorance through pictures and fake news articles that other people have put together for me to share.

“While my modem was down I wasn’t once misled by a persuasive meme or conspiracy news article to believe a piece of nonsense research that I could then disseminate on a chatroom forum as ‘the truth’.

“That is the real cost of the downtime. Without all of those fake news items to share I was getting dangerously close to having an original thought of my own, and God help us if that happens.

“Thankfully everything was back to normal online this morning, and I’ve been hard at it ever since. I’ve consumed so much misinformation in the last eight hours it’s like yesterday never even happened.

“And if you want to know why my modem went down, I have a very persuasive conspiracy website news page I can show you that proves incontrovertibly it was Dr Fauci who took my modem down because he was worried about the people on the chatroom forum finally discovering that Covid is a scam and the vaccine has a tracking microchip.

“It says so in this webpage here so it must be true.”

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

PART FIFTY SIX​

Man seemingly determined to out himself as an ignorant simpleton​

A man has this morning decided to publicly out himself as a low-information moron by pointing at the sky and loudly shouting ‘chemtrails’.

Ray Cyst, 64, has never been one for formal education, having spent most of his science classes at school melting plastic pens with a Bunsen burner. However, he has decided that he is now an expert on the distribution of chemical and biological agents from passenger jets at 30,000 feet.

“They’re doing it to poison us, obviously,” said Cyst in a completely unobvious explanation.

“Just look up, and there they are. Criss-crossing the sky, raining chemicals down on us to control us all. They want us all to be passive zombies so they can control everything. There is no other possible explanation for it.

Non-moron and retired teacher, Derek Matthews, told us, “*Sigh*. The explanation is very simple. Hot humid air from the engine exhaust mixes with the colder surrounding air, causing the water vapour to condense into droplets or ice crystals that form visible ‘cloud’ trails. The rate at which these contrails dissipate is entirely dependent on the ambient weather conditions at 30,000 feet. If the air is extremely dry, they disappear quickly. If the atmosphere is near saturation, they can stay visible for quite a long time, at which point gullible morons will point at them from the ground and shout ‘chemtrails!’.

“This is all very basic physics, and if Ray had paid just a tiny bit of notice at school, he would have understood this. But every class had a Ray, who paid no attention in lessons but is now an expert on every conspiracy going. I bet you can name yours right now, can’t you?

“Still, it is quite entertaining for the rest of us. Witnessing the unerring confidence of the perpetually ill-informed is one of life’s little pleasures for us non-morons.”

TY@NT

 

[Dropship]

The chemtrail theory can easily be debunked by pointing out that the Authorities would certainly never shower the stuff on their families on the ground..

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Is Hunter Biden’s laptop irrefutable proof of a top-level political conspiracy, or were you dropped on your head as a child?​

Ray Cyst, a truck driver from Texas, said, “Hunter Biden’s laptop is proof the 2020 election was stolen from Donald Trump. I don’t have to draw you a line between the two, because it’s obvious. The son of a presidential candidate had some emails, and therefore Donald Trump should still be President.

“As for your other question, yes, I fell out of a tree when I was three, but my folks said I was lucky because my face broke the fall.”

Next up, Stu Pydkhunt, a Floridian retiree and former shop worker, whined that, “Hunter Biden should be in jail. I haven’t actually read anything that was on his laptop, obviously, but the nice man on the television with the nice hair and the nice teeth said he was a criminal, and that was enough for me.

“And no, I was never dropped on my head as a child. I was however kicked in the head by a horse, which is a very different thing altogether.”

Finally, Worran Arzole, a crypto-enthusiast tin foil hat wearer from Idaho, muttered, “The fact that the democrats tried to keep the Hunter Biden laptop story out of the news is concrete proof that everything they say about it is true. Unlike the actual fraud convictions of the Trump organisation, which are all fake news, obviously.

''No, I was never dropped on my head as a child. But I did have to stop playing football in junior high after this one tackle left me unconscious for over an hour.”

So there we have it, there is no definitive link between being dropped on your head as a baby and believing Hunter Biden’s laptop is a smoking gun that proves the 2020 election was stolen.

However, if you’ve ever suffered any other sort of traumatic brain injury or significant concussive event, then it’s highly likely you can be convinced the election was stolen from Donald Trump.

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Doctors uncover link between more children getting measles and their parents being gullible morons​

With the same number of cases confirmed in the first three months of this year as in the whole of last year, medical professionals are keen to address what they see as the root cause of measles amongst the nation’s children – their thick parents.

Dr Simon Williams told us, “It’s a sad indictment of the nation’s parenting skills that hundreds of thousands of them are too dim to realise they are risking their child’s health by not getting them vaccinated.

“They think they’re doing the right thing because they read a fake news article about vaccines on a website that has the word ‘natural’ in the domain name or because a disgraced MP told them vaccinations are evil.

“The real challenge isn’t to get more children vaccinated; it’s to stop more parents being ridiculously gullible online. If we can stop them from believing evidence-free nonsense about vaccines, then children will get vaccinated and avoid illnesses that are not only preventable but are life-threatening to some.

“Unfortunately, a lot of them are too stupid to realise just how stupid they are being. There’s very little we can do to help those people, unfortunately.

“If you’re not clear on just how dim they are, just look at the memes they will inevitably post on social media in the comments beneath this article.”

Researchers have suggested that if parents won’t listen to the medical experts on vaccines, maybe they should take a look at the sort of people who are arguing against vaccines, like well-known moron-herders Katie Hopkins, David Icke and Andrew Bridgen.

Williams went on, “At the end of the day, we assume the anti-vax movement actually wants to keep their children healthy. But maybe they’re just really into infant mortality?

“Or maybe they’re just doing what they can to address global over-population by culling a portion of each generation using preventable diseases? It’s the only thing that makes their position look sensible.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Concern that the rise in conspiracy theories could be the work of a secret organisation of powerful elites​

There is concern that a rise in the number and prominence of conspiracy theories is actually the work of a shadowy secret organisation of powerful elites that includes the King, Tony Blair, and space lizards from the planet Rigor-7.

It is suspected that they are flooding the world with nonsensical theories about 9/11, chemtrails, and the moon landings actually taking place in Wyoming to distract from their globalist agenda and prevent normal people from figuring out what’s REALLY going on.

“It just doesn’t make sense that so many conspiracy theories could have emerged at the same time by coincidence,” said Barry Onions, an artisan shoelace weaver and free-thinker from Chorley.

“I mean, they’re everywhere, aren’t they?

There has to be someone behind them all, and it makes sense that ‘someone’ would be a shadowy secret organisation of elites featuring the King, Tony Blair, and space lizards from the planet Rigor-7.”

Mr Onions has yet to discover the nature of their agenda.

“Their agenda?

Well, it’s a globalist agenda, obviously. It always is with these shadowy secret organisations, but exactly what that means, or what they’re up to, I’m not sure yet.

“I’d imagine that they’re probably using the conspiracy theories to distract from their mining of the Earth’s resources in order to create a special life-preserving serum that they will use to extend their lives and rule over the subjugated masses of Earth for years to come.

“Something like that anyway.”

Spokespeople for the King and Tony Blair have dismissed the claims as “absurd nonsense”.

The space lizards of Rigor-7 have yet to issue a comment.

TY@NT