Toe Rees Today: Another load of mad old boIIocks

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

No-one standing between Reet-Smugg and the bullies​

That useless arse stain and walking broomstick Jaycloth Reet-Smugg has suddenly realised that everyone who used to protect him from the bullies has left Parliament.

The member for North East Somerset entered the Commons at a crisp 7.30am for a breakfast of devilled kedgeree when he looked up and saw that his friends were gone and his enemies were everywhere.

He said: “Ah. Like Publius Quinctilius Varus in the the Teutoburg Forest, I seem to have overplayed my hand.

“While Boris was never actually present he held sway from afar, via the WhatsApp's. But in his absence Dorries no longer acts as his eyes and ears, Nigel Adams’s knuckleduster lies idle, Raab is working from home, and I fear I scent retribution.

“I have not always been kind to my cohort of fellow Parliamentarians, complacent that the twin engines of Boris and Brexit would rule for a thousand years, and now groups huddle, mutter and point I see broken spectacles flushed down a ministerial toilet in my future.

“Andrea Jenkyns will not save me – for her, cruelty is an end in itself – and before end of day my inherited Savile Row undergarments will be deeply embedded in my sphincter.

“I texted Boris beseeching his help so I can at least sneak out with my groin unbooted. He has not replied.”

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Public support for Boris Johnson down to the last few deluded far right sycophants and simps​

Following the damning publication of the Commons privileges committee’s report into the conduct of Boris Johnson, support for the former prime minister has now fallen to the point that the only people publicly supporting him are the deluded sycophants and simps.

Following the publication of the report, even those who voted for Boris in 2019 are now attempting to deny that reality.

Boris fan Ray Cyst told us, “I love Boris, and I will go to my grave insisting he’s the best thing that ever happened to this country – which he is if you ignore all the horrific stuff that he did and all the terrible stuff that happened while he was prime minister.

“Just because an independent committee of MPs now say he lied to parliament, and voters claim they no longer believe a word he says, doesn’t mean he’s lost the public’s trust. It’s much more likely they all decided to lie, and they secretly still support him.

“The people I speak to regularly still love Boris as much as they did in 2019. Well, I say ‘speak to’; it’s more like ‘chat with’ in our ‘We love Boris completely and unconditionally’ Facebook group.”

Meanwhile, non-morons have welcomed the entertainment factor of watching Boris simps continuing to insist their hero still has a future in frontline politics.

Diana Princess told us, “Oh, he’s toast. Everyone knows it. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t amusing watching people trying to pretend he’s still got a shot at the top job if he decides to make a return.

“I’m sure it’s embarrassing for their loved ones watching them publicly debase themselves online like this in their unrelenting quest to promote Boris, but honestly, it takes all sorts. And it might be that being humiliated by better-informed strangers online is their kink. No judgement here.

“It’s just a shame we were deprived of the opportunity to watch him lose his seat at the next election.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

The far right thick mans thick man and totally useless c.unt Lee '30p' Anderson, whose political colleague watched tractor porn during a busy work meeting says the BBC is ‘a safe haven for perverts’, ​

The thick mans thick man and c.untish mouth-breathing moron-herder, Tory Lee '30p' Anderson has described the BBC as a ‘safe haven for perverts’, seemingly unaware of all the sexual misconduct allegations against the people with whom he works so closely.

Anderson seems keen to see the BBC take the blame for the behaviour of one of its twenty-thousand employees, while simultaneously seeing the Tories take no blame whatsoever for the wide range of sexual miscreants who entered parliament under their banner in 2019.

Anderson said, “The BBC is FULL of perverts; that much is clear to everyone, and I resent the insinuation that there are any Tory perverts in the Tory parliamentary intake of 2019.

“Apart from Chris Pincher, who resigned and lost the whip for allegations of groping people.

“And Neil Parish, who was caught watching tractor porn while in the chamber during a debate.

“And Imran Ahmad Khan, who was sent to prison for sexually assaulting a young boy.

“And David Warburton, who had the whip withdrawn following allegations of sexual harassment and drug use.

“And Andrew Griffiths, who was found guilty of rape by a family court.

“And Charlie Elphicke, who was jailed for two years after being found guilty of sexual assault in 2020.

“And Rob Roberts, who was stripped of the whip after an independent report found he had made repeated unwanted sexual advances on a colleague.

“And Julian Knight, who faces accusations of sexual harassment from several women in their 20s.

“If you ignore ALL OF THOSE, then the male intake of Tory MPs in 2019 doesn’t have a single pervert among them.

“I don’t know how bad you are at maths, but 1 out of 20,000 is WAY worse than 8 out of 278.

“Yes it is; shut up!”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Illegal Migration Bill to circumvent European Court of Human Rights by reclassifying asylum seekers as sub-human​

Satanella Gobcunt, the Home Secretary will be granted new powers in the Illegal Migration Bill to ignore attempts by the European Court of Human Rights to prevent deportations by reclassifying migrants as sub-human.

The racist c.unt filled government insists that an amendment to the bill is necessary since the ECHR continues to insist that asylum seekers are human beings and deserving of basic human rights, in direct opposition to her government’s official position.

Satanella, told a gathered crowd of rampant racist Tory supporters ahead of this week’s by-elections, “The disastrous ECHR won’t be able to do anything to stop us, even though they keep on saying that asylum seekers are humans too, because we know different, don’t we?

“Let’s be honest, the concept of human rights has been nothing but a pain in our collective backsides ever since I became Home Secretary, but not any longer.

“Apparently, you can’t go around putting humans seeking refuge in prison barges, or putting them on a plane to Rwanda, even when they claiming to be asylum seekers – I mean, everyone knows asylum seekers are animals, not human; what’s the big deal?”

Satanella Gobcunt went on to try and calm those who have been left angry at the news, insisting this is not the end of human rights in the United Kingdom.

She explained, “Look, you can rest easy because we’re going to make our own Human Rights Council, and it will be the best Human Rights Council in the world, where only the best people will be classified as human.

“Anyone will be able to submit an application, but we will be very choosy about who we let be classified as human – we have to be. None of these migrant sorts, or anyone else we don’t like. None of those, obviously.”

Meanwhile, many Tory supporters have taken to looking at themselves in the mirror this morning and asking themselves the question, “What… what if we’re the baddies?”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Far left-wing ‘woke’ snowflake shaped Legionella bacteria responsible for Bibby Stockholm evacuation, insists Satanella Kuntermann​

Home Secretary, and body-snatcher, Satanella Kuntermann, has confirmed that obviously far left communist millionaire terrorist migrant illegals have been removed from the Bibby Stockholm dump after traces of ‘left-wing, tree-hugging, wokery snowflake shaped legionella bacteria’ were found in the water.

Kuntermann announced that routine testing of the water supply had shown evidence of far left wing legionella bacteria which she said had definitely been placed there by communist lefty immigration lawyers and members of the far left leftist communist lefty left wing Labour Party who hatey hate Britain.

“This legionella bacteria just hatey hates everything about the UK,” said Satanella.

“It just can’t stand that the majority of people in this country agree with the government that it’s time to stop illegal immigration. It’s just typical of the far lefty left-wing do-gooding wokery snowflake shaped unicellular organisms that are trying to destroy our British way of life.”

Meanwhile thicko MP Lee 'Drinks Pee' Anderson has criticised the decision to evacuate the Bibby Stockholm as further evidence of the 5-star treatment being offered to very far left communist terrorist very obviously millionaire immigrants.

“It’s a disgrace,” said Anderson.

“My family stayed in worse places in Skegness where the carpets were crawling with legionella bacteria, and it never did us any harm. It’s never done anyone any harm, if you ignore all the people who have died from it.

“It’s not enough that these lefty left snowflake millionaire terrorist illegals lounge about all day watching Sky Sports, playing on the X-Box, using their free lefty Apple watches and gorging themselves on 5 star Michelin quality meals and that communist drink Prosecco (even the name is Commie!) at the taxpayers’ expense. Now they want to avoid potentially life-threatening diseases and death, talk about being pampered.

“Where are they going to stay now? At Gary Lineker or Carol Vorderman’s house? I should coco.

“Apparently no far left communist woke millionaire illegals have contracted legionella disease yet – but we live in hope.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Nadine Dorries quitting parliament ostensibly the same as Nadine Dorries working in parliament​

Mad Nads has finally quit her role as a member of parliament, leading many to question if anyone will be able to notice.

After failing to speak in parliament for over 400 days, and only voting six times all year, many have pointed out that it will be difficult to tell when she has actually left her role as an MP, given her less than prolific output in the job.

Some observers have questioned whether her lack of attention to national issues in parliament means she has been focussing her energies on local matters for her Mid Bedfordshire constituents.

“It does not,” explained Mid Beds constituent Reelee Pysd-Off.

“No one has seen her here since the last general election. Her last known constituency office is now a dance studio. It appears she has spent the entire last year on Twitter complaining about how badly Boris Johnson has been treated, and then how badly she has been treated. Her Boris derangement syndrome is in full flow. ''

“On the plus side, she has been getting paid handsomely, and she’s been paying her daughters very well out of taxpayer funds. I’m sure they’ve been very busy, what with massive amounts of admin related to all the work she’s not doing.”

Meanwhile, officials have announced there will be a minute’s silence held for Nad's in the highly-subsidised parliamentary bar, which is expecting to see far less activity once she no longer qualifies to drink there.

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

The Tory voter's guide to pretending you knew exactly what you were voting for​

The Tories appear to be on a mission to wreck the UK, so what should you do if you’re one of the stupid c.unts who enthusiastically voted for them?

Here’s how to pathetically bluff it out.

No excuse is too stupid
Distract from the Tories’ shitness by making unconvincing excuses for them. Are schools definitely crumbling due to insufficient spending? Maybe a ‘concrete virus’ has escaped from a Chinese laboratory? Maybe the schools are built on previously unnoticed fault lines? Maybe some nocturnal dinosaurs survived and are stomping around at night?

Claim you like having to pay for previously-free things
The private dentist you’re forced to see has a nice surgery and a charming receptionist, so paying three grand to replace a tooth is absolutely fine with you. Which is odd, because you went ballistic when they started charging 10p for carrier bags.

Make up a fanciful version of public services
‘Effectively bankrupt’ Birmingham City Council depends on central government funding, like all councils. Now it’s struggling to keep vital services running, undoubtedly leading to unhygienic rubbish piling up and exhausted social workers not visiting at-risk kids. But not in your imagination, where the council’s 50,000 diversity officers are all having drag queen lessons in a five-star hotel in Barbados.

You absolutely expected hardship
You wanted more austerity to get Britain’s finances in order, and you knew there’d be a cost to Brexit. No one can argue with your self-sacrifice and Blitz spirit, except didn’t you moan for a week when inflation meant your favourite bubble bath went up by 50p? Actually that’s not a contradiction for Tory voters, who crave hardship so long as it happens to other people. Much like National Service, which you’re also a massive fanboy of.

Pretend you’re the only level-headed realist in the cosmos
Tell people the government can’t have endless spending binges (except on HS2 and Michelle Mone). However, if we can’t find the money to stop kids being squished by their own schools, what’s the point of having a government at all? Let’s give up on educating children altogether, along with modern medicine and law and order, and go back to a prehistoric free-for-all. Your neighbour might bash your head in with a rock and barbecue your wife, but think what you’ll save on National Insurance.

Keep schtum about immigration
At the last election, the only thing that mattered to you was bloody Muslim immigrants getting free money. Now you’ve got the full Tory package of self-interest, incompetence and corruption. Never admit to this and claim to have been concerned about some minor facet of policy, eg. reducing corporation tax. You’re such a bellend it’s entirely possible this is really why you voted.

Don’t let the mask slip
There’s a danger maintaining this charade will prove too much and you’ll break down in tears, sobbing, ‘I’m an idiot! My racism and xenophobia allowed the Tories to take me for a mug and now everything’s knackered!’ Use every last reserve of your mental strength to keep it together, and do what you always do when times are tough and everything looks hopeless – blame the EU.

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

CARRY ON TORY

Tory MPs reminded that they don’t live in a Carry On film​

All Tory Party MPs are to be sent a letter laying out in no uncertain terms that they are not living in a Carry On film.

The letter comes in the wake of Andrew Griffiths raping his wife while she was asleep, David Warburton, groping women, Rob Roberts sexually harassing a junior members of staff, Christopher Pincher resigned after groping male people, Imran Ahmad Khan, sexually assaulted a 15-year-old boy, Charlie Elphicke, a sexual predator, Stephen Crabbe sent explicit messages to a 19yr old, Mark Garnier sexually harassed his P.A., Damien Green resigned for 'watching porn', Neil Parish looked at 'tractor porn' in the H of C, Michael Fallon another sexual predator MP, and an unnamed former PM getting a blow job from his mistress while at work.

“I think we need to face the fact that all we need is Steve Barclay to visit a hospital and exclaim ‘ooh Matron’ and you could be forgiven for thinking we all live in Carry On Tory,” explained a senior party member yesterday.

“As such, we’ll be sending out a letter reminding all ministers that they live in the real world and not a Carry On film.”

The letter will make it clear that Jeremy Hunt is not Sid James, Michael Gove is not Charles Hawtrey, James Cleverly is not Bernard Bresslaw, Grant Schapps is not Jim Dale, and Suella Braverman is definitely not Joan Simms.

Most importantly, it will reiterate that being a bit of a grubby old pervert could pass for amusing in the sixties and seventies, but it really isn’t appropriate for a government in the 2020s.

“Although, I can’t help wishing we did have the Carry On team in the cabinet,” continued the party member.

“They’re a damn sight more likeable, and I wouldn’t be terribly surprised to find them considerably more competent as well.”
TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

The article below was written by Rishi Sunak.​

Labour will make your car transgender.​

​

​

I love cars and Britain’s wonderful, friendly car community.

Ordinary, decent, hardworking car folk like you.

And that’s why I can’t stand by and let Labour turn our beloved cars transgender.

You might not think it’s possible for a car to be transgender. But it is.

At the garage you won’t be able to say ‘Fill her up’, you’ll have to say ‘Fill he/him/she/her/they/them up’.

All for ten quids’ worth of petrol.

And that will definitely happen if you don’t vote Tory.

That’s just one example.

If our increasingly woke police stop you and you fail to to refer to your Audi as a ‘non-cis-gendered vehicle that identifies as gay, bi, trans, fluid or asexual’ you’ll get six points on your licence.

This is Labour’s plan.

You might have spent upwards of £30,000 on a manly 4×4 like a Panzer, but you’ll be ordered to paint it pink and attach fake breasts to the bonnet, which will cause impotence and make it harder to park.

How, you might ask, do I know about this demented scheme – which is totally 100 per cent supported by Starmer, Rayner, Miliband, Reeves, Streeting and all the woke liberal Stalinists in modern Labour?

The answer is simple: it’s the sort of thing they would do.

Our focus groups have found that many potential Tory voters like cars, but they’re not comfortable with transgenderism, particularly after our newspapers have spent weeks hysterically screeching about perverts dangling massive great veiny penises in women’s faces in changing rooms.

I want a return to the time when cars were clearly male, like a Ford Capri, or female, like a little Mini Metro hatchback for doing your shopping.

So I call on voters – especially working-class ones who might not put up with us posh wankers for much longer – to focus entirely on the issue of transgender cars and vote Tory.

And once I’m back in Number 10, I will help drivers by removing all speed limits in the UK.

Because as we sensible car owners know, 99 per cent of accidents are caused by people going too slow.

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

HS2 rail link to Manchester being replaced with horse and cart​

The thieving Tory government has today revealed plans to scrap the HS2 rail link from Birmingham to Manchester in favour of a brand new horse and cart fleet for the north.

With news emerging earlier that the northern leg of the link could now be scrapped due to rising costs, government officials have quickly moved to reassure northerners that they haven’t been forgotten and will be provided with up to three new horse and carts for travel around the area, along with a new canal boat.

A Spokesperson for the government confirmed, “You’re welcome.

“We can confirm today that we will be scrapping the HS2 link for northerners, because they don’t vote for us anyway, so frankly who gives a s.hit what they think.

“However, we will be offering an alternative for the people of the north in the form of some horse and carts to get around their cobbled streets and take them up to the mill or whatever it is they do up there.

“Obviously, this will be a phased investment with one new horse and cart every five years or so because we’re not made of money, and hopefully they will forget.”

Asked if any other help will be given to the north of England in order to improve their transport system we were told, “A canal boat. Second hand. And maybe a couple of Chopper bikes or something.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Fucking hell. I agree with DC!

Dominic Cummings quote at this mornings episode of 'The Covid Enquiries'

Discussing the c.unts below he called them

"A drove of useless fuckpigs".

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Another Tory MP rape allegation, a 'serial rapist' this time, along with claims of a cover-up.

If I hear Rishi Sunak using the words ‘integrity and accountability’ just one more time, I will throw up, again.

Mind you, I've been throwing up at the Tory shitshow for years now.

Every day the Tories try to normalise 'integrity' and 'accountability'.

The Tory drip drip feed across the right wing BBC and other right wing media outlets is priming the Tory base to believe this f.ucked up awful shitshow.

And they fall for it.

Then there's the 'fines for charities supplying tents'.

Another absolute horror show of hate, pain, fascist rhetoric and desire from the queen of nazi views and hatred, Cruella Fuckface.

Unlike being homeless, being an evil heartless twat is a lifestyle choice.




It’s some set of priorities!

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Is there anything this bunch of c.unts won't try? *wtaf*

'So let me get this straight, Jeremy Hunt is threatening to take prescription medication away from disabled people who are already finding it difficult to find work due to the health issues they need the medication for.

Yep, makes perfect sense. If you’re an emotionless simpleton.' - JP

How f.ucking low can you get?

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

'Give it a few more weeks and Jeremy Hunt will be threatening to take Healthy Start grants from babies for being lazy.' - JP

.

 

[Kev45]

I despised Thatcher with a passion, but this current bunch of depraved hard right corporatist supporting shithawks must have her turning in her grave. They have given up all pretence of even disguising just how fiscally inept they truly are, and the complete and utter failure of 13 years of ideological austerity. The audacity, the utter contempt, while proposing to cut inheritance tax for the 4%, the wealthiest in the UK, and paying for it by stealth taxes. Estimated to be 40bn and upwards before the election and affecting the incomes of 36 million people, and all while they feather their own nests now before the inevitable election wipe out next year.

Hunt, with a capital C, and that permanent arrogant smirk, while he brazenly takes the piss out of everyone else, is a grotesque caricature of a chancellor, and even by tory standards.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

It's a clever touch that his pants are on fire!

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

We've had 5000 days of Tory Rule today.

Here is some maths.

Since May 2010, the National Debt has increased, on average, by a staggering £380 million a day, every single day, for 5000 days

Which begs the question,

Where has all our money gone?

FACTS:

David Cameron became PM, after Gordon Brown, on May 11th 2010, 5000 days ago.

In June 2010 Cameron said the national debt was £770 billion (other sources quote £903 billion, but I'll use his £770 billion for the calculation)

By end Nov 2023 the National Debt had grown to a colossal £2,670 billion (Source:ONS)

That's an increase of £1,900 billion.

Divide that by 5,000 days of Tory Rule and gross mismanagement.

It means an increase, on average, of c£380 million every single day for 5,000 days.

https://twitter.com/x/status/1748075594292531481

TY @ Carol Vorderman

 

[Kev45]

Not forgetting the part played by the slippery Lib Dems from 2010 until 2015 in coalition with the Tories. Ideological (exploitative) austerity was deceitfully described as "expansionary austerity" by George Osborne prior to the election. When he claimed it was a necessity to ultimately drive growth and when in fact it has had completely the opposite effect. Ideological austerity is directly responsible for lower wages, both in the public and private sectors, and which disproportionally effects the lower paid and particularly women. Public spending has been cut by half a trillion, and with sweet fu/ck all to show for it except a broken society that will have to be rebuilt at some point. I too would love to know where all the money has gone, everyone (except the rich) has been effected by austerity one way or another, whether it be directly or indirectly.

The Tories, as sexist pigs tend to, arrogantly dismissed Carol Vorderman as an airhead, yet another silly (public) school boy error. Too out of touch to understand that she reaches a wide audience who wouldn't normally take much notice of politicians, but who do take notice when the likes of Carol or Gary Lineker speak out. The more the right-wing try to silence and demonize them, the wider the message is spread.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]