Toe Rees Today: Another load of mad old boIIocks

[Dropship]

Why we must keep out blood sucking refugees...by a far right racist bigot...

Let 'em in, what can possibly go wrong?..
Oh wait...
[Koran 9.123] -"O you who believe! fight those of the infidels who are near to you and let them find in you hardness; and know that Allah is with those who guard against evil"
[Koran 5.51] -"O you who believe! do not take the Jews and the Christians for friends, they are friends of each other"

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

TWATSPOTTING - #12 - PARTY ON DOOD​

‘I’m not a liar I’m just really thick’ insists Boris Johnson​

Boris Johnson has insisted today that he is not a liar; he is just really, really stupid.

Johnson claims he hadn’t misled parliament concerning the law-breaking parties he attended during lockdown, after insisting he was an utter moron and didn’t realise know he was breaking the rules that he himself had recently set.

Speaking earlier, he confirmed, “Yes I’m just a borderline simpleton. Nothing more Machiavellian than that.

“So you can’t really blame me for attending those parties, because I’m actually really stupid and didn’t know I was having parties. I mean, if someone doesn’t tell you that you’re at a party, how do you even know if you’re at a party?

“So actually, I was NOT misleading MP’s when I said all the rules were followed, as I didn’t know I was breaking the rules I had just made.

“I mean, do you think I would break my own rules AND have a photographer there to document it?

“I’m afraid I really am THAT stupid.

“And therefore it is absolutely crucial that I get to keep my job as a Tory MP.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

TWATSPOTTING - #13 - TORY PARTY (UN)AWARENESS COURSE

I didn’t believe it was a party because no one was burning £50 notes in front of a homeless person, insists Boris​

Boris Johnson has been quick to stress that he didn’t mislead parliament because the ‘gathering’ that took place during the first lockdown wasn’t really a ‘party’ as it didn’t comprise activities that Tories typically associate with a jolly old time.

As Boris published his defence ahead of appearing in front of the Commons Select Committee, committee members are being expected to believe that Boris didn’t realise Downing Street was holding a ‘Bring Your Own Booze’ party during the height of the first lockdown, at a time when people across the country were prevented from attending funerals, visiting sick relatives or even leaving the house more than once during the day.

Speaking to the press this morning, the former Prime Minister explained, “I genuinely believed this was nothing more than a work meeting for Downing Street staff, and the instruction to ‘bring your own booze’ was clearly an ironic one, and would have been read by staff in the manner intended, namely that they were to bring their own tap water or soft drinks. My Conservative government was, as you know, all about saving money.”

He went on, “If you had been there, you would have seen that the party – ahem, work gathering, I mean – lacked all aspects of what you would traditionally associate with Tories having a good time.

“There were no strippers crying in the corner of the room after Matt Hancock got a bit handsy, Priti Patel certainly didn’t play Pin The Harpoon On The Dinghy, and we didn’t end the evening drunkenly rolling around the streets of London in tuxedos, burning fifty quid notes in front of the homeless.”

He concluded, “Of course, now Sue Gray has gone to work for Labour we can dismiss all of the photos she gathered and blame her for this whole episode – and then the whole thing will blow over like everything else does, I expect.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

TWATSPOTTING - #14 - DO AS I SAY AND NOT AS I DO ​

- BY 30P LEE TOEREE EMPEE​

​

I’ve changed my mind about MPs having £100k-a-year second jobs, now that I’ve got one ​

I’ve taken a high-paying second job a few short months after criticising MPs who take second jobs, but the the real story, I am going to share with you here today.

Having a weekly show on GB News, for which I will be paid £100k-a-year has given me a new perspective on how MPs struggle to make ends meet, and I also don’t think you should judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. – As a side point, I really can’t recommend highly enough going for a walk in these new shoes I just bought; they’re extremely comfortable. It’s actually quite funny how much better a £200 pair of shoes feels compared to those that cost £15.

Anyway, I digress. Yes, I did literally say the following about MPs getting second jobs: “We are paid handsomely for the job we do, and if you need an extra £100,000 a year on top, then you should really be looking for another job.” However, the reality is I said that without realising I could get one of those cushy £100k a year second jobs.

And now I can. GB News will pay me £100k a year to spend two hours a week demonising poor people, immigrants, trans people and whoever else is the current target of the culture war we in the Conservative party are so desperate to start ahead of next year’s election.

Yes, the money is nice, but honestly, I would have done this for free. I’m not going to, obviously, but I would have done. A prime-time television show with the opportunity to spread my bigotry directly into the nation’s ears? Who would turn that down? The £100k is just the icing on the cake. The icing that I’m definitely going to keep, for the record.

Yes, I know I said Jess Phillips should donate her fee to good causes in her constituency after she got paid for an appearance on Have I Got News For You, but that’s different because now the money is in my bank account, not hers, and I would very much like to keep it there.

My story is one that should warm the hearts of Conservatives everywhere. I might have been a left-wing councillor who supported Jeremy Corbyn, but when it was worth a few quid to me to change my allegiance, I changed my red boxers for blue quicker than Usain Bolt on his way to the loo after a dodgy biriani.

And yes, I might have been very public in my opposition against MPs taking high-paying second jobs, but that was before I was personally benefitting from one.

Please do not think this is the end of my flip-flopping. It is not. I have many other beliefs that I am willing to sacrifice the very moment the money is right – and I will do it happily, and without shame.

It’s the Tory way.'' - by Lee '30p' Anderson MP

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

TWATSPOTTING - #15 - 15 HOURS WAIT TIME AND MORE!

The government refuses to accept the NHS is in crisis. ​

Are they lying or are you being an entitled whinger for expecting hospital care after a heart attack?

Find out with this quiz.

1: Does spending 70 hours on a trolley in a corridor count as hospital care?

A) Yes. It’s fine to be catheterised in a public place by a weeping student nurse. It’s still a medical setting, right?

B) No. It’s unsafe and undignified but Rishi Sunak doesn’t care about that because he goes private. He probably gets his own Playstation and extra-comfy slippers.

2: Would you be happy being turfed out of an ambulance into a hospital car park?

A) Yes, because most people calling ambulances are pathetic snowflakes who could do with some fresh air.

B) No. I understand there’s no room in hospitals, but if it was okay to keep patients outdoors you could drop them off in a supermarket car park and call it ‘Asda General Hospital’.

3: Do you want to die while lying in a puddle waiting for an ambulance?

A) Well, it’s not ideal but I hate immigrants so I’m prepared to put up with it if I can keep voting people like Suella Braverman in.

B) No, but given the amount of excess deaths happening due to delays I’ve invested in some waterproof trousers so I can die in comfort.

4: Can it all be blamed on the pandemic?

A) Is that what Steve Barclay says? Well, obviously he’s right. He’s definitely a stand-up guy and not some useless bastard doing bugger all to help.

B) No, but they’re clearly going to keep using that as an excuse for every f.uck-up from Brexit to a Tory MP putting a new conservatory on expenses.

5: Do you think the Conservative party is brilliant?

A) Even a rabid right-winger like me can see that the country is in a state but if it stopped Labour getting in I’d let them shoot me in the face. Even if there’s a six-month wait for bullet wounds nowadays.

B) F.uck off.

Mostly As: You don’t think the NHS is in crisis, but that’s because you’re currently sitting on a comfortable sofa reading the Telegraph. Come back and do the quiz again after you’ve broken a hip putting the bins out.

Mostly Bs: You know the NHS is in crisis and are terrified of injuring yourself. Cover yourself in bubble wrap and stay at home for the next three months. Things might have improved slightly by Summer.

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

TWATSPOTTING - #16 - Thieving liars: Once a Tory...

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

TWATSPOTTING - #17 -TORY THIEVES EVERYWHERE

TORY PEER MAKES MILLIONS OF £'S OUT OF USELESS PPE

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

TWATSPOTTING - #18 - TORY TUMESCENT TODGER THOUGHTS​

Prison ships, and seven other bizarre Tory obsessions​

Housing migrants in ferries suggests the dead ends of the right-wing mind are being ransacked to boost their support.

Which always ends in their dick stiffening bizarre obsessions:

1: Prison ships
Memories of Great Expectations, where the prison ship looms vividly as an inhumane punishment the virtuous Magwitch unjustly suffers, make Tories say ‘Ooh, that’s what we need.’ Never mind the expense, it’s good and cruel. Prisoners in uniforms, hell yeah. Stiffy time!

2: Dressing offenders in humiliating clothing
Arrested for graffiti? You’ll have to clean it up and, what’s more, do so in a pink jumpsuit with ‘I’m a bad, bad boy’ stencilled on the back. Tory dicks stiffen at the very thought.

3: Imperial measures
Why did we abandon the barleycorn? What madness saw us forsake the rood? Do children not know the gill anymore? Bring them all back and we’d be happier. Tissues or an old sock when hearing word 'rod'.

4: Banning drugs you’ve never heard of
From angel dust to meow meow to nitrous oxide, Conservative governments love to discover new drugs and then ban them. It doesn’t matter that nobody’s taking them. It’s tough on crime. Apart from the drugs MP's use, especially stiffy inducing coke.

5: The death penalty
A mere 30-year murder sentence is nothing to the criminal mind. Bring back public hangings for all to watch on the new BBC Hangings channel, and shoplifting would stop overnight. Mistress demands it!

6: A Royal yacht
To hardcore Tories, the only reason we’re not making hugely advantageous trade deals with China is the lack of a yacht. How can they respect us without a f.ucking yacht? Sailors, uniforms, say no more!

7: National Service
Their dream. Every 18-year-old goes into the army and comes out with rock-solid Conservative values, never straying toward liberalism again. What uniformity of thought we’d all enjoy if only we’d all been ritually brutalised. How perfect Britain would be. Tories love a young man in uniform. It works better than Viagra.

8: Deportation
Another punishment visited on Magwitch, deportation is the answer to everything. Ship any criminals out and be done with them, except we’ve nowhere to ship them to and last time we tried it ended up being better than here anyway. Being cruel pushes them over the edge into spaffing up a wall. Build a f.ucking wall!

TY@DM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Twatspotting - #19 - Mordor Safe For Migrants Insists Braverman

Suella Braverman has insisted that Mordor is a safe destination for migrants, despite it being a barren wasteland riddled with fire, ash and dust, and the very air being a poisonous fume.

When asked on BBC One’s Sunday with Laura Kuenssberg, the Home Secretary said she was “not familiar” with the description.

The government plans to send some migrants to Mordor if they arrive in the UK through what they deem ‘illegal’ routes.

The High Court has found Mordor to be safe, Braverman said.

But she acknowledged the plans were still facing a legal challenge.

The Home Secretary was asked about evidence that cave trolls ate a group of refugees during protests over cuts to food rations, and after being shown a video of the aftermath, she said, “That might have been during the Third Age, we’re only looking at the Fourth Age and beyond.”

The government’s legislation made provisions for individuals to challenge the decision to send them to Mordor in “extreme circumstances” of “unforeseeable, serious and irreversible harm”, she said, while stroking a large, dark sphere containing disturbing images of a huge burning eye.

A representative of Mordor has said the actions of the cave trolls were a last resort.

The black-mantled figure, seated on a fell beast and wielding a great, black mace, claimed that there was “violence at the protest”, before adding, “This is my hour. Do you not know Death when you see it?”

TY@NT

 

[Words]

How much is labour paying you Two whales is it 100k?

 

[Kev45]

You say: "Austerity is stupid. 'Let's cut our way to prosperity' is an economically illiterate proposition. The better way is to actually invest in the drivers of future economic prosperity like education, infrastructure, quality public services, modern public transport, green technology, and public health."

The political and media establishment class say: 'Corbynism lost in 2019. Get over it! Austerity ruination is here to stay, whichever of our capitalist parties win power from now on. Nobody is listening to you any more.'

You say: "A system that taxes unearned gains from investments and property speculation at a far lower rate than salaries from actually doing productive work is doomed to inequality, low productivity, and economic decline."

The political and media establishment class say: 'Look at this radical leftist. Get them! Smear and abuse them! Drive them out of public life!'

You say: "Britain should stop selling £ billions in weapons to radical-right apartheid states and brutal, blood-soaked tyrannies like Israel and Saudi Arabia."

The political and media establishment class say: 'You're a traitor for standing against Britain's interests. If we didn't sell all those weapons to these barbaric regimes, then someone else would. Stupid leftists! Always putting things like human rights and basic decency above the primary objective of corporate profits.'

You say: "Refugees aren't to blame for stagnating wages, unaffordable housing, soaring energy bills, raw sewage in our rivers and coastal waters, rubbish schools, vast NHS waiting lists, rising crime, crumbling infrastructure, and collapsing public services. The people to blame are the powerful establishment interests who have been running the country into the ground for the last four decades."

The political and media establishment class say: 'Stop the boats! Send them to concentration camps in Rwanda! Rip up all of our human rights now! Stupid leftie lawyers! Bleeding-heart liberals! Bloody do-gooders! Bah!'

You say: "Teachers do such an important job raising the workers of the future. We should reverse the cuts to their salaries since 2010, and invest properly in the education system."

The political and media establishment class say: 'Get out of here, you deranged radical-left freak. Don't you know that the education system is for making profits for the private interests we handed almost all of it over to already, not your silly ideological nonsense?'

You say: "Housing costs have spiralled wildly out of control. Houses should be treated as homes, not investment opportunities. These huge housing costs are destroying economic potential by diverting wealth out of the productive economy into the pockets of idle buy-to-let slumlords and property speculators. Build more houses. Control rents. Restore social housing."

The political and media establishment class say: 'But people like us have invested fortunes into landlordism and property speculation. How dare you leftist lunatics threaten our unearned profits?'

You say: "Ordinary working people deserve to earn enough to pay for the absolute basics like housing costs, food, and bills, and then have a bit left over for nice things too."

The political and media establishment class say: 'Politics of envy! Greedy, disruptive trade unions! Uppity working class agitators! We can't afford this delusional radical-left idealism! How dare you?'

You say: "Society has a moral duty to provide for those who can't work, like children, pensioners, disabled people, and the unemployed."

The political and media establishment class say: 'You leftist freaks are wrong. We must trample on the unemployed rather than helping them get their lives back together! Make the disabled jump through humiliating hoops for crumbs! Let hungry kids starve! It's actually good that Brits have the worst pensions in the developed world!'

You say: "Some things are just too important to be run by capitalists for profit extraction purposes. Energy, public transport, the NHS, mail, water, and education should be run as public services for the good of the British people and the British economy."

The political and media establishment class say: 'You silly, pathetic, delusional communist freak! What do you want to do next? Nationalise sausages?'

Common sense derided as delusional leftist idiocy.

Ruinous radical-right ideological extremism treated as common sense.

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[TwoWhalesInAPool]

TWATSPOTTING - #20 - Yep, it’s racism all the way until 2025.

By Rishi Sunak

''Britain's most unpleasant voters love a bit of racism. As such it’s an electoral strategy I can really get behind, and so should you, because it’s all we’ve got.

You see, there isn’t exactly a vast stock of successful Tory policies I can mention at the next election. Brexit is a dead duck. We’re only grudgingly giving NHS staff more money, and only the densest Red Wall troglodyte hasn’t noticed we’re dying to bring in private health insurance. As for the environment, well, I wouldn’t go near a river without antibiotics.

People aren’t fond of recent Tory leaders either. Johnson was a lying c.unt, Truss was mental, and I’m the first to admit the public sees me mainly as a rich fop who spends £800 on socks like a wanker. (I don’t. The most I’ve ever spent is £200.)

So racism it is. Suella might have gone a bit far with her implication that Asian men are rapists, but it’s too easy to focus on the downside of race hate. Cotton plantations had admirable profit margins, and Hitler was just another failed creative without his crackpot Jewish/Bolshevik theories.

Luckily Britain has long-established minority communities who, if racism was actually true, love stabbing, crime, terrorism and sharia law. But to keep it fresh for 2025 we need to invent new racist tropes.

What about Norwegians? Those blond bastards get a free pass. They’re probably bringing their trolls over here, leaving giant troll shits on the pavement and eating sheep. Or Native Americans? There’s probably only two in the UK, but who wants Red Indians moving in, with all the scalping and the local chippy selling raw bison liver instead of cod?

I also favour giving tired old racist cliches a makeover. I don’t think anyone believes Chinese restaurants serve cat meat anymore. But what if they’re spying for Xi Jinping? Or the Japanese? Say what you like about racists, they don’t get bogged down in detail.

I think we can all agree racism is the way forward. To paraphrase Martin Luther King: ‘I have a dream where little children are judged according to the colour of their skin and whether they prove useful scapegoats for a Tory party all out of ideas.’

Of course, cynics will argue there’s a danger of turning Britain into a hotbed of racism so toxic it’s dangerous for any minority, including myself. To which I say: don’t worry, I’ve got a bulletproof Range Rover and a penthouse in California. I’ll be fine.''

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

TWATSPOTTING - #21 - IDEN TITTY KRYSUS

Self-identification is suddenly okay, according to dozens of Tory MPs who are now trying to hide the fact that they are Tory MPs on social media.

Dozens of Tory MPs on social media have removed any mention of the Conservatives from their descriptions and images, even changing their entire colour schemes in the hope of identifying simply as “non-partisan” politicians.

Critics have pointed out that after a decade of repeated failures, the Tories have been left with no option but to fight the next election on a culture war platform, which includes denying the self-identification of the trans community; but now Tory MPs seem to think it’s okay to change who you are in the eyes of the world.

Gor Juz, 37, told us, “You can’t deny political reality; if you joined the Tories, campaigned as a Tory and then fought an election as a Tory, you can’t suddenly start the transition away from being a Tory a year ahead of the election.

“MPs can’t go around in a blue rosette one minute, then claim to be non-partisan the next. That’s now how self-identification works.

“Sure, if they genuinely don’t want to be Tories any more, and want to transition away from their elected status, then that’s fine. There are many transitions available to them, and they will get plenty of support along the way from allies in their new communities. But it’s their behaviour that counts, not the colour of the rosette.

“Everyone can choose how they want to live their life, but they can’t pretend they’re not Tories while still walking, talking and voting like a Tory.

“Not if they don’t want to be called massive hypocrites at every turn.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

TWATSPOTTING - #22 - ANIMAL FARM, CHAPTER 10, P.112​

​

Equality Act to be updated to include the line ‘all citizens are equal, but some are more equal than others’​

Equalities minister Kemi Badenoch is considering a change to the 2010 Equalities Act to ensure it more accurately reflects the priorities of the modern Tory government.

The revised act will contain the phrase “All citizens are equal, but some are more equal than others”, which Badenoch insists will do nothing to weaken the legislation.

“It’s right there in black and white,” insisted the minister.

“All citizens are equal – that bit remains true, as does our ongoing commitment to equality. You only have to look at my job title to know we really mean it.

“We are simply adding a little bit of detail so we can have some wiggle room in determining who is more equal than others. That doesn’t weaken our commitment to equality, if anything, it strengthens it – because now we will be looking even harder at you before we decide if you’re worthy of equality. Or not.”

Meanwhile, government supporters have insisted the change doesn’t go far enough, and would allow subsequent governments to make determinations on who deserves equality based on their own implicit biases.

Tory voter and far right twat, Ray Cyst told us, “I want it written down who gets equality, and who doesn’t. No interpretation allowed. That’s the only way it’s fair.

“This change to the Equality Act only works if you’re giving equality to the people I like, and removing it from the people I don’t.

“And no, I see no hypocrisy in that whatsoever.”

TY@NT

 

[Dropship]

Everybody equal? That'll be the friggin day..
"Evildoers...They return at evening: they make a noise like a dog, and go round about the city...but thou, O Lord, shalt laugh at them; thou shalt have all the heathen in derision" (Psalm 59:6)

How about it girl?

 

[Kev45]

 

[Dropship]

Lefties are like puking dogs, vomiting up pol-correct beliefs..
"As a dog returns to his own vomit, so a fool repeats his folly" (Proverbs 26:11)

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Norfolk's new interactive 'Intolerance Museum' where visitors pay to watch someone weave an argument out of bits of Bible and some string.

Campaigners against 'being a better human' have a olde worlde charme, say experts.

Researchers found that listening to the arguments was like visiting a farm museum in Norfolk where people dressed as 14th century peasants make butter using a big spoon and a bucket.

Dr Tom Logan said: “It’s a fascinating historical curiosity, but you watch them – pumping away like there’s no tomorrow – and you just keep thinking, ‘thank Christ we don’t have to do that anymore’.

“They’re trying to keep the old ways alive, bless ’em, but it is just a museum. At the end of the day the visitors get in their cars and go home and then the janitor goes around and switches all the lights off and locks up.

He added: “They should make the arguments by candlelight. And they should speak while holding their lapels.”

TY@TDM