Toe Rees Today: Another load of mad old boIIocks

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

TWATSPOTTING - #1- Rishi Sunak

The government announced yesterday another load of mad old bollocks that’ll never happen.

Excitable Head Boy Rishi Sunak, who was made Prime Minister after winning a competition on a box of cereal, announced the mad load of old boIlocks using his mouth and arms after spending a couple of hours bothering some people at an immigration centre who were just trying to get on with their work.

“This is a mad load of old bollocks that’ll never happen,” said Mr Sunak, excitably.

“We’ll all b.ugger on about it for a week or so, and our fan club newsletters – The Telegraph and The Express – will work themselves into a right old froth about it and then, just when it becomes apparent that it’s a load of mad old boIlocks that’ll never happen, we’ll announce another different mad load of old boIlocks that’ll never happen.”

Tory supporter, far-right lunatic and complete fvcking dribbling maniac Ray Cyst, 71, applauded the plan.

“It may be a load of mad old boIlocks that’ll never happen, but it’s the sort of thing that I’m supposed to be happy about because, for reasons I’ve long since forgotten, I’ve wedded my identify to this ideology. So, you know, hooray!”

It’s not the first time the government has announced a load of mad old bolIocks that’ll never happen.

In fact, every couple of weeks or so for the last thirteen years, they’ve announced a load of mad old bollocks that never happens, with the notable exception of Brexit, which was a mad load of old bolIocks that did happen and, unsurprisingly, turned out to be a mad load of old boIlocks.

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

TWATSPOTTING - #2 - Conservative Unionist Negotiation Team

The Conservative Unionist Negotiation Team for Brexit have issued a plea not to refer to them by their unfortunate acronym when reporting on the Windsor Framework.

The Conservatives and DUP group, who really don’t have a sense of humour between them, held a press conference to make it clear that they would prefer not to be known as ‘the C.U.N.T. for Brexit’

“It is neither big nor clever to use that acronym,” said a representative for the Conservative Unionist Negotiation Team for Brexit.

“And I know I can rely on the British people’s famous respect for authority and dislike of childish humour to ensure that we will only ever be known as the Conservative Unionist Negotiation Team for Brexit and not… that acronym.”

At this point, a reporter in the audience stifled a giggle as he asked the representative for the C.U.N.T. for Brexit to confirm the acronym.

The representative refused to answer and left the stage muttering darkly about the ‘bloody puerile proles’ to laughter from the assembled press.

However, amongst the public, the acronym had not really been picked up.

“To be honest, I didn’t realise C.U.N.T.S for Brexit was an acronym,” said Raymond Raymondellson, 29, earlier.

“It just seemed like a reasonable thing to refer to them as.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

TWATSPOTTING - #3 - TORY SHAREHOLDERS


A leaked Labour conference speech contains a pledge to take the Conservative Party into public ownership by 2025.

The document describes the party as ‘not fit for purpose’ and emblematic of a society which puts profits before people.

Nationalising the party would be one of the party’s first acts when elected, pledging to end their history of ripping off consumers within 100 days of entering Downing Street.

Shareholders will not be compensated, the speech says.

“The Conservative Party exists to make millions for its shareholders whilst ripping off ordinary people,” leader Keir Starmer will tell the conference audience.

“I don’t think it is unreasonable to suggest it should be run for the benefit of the people, and not its private backers.

“By taking the Tories into public ownership, we could ensure they serve a social purpose for the first time in their existence.”

The venerable organisation has been privately-owned for more than two hundred years, during which time it has returned substantial profits to shareholders but is widely seen as having failed to adequately address customer needs.

Under Labour’s proposals, the Conservative Party would be administered as a democratic cooperative run by workers, rather than the current unaccountable fat cats and business interests.

Historically, this has made things better every time it has been tried.

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

TWATSPOTTING - #4 - F.UCKY MCF.UCK F.UCKED​

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'Christ, we're fvcked': Seven honest three-word slogans for the Tories to use​

‘Stop the boats’ is the Tories’ latest idiotically simple three-word phrase to try to reel in voters.

These would be far more honest:

1: ‘Christ, we’re f.ucked’
This government is running on empty, desperately creating policies which will ultimately only appeal to the far right-wing nutjobs who were going to vote for them anyway. Will this win an election? Quite possibly not. There’s another three-word slogan for you.

2: ‘Double your mortgage’
You thought things were bad under Boris Johnson, but then Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng came along and made things worse in a very personal way by doubling your mortgage, before pissing off and leaving you to struggle with the fallout. ‘Get f.ucked, bastards’ is your three-word slogan about it.

3: ‘£3000 energy bills’
Yeah, the government has bailed us out a bit, but given the eye-wateringly enormous profits energy companies are merrily bragging about, they could help even further. The Conservative Party might hate taxing huge corporations, but presumably they hate nobody voting for them even more?

4: ‘What levelling up?’
Despite the fact that Michael Gove is apparently still Secretary of State for Levelling Up, the whole sorry project seems to have fallen by the wayside to the point where it doesn’t exist. The Tories should just admit it was always as made-up as f.ucking fairies, although the entirely fictional fey folk have been described in far more detail than ‘levelling up’ ever was.

5: ‘Culture wars rule’
Lacking any good ideas for improving the country, Rishi Sunak has admitted that he is going to fight the next election on persecuting minorities. He doesn’t seem to have realised that the only people who will vote for this are those like your Great Uncle Ray Cyst who thinks men who use moisturiser are gay drag queen paedos, but it should become clear once the election results come in.

6: ‘Brexit sodding Brexit’
It’s been going on for years. The public are bored of it. The government is bored of it. Even its most rabid supporters are bored of it. So they should be honest about the fact that Brexit clearly did not mean Brexit and put this on their stupid little podium instead.

7: ‘Wild lockdown parties’
The public knows they happened. The current prime minister was given a fixed penalty notice for one. So rather than playing them down with oh-so-hilarious excuses about being ambushed by cake, the Tories might as well just own it. Admit you had a f.ucking brilliant time getting sloshed and coked out of your f.ucking brains in Number 10 – there’s little left to lose at this stage.

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

TWATSPOTTING - #5 - EIGHT THINGS​

The government is introducing a Bill to the house designed to stop small boats, even though they know full well that it contravenes several international treaties and has no chance of getting through the House of Lords.

They are doing it to ensure they can play the ‘victim’ when it inevitably fails, and use that as a core part of their culture war campaign before the next general election.

Here are eight things that have a much better chance of becoming law than the Small Boats Bill:

1: Everyone must stand and salute whenever Brexit is mentioned. A patriotic new Bill to make sure every British citizen appreciates, respects and honours Brexit, by making them stand and salute whenever it is mentioned in public.

2: The Political advertising Bill. A new Bill that would ensure political parties will be held to the exact same standard as businesses when advertising to the British public, instead of continuing to enjoy their current get-out-of-jail-free card that allows them to lie with impunity about their ‘product’ because they are exempt from the CAP Code.

3: Allowing dogs to vote. A Bill that would allow your pets to vote, because they’re such a good boy. Yes they are. Good boy!

4: Make leaf blowers illegal. You hate them. We hate them. Ban this sick filth.

5: Naked Thursdays. A Bill designed to improve the morale of the nation’s workers by making it legal to go to work naked on Thursdays.

6: Yellow is now blue. Yes, it makes no sense to change the law to ensure that yellow is now blue, and vice versa, but it has more chance of becoming law than the small boats bill.

7: The Cliffhanger Ban. A new Bill to make it illegal for programme-makers to end episodes on cliffhangers. They will be required, by law, to include the first five minutes of the next episode to reduce viewer disappointment and to make it easier for people to stop binge-watching.

8: The Um Bongo preservation Bill. A Bill designed to ensure the survival of the national treasure, Um Bongo, in an increasingly competitive marketplace. The drink will be nationalised, and every British child will be given one carton a week until they leave school.

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

TWATSPOTTING - #6 - TOE REE PAR TEE, nefa appened guv.

Sue Gray hire proves there were no parties and Boris wasn't at them, say Tories​

Gray’s hiring by Labour proves once and for all there were no Downing Street lockdown parties and Boris Johnson did not attend them, the Tories have asserted.

The appointment of the former civil servant as Keir Starmer’s chief of staff automatically means the Partygate inquiry is invalidated and, therefore, that Partygate never took place.

Conservative Liar-in-Chief, Greg Hands, said: “The Sue Gray report, the only record of these so-called lockdown parties, has now been exposed as an anti-Brexit falsehood.

“The entire thing was a plot by Starmer, using his mole within the civil service to frame a law-abiding and wildly popular leader to distract from his illegal beer-and-korma raves in Durham.

“Therefore we as a party, a government and a country have no option but to conclude the entire scandal was confected, there were no parties, Boris Johnson never attended any of them and he therefore remains prime minister.

“Liz Truss never happened, the Queen yet reigns, we’re 30 points ahead in the polls and the EU has caved to the threat of the Protocol Bill and given Britain full access to the single market but we make our own rules.

“Everything is great again. The last 14 months were just a terrible, terrible nightmare which we’ll wake up from any minute now. Any minute now.”

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

TWATSPOTTING - #7 - PENNY FOR THE GUISE

How to write comedy. By Penny Mordaunt MP​

Writing comedy is a rare skill and one I have mastered completely, as my speech about Labour and Gary Lineker proved. Follow my advice and you’ll be writing for Friends before you know it!

1: Use surprise -
A good joke leads the audience down one path, then BAM! You hit them with a surprising punchline. After my lengthy, confused analogy about Labour being a football team, Tory MPs kept coming up to me and saying: ‘I can’t f.ucking believe you just did that.’ See? Surprise. Works every time.

2: Be topical -
I did my routine just days after Gary Lineker criticised our immigration policy. It worked so well because I’d got my finger on the pulse of popular culture. In my next speech I’m going to compare myself to Lara Croft. Don’t worry if you don’t know who she is, young people will. They’re always ‘gaming it’ on their PlayBox 390s.

3: Employ pathos -
Withnail and I, Four Weddings and a Funeral, The Graduate – they all masterfully switch between comedy and tragedy. As did my speech, going from hilarity to a heartfelt plea for our nation. ‘The country needs people that put in the hard work, take tough decisions, grip a problem and work out how to solve it,’ I said. Angela Rayner actually started crying helplessly at this point, with many more MPs on both sides of the House gripped by thoughtful silence.

4: Skilfully use swearing -
Experienced comedy writers use swearing for shock value and emphasis. Back in 2014 I inserted ‘c.ock’ into a speech as many times as possible as an in-joke for my old Royal Navy cronies and they loved it. Actually, ‘inserting c.ock as many times as possible’ sounds jolly rude too! That’s hilarious! I’m writing that down.

5: Learn from the greats of comedy -
‘Every prime minister needs a Willie,’ was Margaret Thatcher’s classic gag, to which I added ‘A woman like me doesn’t have one’ to score a few cheap political points on transgender issues. Any comedian will tell you it’s fine to borrow other people’s material. The true greats of comedy – Jim Davidson, James Corden, Joe Pasquale – do it all the time.

6: Understand metaphor and simile -
An apt comparison can bring the house down, so have metaphors and similes in your comedy armoury. My line about Labour being a ‘party of goal hangers’ who want to ‘take an easy shot’ really nailed it. The audience definitely wasn’t just sitting there in baffled silence, they were savouring my wit. If I ever leave politics I’ll probably get a job on Frasier. They love clever humour.

7: Endless knob gags -
One of my routines is about Royal Navy training for taking care of your penis and testicles in harsh conditions. If I seem a bit obsessed with penis humour, all I can say is that’s just me – I can’t get enough c.ock! No but seriously, I love gigging here in the Commons, next to Big Ben – and they don’t call him ‘Big’ because of the size of his clockface, know what I mean, ladies? Thank you, thank you, you’ve been a great audience. Goodnight!

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

THE SCORES - GARY LINEKER 1 - BBC 0 LOL + LOL + HA-HA-HA- PLUS AN EXTRA HA-HA-HA


TWATSPOTTING - #8 - TORY BANKER W.ANKER

How to gaze down at the ruins of your own blasted genitalia, by BBC chairman Richard Sharp​

by BBC chairman Richard Sharp - Helped Boris get a £800,000 loan & some, Tory donor @ £900,000, Tory crony-twat.

''Very few people know what it’s like to look down and see your own genitals in irrevocable ruin. Largely it’s men at war and, after this weekend, me.

Up until last week? I was cocky about what I had down there. I had swagger in my walk as I strutted around Broadcasting House, hiring and firing, cancelling shows on whim.

Why wouldn’t I be? My dad’s a baron. I spent 30 years as king of the investment banking world at J.P Morgan and Goldman Sachs then became chairman of the mother-f.ucking Beeb. Did I have any relevant experience? Hell no. But I wanted it. So I got it.

Sure, there was a minor kerfuffle about my recommending Boris Johnson for a loan, but it was all a bit arcane, he’s no longer prime minister, and it would all soon be forgotten. Or so I, and my frontal fruit-bowl, believed.

A mere tweet from a mere sports presenter? I delegated that. The director general, a good lad who firmly backs impartiality in the Tories’ favour, could handle it. If the presenter in question refuses to apologise? He will discover the consequences.

Such was my belief when I still had a cock. But now, fewer than 72 hours later, it seems I was entirely wrong and my private parts are as rubble.

I won’t recover. No more will I be the swinging dick of state-owned media. The scrutiny of my shattered scrotum will end only with my resignation. A bunch of ex-footballers and 5 Live presenters have absconded, laughing, with my meat and veg tucked beneath their arms.

Appointed to control the news, I have become it. Emasculated before my peers and the nation, Johnson has done for me and my johnson. There’s nothing left but shreds.

Let this be a warning. For there, but for lifelong privilege, being awarded a job without any experience or expertise, and f.ucking up mightily due to arrogance and hubris, go we all.''

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

TWATSPOTTING - #9 - FAR-RIGHT SNOWFLAKES WON'T DO ANY THE DIRTY WORK

You realise we do all the work, say immigrants​

Migrants have reminded Britain that they do pretty much all the work.

They pointed out that they were not invited to leave their cherished home countries as a result of some experiment in multiculturalism imposed by the liberal elite.

Nor did they come here because it was their dream to luxuriate on the dole in Dover or Braintree.

Tom Booker, a fully qualified Syrian medical doctor, who anglicised his name to avoid having stale Greggs pastries thrown at him, said: “Do you seriously think we dreamed of leaving our homes to settle in your idyllic country of roundabouts, multi-storey car parks and precincts?

“We’re here to pick the strawberries you can’t be arsed to pick, pull the pints you can’t be arsed to pull, handwash the cars you can’t be f.ucked to handwash, clean the hospital wards you can't be arsed to clean and wipe the elderly arses you can’t be arsed to wipe.

“But we do apologise if our slightly swarthy complexions and occasional grammatical errors are an intolerable burden on you.

“Naturally, we’ll follow government plans and sod right off back home. Oh, and if your economy should take an unexpected downturn, feel free to come over here and pick our potatoes.”

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

TWATSPOTTING - #10, #9, #8, #7, #6, #5, #4, #3, #2, #1, another day, another meltdown.

Boo-hoo-hooing far-right snowflakery at its most glorious! Melty McMelt time.

Right wing snowflakes expected to take crushing defeat not well, not well at all.​

Conservative party, their supporters are expected to take their absolute pounding defeat by Gary Lineker on the chin and not bear any grudges.

Tories and far-right supporters, ostensibly uninvolved in Lineker’s suspension, apart from demanding it, cheering it and ludicrously claiming a silent 20-minute Match of the Day was brilliant, are planning to forget it and move on.

Ray Cyst-Warrakhunt, 68, a BNP party member from some hidden snowflake fortress in Wales, UK said: “No hard feelings. After all, we love hate the BBC almost as much as we love hate the NHS.

“So, even though we had our arses surgically detached and served to us with a flourish under a big silver cloche in front of all our important friends, we’re not going to plot revenge in any way.

“After all, it’s not like our pets in the media resent the BBC, is it? For providing popular entertainment and trusted news their plutocrat owners can’t compete with? So the motivation just isn’t there.

“And, what with us getting kicked out of power for a good decade shortly, it’s not as though we’ve got nothing to lose. We’re hardly going to smash Britain up like we’re the Bullingdon Club or anything.

“So expect no retaliation from us, and certainly not the abolition of the licence fee and that jug-eared f.ucker getting locked in jail for his tax affairs. It’s just not the Tory way.”

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

TWATSPOTTING - #11 - They might be vampires

Why we must keep out blood sucking refugees, by a far right racist bigot

Ray Cyst-Itis, 63, explains why letting them into the UK is a risk we can’t take:

1: They could be vampires
Ukraine borders Transylvania, where Dracula lives. Bleeding heart liberals might be fine with Ukrainians flying around all night, all cleavage and sucking your dog’s blood out, but if they want to do that, I say stay in your own country.

2: We’re literally full
We are. Farmfoods was heaving on Saturday. If too many Ukrainians arrive the sheer weight could make Britain tilt over and millions of cars and people will slide into the sea. My daughter denies it but it’s just basic physics. The state of education these days.

3: They’ll get used to the cushy migrant lifestyle
Thanks to brave GB News presenters who aren’t afraid of the truth, we know that the Ukrainians want free pizza and five-star hotels and anyone who questions this will be arrested for racism. They’re a proud people who love hard work in freezing temperatures, so letting them get used to luxury wouldn’t be fair to them.

4: It would encourage far-right extremism
More immigrants would increase support for far-right groups and that’s the last thing we want. Broadly speaking. Personally I think we need a strong leader and more discipline and national service, but I’m thinking of the gay metropolitan leftists. And I only think of them when I have a freshly soggy tissue in my had. Enough said.

5: It still might be a hoax
We all know how easy it is to fake things on the internet. Imagine if Ukrainians have faked the invasion with computer graphics so they can come here to cash in our generous benefits system. We’ll look like f.ucking knobheads then.'', whined Cyst-Itist.


TY@TDM