A bear walks into a bar and says

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by funandflirty, Sep 18, 2020.

  1. funandflirty

    funandflirty UKChat Familiar

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2020
    Messages:
    286
    Likes Received:
    237

    that was a lot of jokes!!!! :D:D

    It certainly past the time as I took a break, thanks :)
     
  2. Words

    Words UKChat Familiar

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2018
    Messages:
    1,221
    Likes Received:
    427
    A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The bartender pours the man a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pockets again and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it," the man answered. "The frog was nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
     
  3. Words

    Words UKChat Familiar

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2018
    Messages:
    1,221
    Likes Received:
    427
    This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" replies the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day."
     
  4. crusti

    crusti UKChat Initiate

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2018
    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    31
    Took my car for a service last week.
    Nearly took the church doors off!
     
    funandflirty likes this.
  5. funandflirty

    funandflirty UKChat Familiar

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2020
    Messages:
    286
    Likes Received:
    237
    You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?










    Because they’re really good at it.
     
  6. Words

    Words UKChat Familiar

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2018
    Messages:
    1,221
    Likes Received:
    427
    A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners

    The lady says, "Come Again!"

    The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
     
    funandflirty likes this.
  7. Words

    Words UKChat Familiar

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2018
    Messages:
    1,221
    Likes Received:
    427
    A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
     
    funandflirty likes this.
  8. Words

    Words UKChat Familiar

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2018
    Messages:
    1,221
    Likes Received:
    427
    A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
     
  9. crusti

    crusti UKChat Initiate

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2018
    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    31
    Bono and the Edge walk into a bar, the barman says 'oh no, not U 2 again.
     
  10. Words

    Words UKChat Familiar

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2018
    Messages:
    1,221
    Likes Received:
    427
    Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
    A: She couldn't find the "10" button.
     
  11. Words

    Words UKChat Familiar

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2018
    Messages:
    1,221
    Likes Received:
    427
    Dear Tech Support,

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

    What can I do?

    Signed, Desperate

    Dear Desperate,

    First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

    Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

    But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

    Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.

    These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7.

    Good Luck, Tech Support
     
  12. crusti

    crusti UKChat Initiate

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2018
    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    31

    And Reboot, try turning him off, waiting a while and turning him on again
     
    Words likes this.

Share This Page