A bear walks into a bar and says

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by funandflirty, Sep 18, 2020.

  1. Johnnyirish65

    Johnnyirish65 UKChat Newbie

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    Clever , well done!
     
  2. funandflirty

    funandflirty UKChat Familiar

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    Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

    Johnny: "Seven."

    Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

    Johnny: "Seven."

    Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

    Johnny: "Six."

    Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

    Johnny: "Seven!"

    Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"

    Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
     
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  3. Resolute

    Resolute UKChat Initiate

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    What do you call a Right-winger with no teeth?

    Whiny Gums!

    Oh, wait - there's no 'bear' connection. Oh, well ;)
     
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  4. funandflirty

    funandflirty UKChat Familiar

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    I was walking down the road when someone
    threw a block of cheese at me.

    I thought well that's mature ...
    :oops:
     
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  5. Wojcik

    Wojcik UKChat Expert

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    Why didn't the cheese want to get sliced? He had grater plans.
     
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  6. funandflirty

    funandflirty UKChat Familiar

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    My friend says to me:
    "What rhymes with orange"

    I said:
    "no it doesn't"
     
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  7. Wojcik

    Wojcik UKChat Expert

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    Took me a few minutes to get that one lol. Very clever.

    Why did the orange go out with a prune? It couldn't find a date.
     
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  8. Poco_Loco

    Poco_Loco ✪ Moderator Staff Member

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    What happened after an explosion at a French Cheese factory ?

    All that was left was de brie.
     
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  9. TwoWhalesInAPool

    TwoWhalesInAPool UKChat Familiar

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    A bear walks into a bar and says...

    ''OUCH''
     
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  10. funandflirty

    funandflirty UKChat Familiar

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    How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?




    Ten tickles
    :)
     
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  11. funandflirty

    funandflirty UKChat Familiar

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    Who can drink a litre of petrol without dying?







    Gerry can
    :D:D:D:D
     
  12. funandflirty

    funandflirty UKChat Familiar

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    What do you call an alligator in a vest??


    An investigator :D:D
     
  13. Words

    Words UKChat Familiar

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    What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
    It gets toad away.
     
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  14. Words

    Words UKChat Familiar

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    Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
    A: "Put it on my bill."
     
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  15. Words

    Words UKChat Familiar

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    A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
     
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  16. Words

    Words UKChat Familiar

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    Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."
     
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  17. Words

    Words UKChat Familiar

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    THREE TREES AND A WOODPECKER
    Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

    The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

    The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."

    Now wipe that smile off your face.
     
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  18. Words

    Words UKChat Familiar

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    A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & fucks all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now. The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, & a parrot too which is now scaring him. Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head. The farmer says, "You horny bastard, you deserve this." The rooster opens one eye, points up, & whispers, "Shh! Don't shout, let them land!"
     
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  19. Words

    Words UKChat Familiar

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    A man goes to a strip club with an alligator. He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute. After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth. To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed. "Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?" After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand. It's a woman. "I guess I can try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."
     
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  20. Words

    Words UKChat Familiar

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    So a bear walks into a bar...
    In Brooklyn there is a local ordinance that you can't serve beers to bears in bars in Brooklyn, so this bear walks into a bar in Brooklyn and orders a beer and the bartender goes, "whoa, your a bear, sorry I can't serve beers to bears in bars in Brooklyn."

    To which the bear replies, "well I'm a bear in this bar in Brooklyn and you gonna give me a beer bartender."

    And the bartender says, "no way guy, I could get shut down. I am not gonna serve a beer to a bear in this bar in Brooklyn."

    So the bear says, "look here bartender, I'm a bear in this bar in Brooklyn, and your gonna serve me a beer, otherwise I'm going down to the end of your bar and eating that b****!"

    And the bartender replies, "threats aren't gonna help you any bud, I can't serve beers to bears in bars in Brooklyn."

    So the bear walks down to the end of the bar and eats the chick and comes back to the bartender and says, "so are you giving this bear a beer in this bar in Brooklyn, or am I eating you next, bartender."

    To which the bartender says" hey man, I can't serve beers to bears in bars in Brooklyn, especially not bears on drugs"

    And the bear says,"what do you mean bears on drugs?"

    And the bartender says, "that bar b**** you ate(barbiturate)."
     
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