The Woke Thread

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

WOKE 10​

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Plans for Bollywood sequence in the remake of Zulu has upset a racist​

Racist conspiracy theorist Laurence Fox is said to be frothing at the mouth over rumours that Sikh actors are planning to ruin his favourite war film of all time by dancing around gaily in those silly turbans.

Film experts are universally agreed that a Bollywood interpretation of the classic Boer War confrontation is long overdue and casting is well underway for the remake, which should hit small independent theatres run by homosexuals in the autumn of 2023.

Fox, however, is still recovering from PTSD in a London clinic after the appearance of a solitary Sikh infantryman in the film 1917 caused him to regurgitate his popcorn and subsequently vanish up his own off-white arsehole.

The revelation that the First World War featured a handful of non-white combatants came as a shock to many and is, of course, nothing more than lazy propaganda by woke, liberal bastärd Sam Mendes.

1917 depicts the hellish reality of large-scale mechanised warfare, but certain scenes have proved controversial to Fox and others, such as a horse that disobeys orders and a trench shaped like a vagina.

But the presence of a Sikh in a white man’s war was too much for the jobbing actor, leading to the movie’s only negative review on film site Rotten Tomatoes.

“A Bollywood remake of Zulu is just woke political correctness gone mad,” Fox told reporters.

“As we know, Sikhs were largely absent from the Anglo-Boer conflicts, unless you count the 26th Bengal Infantry, the 1st Bombay Lancers and the 5th Bombay Mountain Battery.

“OK, so there was a few – mainly taxi drivers. I guess you could have that Sanjay from Eastenders.”

He added, “Also – Michael Caine in a sari? I’m not sure how that’s going to work.”

TY@NT

 

[Dropship]

Chief- "Go home white men!"



Caine- "F**k you Charlie"

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

WOKE 11

Breaking News:

A man who has posted thousands of conspiracy videos and info from right wing conspiracy websites onto various online forums has concluded his latest posting with the straightforwardly funny conclusion of “WAKE UP”.

Ray Cyst, 63, commented on a news story regarding someone breaking a fingernail, blamed it on the Covid vaccine and continued with a diatribe including phrases such as “this is how the holocaust started”, “the vaccine is experimental poison” and “if you put up with this then your kids will be next”.

“WAKE UP!” concluded Cyst, hitting submit and sitting back for a victory sip on a can of Special Brew. I warned you''

“Everything I’ve just said is true. I’ve seen it on YouTube after performing a search for videos that only confirm my existing biases. That’s how research works.''

“The rest of you sheep need to get a fvcking grip. Big pharma is out to kill you. That’s how making money definitely works: by killing your customer base.''

“You look confused. Of COURSE you do. Fvcking sheep. Bet you think this ISN’T the start of Holocaust 2 either.''

“You know what? Get out of my basement. I don’t need your bootlicker energy messing with my vibe.”

Rays ex wife commented, “Technically it’s MY basement.''

“I’m not sure what he means by ‘vibe’, unless he means the smell, which I would very much like to mess with.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

WOKE 12

30P LEE, THE LYING LIAR THAT LIES ABOUT EVERYTHING


Fast food restaurant McDonald’s has taken out a restraining order against 30p Lee Anderson after he revealed he sees the same customers there several times a week.

In a completely ‘on brand’ speech in which he vilified foodbank users who had the temerity to visit a fast food restaurant, Anderson explained that he had seen one family several times in a single week – something he would only know if he himself had been there all week.

A lawyer for McDonald’s said, “Statistically speaking, the chances of Lee Anderson being at the McDonald’s in question at the exact same time as the family in question – three times in one week – is vanishingly small.

“The only logical conclusion is that he was there the ENTIRE time, in a desperate attempt to ensure he saw every family during every visit. As such, my client has taken out a restraining order to prevent Mr Anderson from hanging around McDonald's restaurants in the hope of glimpsing people he doesn’t believe should be allowed to eat fast food.

“Of course, it’s also entirely possible he was lying about seeing them, that this family is completely fictional and his speech was merely an attempt to pander to his right-wing base using falsehoods to demonise a group of vulnerable people.''

''But what sort of human being would do that sort of thing?''

“So, instead of complaining about struggling families that might have decided to pay £3.49 for a child’s Happy Meal as a treat, perhaps he would be better spent querying why the taxpayer spends £4m a year to subsidise the food he eats at the House of Commons restaurant?”

TY@NT

 

[Dropship]

I've never heard of 30pLee, but if he's exposing the vultures who plunder food banks when they don't need them, good for him..

 

[Dropship]

Speaking of vultures, others are the strikers of the NHS, Ambulancemen, doctors, teachers, postmen, train drivers etc, all wanting to get their greedy snouts in the trough for more money..

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

WOKE 13 - UNLUCKY FOR SOME

Five heartless b4stards who are dead against the nurses' strike​

Nurses deserve more pay.

But you’re always going to find people who disagree.

Like the angry mob below


1: Angry elderly wanker.s on the internet. From porn to politics they rage about it all, tissues at the ready.

A certain section of society hates anyone else getting anything or being happy in any way. They’re nutters, just very boring ones. And they’ll be there on internet comments in force, accusing nurses of being ‘ungrateful’, putting their greedy snouts in the trough for more money, and being the same vultures that use food banks for their weekly shop, and making beyond-idiotic comments like: ‘When I pretend I was working, I wish I’d been lucky enough to get a fancy nurse’s uniform completely free. Scroungers. But then again, nurses in uniforms, pass me the tissues!’

2: Jeremy Hunt, the Nasty Khnut. Another conman on the take.

The chancellor used to be in charge of the NHS, and in both roles he hasn’t exactly helped nurses. A modest pay rise will be off the table, but expect him to make some lame gesture like applauding on the doorstep of Number 11. Yes, nurses can have a 10 per cent rise in claps. Actually it’s probably best not to give him ideas.

3: The Daily Mail, right-wing rag for right wing losers.

Hardly a surprise but it should be mentioned. The hate rag is currently testing the waters by having a go at GP opening hours, and if that goes down well with its rabid readership of gammons, expect them to rip into nurses by the start of next week. It wouldn’t be beneath them to note that cancer patients always end up in hospital, so maybe nurses cause cancer?

4: Private healthcare investors, total thieves and conmen

Shareholders in private healthcare will boo the nurses while loving the strikes. One step closer to a totally dysfunctional NHS and a private health insurance hellhole like the US. They’re aware that minor ailments will impoverish people and they won’t go the the doctor, but somehow when you’re making loads of money that’s fine. Just ask Michelle Mone.

5: Your nan who needs a hip replacement

Fair enough, really. She’s been waiting years for the operation. Now she’ll have to rearrange the appointment which will be a right faff and pray there aren’t train strikes on that day. On the other hand, if the nurses don’t go on strike, things could end up so bad that nan has to do her own surgery next time.

TY@NT

 

[Dropship]

The “Far right” protesting about illegal immigrants being shipped in en masse and putting their children/grandchildren in danger. People are scared, illegal immigrants have been filmed approaching schoolgirls and asking for sex, others have been arrested for sexual assault and worse, is it really any surprise people are scared?

Don't forget that the twats who vote for the useless mainstream parties are just as much to blame..

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

WOKE 14 - PANIC STRIKES

A man has today revealed to close friends that he is worried he has become ‘dangerously woke’ after using a gender-neutral bathroom without even realising.

Ray Cyst, 62, told friends, “I don’t know what to do, I went for a coffee yesterday and needed to use the toilet, but it wasn’t until I was sat back down at my table that I realised it was a GENDER NEUTRAL toilet. How is that even possible?

“How can I – a man as non-woke as it’s possible to be – relieve myself in a gender-neutral toilet without even noticing?”

Despite friends consoling him and repeatedly explaining that this isn’t anything to do with being ‘woke’, Cyst continued to fret, and went on to reluctantly reveal further details of his newfound ‘wokeness’.

“It’s not just the toilet,” he explained, “It gets worse. Much worse.”

Ray stared at the floor before continuing, “The coffee shop barista, was, well, I don’t honestly know if it was a boy or a girl – but I ordered a coffee from them anyway, and it was all perfectly pleasant, and their gender made absolutely no difference whatsoever to my drink, OR to our brief transactional interaction.

“I disgust myself,” he added, on the verge of tears.

“If I’m being honest, I’m worried my descent in wokeness has been happening for a while. Back in December, I saw a sign outside a shop that said ‘Happy Holidays’, and I didn’t immediately think it was an attack on Christmas, but a simple non-denominational inclusive greeting that didn’t hurt anyone.

“And there was a guy on the High Street selling the Big Issue, but instead of telling him to get a proper job, I nearly bought one. Nearly. I was this close.

“I saw a rainbow in the week and stopped to look at it. Do you think that’s how I caught it? Or do you think I need to see a doctor? I’m worried my kids have secretly arranged for me to have a gammonectomy.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

WOKE 15 - IRONY OVERLOAD

Man with #AllLivesMatter hashtag in his bio now calling for RNLI to let migrants boats sink in the Channel​

A man who can’t wait to insist #AllLivesMatter whenever anyone calls for help for a particularly vulnerable sub-group in our society, has today decided that the way to stop migrants crossing the channel is by having the RNLI sit back and let them drown.

Ray Cyst, 65, is of the view that ‘all lives matter’ only when it helps weaken the argument of people he doesn’t like, preferring the moniker ‘some lives matter’ when the lives at stake are those he’s not particularly keen on.

He told us, “ALL lives matter – and that shouldn’t be a controversial opinion, AND everyone should all shut up and agree with me.

“It’s important to remind people that all lives matter whenever anyone is calling for the protection of a very specific group that doesn’t include white people.”

However, when asked about the ongoing attempts by asylum seekers to cross the channel in small dinghies, he told us, “It’s ridiculous; they’re literally getting away with murder. We should just tell the RNLI to let them drown, or better still, send in the Navy to sink a few of them and that’ll be the end of it.

“It’s mostly terrorists anyway.”

When it was pointed out that only yesterday boats arrived that included both children and pregnant women, he said, “Yeah, but that’s how the terrorists stop you blowing them up. They know we’re weak. They’d soon stop coming if they all ended up at the bottom of the channel.

“What? I don’t know what you mean, this in no way contradicts my previous position that all lives matter.”

Professor Raymond Raymondsson said, “Yeah, we’ve noticed the correlation. A Venn diagram of people who have tweeted #AllLivesMatter in the last twelve months, far-right racists, Nazi's and people who say we should be making these migrant dinghies turn around and go back to France is basically a circle.

“And yes, it’s a really big circle full of arseholes.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

WOKE 16 - LETTUCE PREY​

‘The Woke snowflakes had better not try and edit the words in my Bible’, insists 66yr old man seemingly unaware there are dozens of differently edited versions of the Bible​

As the ‘book censoring’ controversy continues apace with the announcement that the publishers of the James Bond novels might remove a few offensive terms that were commonplace in the 1950s, many have expressed outrage that any beloved book could ever have a few words removed or changed.

Ray Cyst, 66, a fan of the original sexist and slightly racist James Bond of the 1950s novels, is, in a turn of events that surprises absolutely no one, also a Ultra right-wing Conservative Christian. He told us, “How DARE they try and change a book I care about.

“What’s next? The Bible? I tell you, if they try and change a SINGLE word in my Bible, I will take to the streets!”

When Cyst was asked which Bible he meant, he told us, “THE Bible. The ONE Bible, you idiot.”

It was then explained to Cyst that there are many edited versions of the Bible, including the King James Version, the New King James Version, and the Revised Standard Version. Then there’s the Holman Christian Standard Bible, the English Standard Version, the New Living Translation, and the New International Version. Not to mention a whole raft of spin-off versions, such as the Latter Day Saints version of the King James Bible, which omits entire sections of the original King James version.

Cyst was left silent for a few moments, before continuing, “No, that simply can’t be right.

“I truly believe that editing books to ensure they are more relatable to modern audiences is definitely a ‘bad thing’, so it’s impossible that this has been done many, many times to the most important book in the world – the book I love above all others – and all without me even realising it was happening.

“You must be wrong, sorry.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

WOKE 17 - BALLSRUS WOKERY

'WOKE BBC presenters should only express opinions in columns we’ve paid them to write', say The Sun​

The Sun newspaper has strongly criticised WOKE Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker after he expressed an opinion that they didn’t pay for.

The paper’s front page insisted there was ‘fury’ that WOKE Lineker expressed a point of view while being employed by the BBC.

“The BBC is supposed to be impartial, so Lineker should keep his opinions to himself,” insisted the nation’s favourite tabloid.

“If he can’t keep his opinions to himself then he should have the decency to make up some new ones that our readers agree with.

“Much like Jeremy Clarkson used to do for us on a weekly basis when he presented Top Gear, on the BBC.”

Licence fee holder and Sun ‘reader’ Ray Cyst, 63, told us, “How dare Gary Lineker express an opinion I don’t agree with, doesn’t he know that he basically works for me?

“I want my BBC presenters to hold nice middle-of-the-road political opinions, just like that lovely Clarkson fellow.”

TY@NT