The Woke Thread

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

WOKE 1:

30p Lee just one week away from calling for shoplifters to have their hands cut off​

Chairman of the Conservative Party, '30p Lee' Anderson, has wasted no time whatsoever in revealing his innermost desires with a call for a return of the death penalty.

Anderson has begun his appeal to vengeful bloodthirsty voters with a call to bring back hanging.

“Go big or go home, that’s my motto,” explained Anderson.

“I could have called for us to chop off the hands of shoplifters, but that was too timid, in my opinion. Sure, I do want shoplifters to live the rest of their lives as amputees, but that can come later.

“First, I need to convince people that it’s right and proper that civilised societies often murder their criminals. And that’s quite difficult given the death penalty has been proven not to be a deterrent, and there are often miscarriages of justice which mean innocent people would be killed.

“But look, I went from Labour councillor to Tory party deputy chair in just five years, simply by saying awful things to appeal to the most awful voters, so I do know what I’m doing here.

“As I’ve already said, nobody ever committed a crime after they were executed – so let’s just ignore the fact that plenty of people also never committed a crime before they were executed.”

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

WOKE 2​

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Chess, the five-hundred-year-old abstract strategy game has today been dismissed as a tool of the wokerati after it was revealed that the pawns used in the game can later identify as bishops, knights and even Queens.​

Stu Pidkhunt, 65, a retired battery chicken farmer who is always on the lookout for the next big thing to be outraged by, spoke of his outrage, telling us, “It’s outrageous, absolutely outrageous!

“I don’t play chess just so these woke pieces can go around being all modern and gender-fluid. A pawn is a pawn is a pawn. That’s it. That’s the way it is, and that’s the way it should be.

All this self-identifying nonsense is what’s stopping Brexit from being a success, and it needs to end now.

“I don’t care if my opponent thinks this pawn that reached my side of the board can suddenly identify as a Queen, I’m not having it. He’ll be telling me his pawn is a bloody attack helicopter next!”

Pidkhunt said his point had a more serious element, telling us, “Pawns just going around identifying as queens willy-nilly threatens the rights of real queens.

If you have pawns going around pretending to be queens, what happens to the queens’ safe spaces, huh?

“The sooner we cancel Chess, the better.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

WOKE 3

With the exception of shouting angrily about flags, literally everything a person can do or say should be considered ‘dangerously woke’ and therefore is not to be encouraged or trusted.

Leading alt-right gobshite wankurs recently conducted extensive research into wokery, and after twenty minutes they concluded conclusively that everyone should simply stick to shouting angrily about flags.

“It’s a perilous situation for Great Britain right now,” said Bowring Fanee, 59, a professor at the University of Life.

“There are people saving other people from drowning, being good at sport, preserving sites of historic interest, and all sorts of other dangerously woke activities.

“This level of wokeism is unprecedented and, if we’re not careful, Great Britain could become full of people being nice and kind to each other.”

Professor Fanee has concluded that there is only one thing we can do to avoid such a disastrous and anti-British outcome.

“Shout angrily about flags,” he said.

“It’s the silent majority’s only hope. Just open the window and shout about how there should be more flags, or that flags aren’t big enough. If you see a person without a flag, go and shout at them until they get a flag.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re being coherent or not, shouting about flags doesn’t need to be coherent, it just needs to be quite loud. So, for Britain’s sake, shout about flags. Loudly.”

It is expected that, following the research, GB News, Nigel Farage, Laurence Fox, and little Darren Grimes will step up their efforts to shout angrily about flags as part of their ongoing battle to keep Britain unpleasant.

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

WOKE 4

A 60-year-old man from the Midlands has claimed that his right to free speech is being curtailed in a world overrun by ‘liberal woke lefties’, despite being perfectly comfortable expressing whatever opinion comes into his head, to anyone, at any time.

Dhum Twyhat, 58, made the comment in response to one of online forum posting, when he suggested that people who want to claim benefits should be neutered.

When he realised the post was being widely condemned and even his own son felt compelled to comment and ask him to take it down, he angrily declared that “you can’t say anything these days.”

His son said, “When I pointed out that he has just said whatever he likes openly and without any fear of persecution or serious consequences – which means his freedom of speech is entirely intact – he got even more pissed off.

“My dad seems to think that people not liking what he has to say is the same as not as being allowed to say it…. even though he does say it, and keeps saying it, to anyone who will listen. And to some of those who won’t.”

Dhum’s next-door neighbour Dave agrees, “Dhum keeps banging on about not having freedom of speech – but somehow we are all aware of his opinions on literally everything – from immigration and trans rights to Gregg’s vegan sausage rolls.

“For someone who supposedly can’t say anything these days, he sure does say an awful lot.”

TY@NT

 

[Dropship]

 

[Dropship]

I wouldn't like to bump into these two on a dark night..-

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

WOKE 5​

‘Live With A Racist’: struggling right-wing party launches AirBNP​

In a bid to try to curtail failing membership, the British National Party have launched an innovative house-sharing initiative.

AirBNP was unveiled by Al Wayzangree, a senior party member, to try to bring the party back into the mainstream of British politics.

“Butlin’s, Pontins, sprawling caravan parks in North Wales – nobody does holidays like Britain,” said Mr Wayzangree at the launch, “and now, we are thrilled to bring you the latest addition to that proud line-up, AirBNP.

“By allowing ordinary members of the British public – so long as they meet strict ethnic and racial criteria – to stay in the homes of our party members, we are hoping to put the BNP back to the racist heights not seen since its heyday.

“Our party already tried having its hate-filled rhetoric accepted by the British public on its own merits. When that didn’t work – even in these fractious times – we knew that the obvious next step for regaining votes was to resort to establishing companies on parody law.”

The MkKKlanster, a couple who have already listed their house through AirBNP, said that they were hoping it’d give them a chance to meet like-minded people.

So far, however, they say they’ve only had visits from Neo-Nazis and political crackpots.

Recognising some issues with the service, Mr Wayzangree said, “Obviously, there have already been some problems with foreign tourists mistaking our site for actual AirBnB and booking with us.

“While this is literally the exact opposite of what we wanted to happen, we also want them to leave positive reviews so please treat them nicely.”

One review of Mr Wayzangrees own property we found read “This house pushed the limits of credibility on the number of St. George’s Crosses and Union Flags one house can contain.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

WOKE 6​

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Elderly men still think 'woke' is an insult​

A man is still calling socially alert things ‘woke’ as if it’s an insult, it has emerged.

Ray Cist, 56, uses the word, along with ‘virtue signalling’ and ‘snowflake’, to mock what he perceives to be radical left
wing politics.

Cist said: “A lot of people attack me for calling things woke.''

It’s probably because I’m a white elderly male and not because I’m an angry, ignorant, racist twat.''

“Funny thing is I’m actually a modern kind of guy. I date using Grindr and sometimes flick through the i.''

“I just can’t stand it when anyone attempts to redress societal imbalances.''

We’ve all got a hill we’d die on, and this is mine.”

Booker’s Grindr date said: “It’s funny that someone as unprogressive as Ray is dead keen on using a term that has African-American origins.''

''He’d be unbearably smug that he’s misappropriating their vernacular if he knew what misappropriating meant.”

TY@DM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

WOKE 7

Period products being free is a victory for the feminazi stormtroopers of Wokeness.

Anti-woke man rages about period products from the basement in his parents house

Schools and council buildings are giving away sanitary towels like there’s no tomorrow.

Women across the UK want their period bonanza.

''Men don’t get free razors, and not shaving is exactly the same as a discharge of menstrual blood.'', said Mr Stu Pidkhunt, 59.

''The worst thing though is turning men into second-class citizens.''

''All because we’ve got a penis, although I expect feminists would like to chop that off in the name of ‘equality’ so we

all have to sit down on the loo.''

''What next?''

''Free cars, free clothes, free holidays?''

''Will women get free houses, while men have to pay a mortgage?''

''Or are not allowed to own a house at all?''

''It’s a slippery slope – first it’s sanitary towels, then it’s concentration camps.''

''And who’s paying for this?''

''Men, who earn more than women anyway.'' raged Pidkhunt, getting angrier and angrier with each word.

''Have women thought what happens when the economy’s in ruins thanks to frittering our wealth on expensive sanitary products?''

''No, because they don’t have logical brains. That’s just a scientific fact.''

''As women across the UK demand free tampons, the global economy will crash and we’ll return to the Dark Ages.''

''Our gleaming modern cities – built by men – will be overgrown ruins while mankind is reduced to subsistence farming

and wolves take the sick and dying.''

''In this age of tampon tyranny it’s only a matter of time before female police officers turn up on my doorstep with a

dress, and say: ‘Wear this Stu, and report for your surgery in a week’s time.’'

''Yes, I actually believe that.''

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

WOKE 8

Five weird things to have a mental knee-jerk reaction about​

Has your council suggested pedestrianising your local high street?

You’d better write a furious rant about it on any social media forum.

Here are some things that set dickheads off.

1: Pedestrianising the high street

Wouldn’t it be lovely to stroll up a car-free road to do your shopping? Absolutely not. People who leave comments on local news websites will become apoplectic about how not being able to park outside shops will kill the local high street. Then spend £200 on Amazon.

2: Groups of young people

A gang of teenagers could be doing a wholesome litter pick and people would claim it was a ‘drugs gang’. Teens are lazy, drugged-up climate change fanatics who are soft and pampered but also feral yobs. This obviously doesn’t make sense, but it doesn’t matter if being perpetually enraged is your hobby.

3: Traffic-calming measures

You’d think that installing a few speed bumps to stop children being mown down by giant Range Rovers would be a good thing, but you couldn’t be more wrong. Some nutter on Facebook will have an absolute wobbly over their human rights being infringed because it will take them 11 seconds longer to get to Tesco.

4: Teachers

Teachers are Marxists indoctrinating children into becoming woke ‘leftist’ stooges – ideally transsexual ones. There’s no way hundreds of thousands of teachers could have varied political views or just get on with the job. Unhinged types won’t stop making these daft accusations, then get angry because the quitters are leaving teaching.

5: White poppies

The BBC has said presenters can wear white poppies this year if they wish, which is a double whammy for full-time angry morons. They can demand the broadcaster be defunded while getting nostalgic about two wars they had nothing to do with. Perfect.

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

WOKE 9

The Wokerati blame the UK’s massive problems on racists, Tories, and Tory racists, while any sane person knows these are the real issues, writes Ray Cyst, aged 64.

M&Ms

Apparently, Mars are making the sexy green M&M stop wearing those high-heels in all their new ads. Bloody thought police! I’m sorry, but what I imagine doing to sexualised confectionery is between me, my conscience, and a packet of man-sized Kleenex.


Fireman

Any boy who dares say ‘I want to be a fireman when I grow up,’ today would be arrested. Well, I’m sorry, but I’d let my home burn to the ground rather than bow to the politically correct and ask for the help of ‘fire-people’. And I’m sure, if I asked them, my family would agree.


Taking the knee

I don’t go to the effort of illegally streaming football matches to watch a bunch of pampered millionaires kneel like they’re bloody proposing to each other for eight to ten seconds before a game. The way I see it, if Ian Rush never did it then it has no place in football.


Meghan Markle

I had to wash my hands after even typing that woman’s name. The fact that a man like Prince Harry can go from upholding traditional British values like dressing as Rommel to leading the woke brigade shows you just how dangerous she is. Clarkson was right.


Vegan sausage rolls

I have boycotted Greggs, at unimaginable personal cost, since the beginning of 2020 and am saddened my nation has not joined me. Unless a pig has lost its life, and the meat power-washed off its carcass has been compressed into a pastry-encrusted pipe, then it has no right being called a sausage roll.


Allergy warnings

If I hear one more Guardian-reader complaining about a gluten or nut intolerance, I’m going to shove a Snickers in a baguette and ram the whole thing down their throat. To hell with ‘may contain this or that’, we need survival of the fittest. It’s why Charles Dickens invented evolution.


Changing James Bond

I don’t give a sh** about Roald Dahl, it’s for kids. But changing the sacred texts of James Bond? Censoring a man who was a proud colonial racist, travelling the world to take out foreign potentates who dared challenge the British Empire, before using their women for what they’re good for? It’s made me numb all down one side of my body.

TY@NT

 

[Dropship]

..But changing the sacred texts of James Bond? Censoring a man who was a proud colonial racist, travelling the world to take out foreign potentates who dared challenge the British Empire..

The British Empire civilised half the world..

Chief- "Go home white men!"



Caine- "F**k you Charlie!"