UK countryside traditions

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

after Bobs unfortunate accident, ostriches were never allowed to work at the wood yard ever again

 

[SamBally]

An online keyboard warrior, a toothless gladiator with a bad haircut who is well into his trains, Choo Choo Timothy. Who can barely mumble a coherent sentence yet still appears to assume that he is an ultra extra special pearlflake (even by online standards). Boasts that he votes Tory and all while complaining about austerity in Cornwall. When challenged about that ridiculous statement immediately went on the defensive. Somewhat bizarrely shrieked about 'decomposing dead rabbits' on car seats rather than explaining like a rational adult.

An imaginary Cornish freedom fighter who once viciously ripped the stuffing out of his Teddy Bear called 'Humphry' during one of his many and frequent "episodes". Immediately buried Humphry's remains in the back garden before his mum saw the decapitated corpse. Because she bought him Humphry, special like, for his 40th birthday. They even had a birthday party n all, down in the basement where he resides with his new teddy 'Cawnwail'.

That really odd sense of online self-entitlement and self-importance which manifests itself in frequent irrational emotional outbursts. While he constantly SHOUTS about how "normal" he is and something or other about Cornwall and the Cornish in general, which is not all that important and which is not actually worth mentioning.

Let's be honest here, no one else in the entire UK, not a single solitary person, really gives a toss about the masochistic Tory voting Cornish and their god damn awful county. When God made the UK he (or she) ran out of exotic oil paint and so completed the UK by drawing Cornwall with an old crayon he (or she) found stuffed down the back of a battered old John Lewis sofa.

Just like that decrepit old bloke and his alter-ego who truly believes he is a world-renowned Covid-19 scientist and Ph.D. virologist. Who spends his ENTIRE life 24/7 angrily typing online about conspiracy theories to anyone who will listen but mostly to the 99.9% who stopped listening years ago. Because they recognized years ago that he is away with the fairies.

Who rather embarrassingly flounced from main chat because he wasn't the center of attention. A rather insipid, dull character who believes he is "edgy". Like a stuck record of 'Agadoo' but at least 50 times more boring. A general all-around tin foil hat wearer and hence his subsequent long-term illegal occupation of the boards. Like a woke leftie squatter, a Tory MP, or a tick on a cow's arse.

Where he can demonstrate to the rest of his online world that he is a 'someone' and that he is a very 'important' someone at that. Publishing his lifes work to his heart's content, courtesy of American conspiracy theory websites. Daily, thousands of posts daily, for years and years and years.

Then finally, deep breath, there is that one other helmet, and this particular helmet is a rather special grade-A helmet. Lives alone, in solitary isolation in a decrepit shack in the wilderness (Hampshire). No running water, no mains power, a battered old diesel driven generator that constantly breaks down (rusty bolts). With a stuffed dead squirrel he talks to a lot, an awful lot. According to local folklore, he has named it Sandra, I have no idea why. Well, I do have an idea why but I promised not to say.

Spending all his spare time dramatically screaming at jammed wheel nuts, getting rejected by women online, in-between incessantly whining that no one else in the UK works as hard as he does. This man works 38 hours a day, 90 weeks a year I'll have you know. After taking 2 exhausting 38 hour days to remove a single nut he victoriously screeched out loud (to the dead squirrel?) "you will NEVER beat me, you bastard!"

All while he constantly rages at multiple women online who have publicly rejected his crude advances over the years. "Me man you woman you give me your PM and I PM you shout AT you me man you woman. What you mean no?" Pleading to his dead squirrel "why those 'objects' called women always do this to me?"

That's an awful lot of women and btw it will take far more than the 12 fingers, people from the South West possess, to count.

 

[SamBally]

I think give those two far more credit than they deserve, although I do like the chihuahua comparison. They yap away annoyingly, run around like excited puppies whenever anyone posts something they feel they can mock, belittle, or openly insult, then curl up together grooming each-other. On the plus side both are totally harmless, they have no bite.

You are OBSESSED with me.

 

[SamBally]

You're a good bloke Breakwake. I'm certain you and me have never drawn swords.

We have chatted about Steam Engines and History.. if only briefly.

Regarding the 'Terrible Twins'...If I were you.. I would totally Ignore them.

They aren't posting 'Satire'...They seem mentally deranged and get pleasure from insulting folk but from under the Cloak of 'It's only Satire'.

Don't get drawn in to such foolishness. Let them wriggle amongst themselves.

You are a way better person.

If everyone here ignores them... Eventually they will have no option but to move on.

Do fukc off you creepy pest.

You don't like "rejection" do you.

Thanks, hun.

 

[SamBally]

Say 2 coppers with a God-complex who were sacked from the force because of their views which they probably considered satire. Obviously now hating everything because they've had their silver spoons stolen. You two were once coppers right? Nah don't bother answering noone cares. Go away and leave the rest of us here to use you for our entertainment, if you're capable of doing anything else than typing hate. Try the circus. Leave this to the normal adults like the rest of us on this site. Have a break, take a nibble of a rusk and a sip of baby formula, have a little nap. Let us use you

For everyone else on this site, take the p*ss out them like they do, its only satire. Doubt the two of them have ever done any work harder than typing, other than beating miners and typing hate towards women and other races. And now they've had their silver spoons taken away from them. What are others opinions on these two strange yappy chihuahua's? Currently performing their strange mating ritual towards each yapping away. Give it a sec they'll start humping each others legs then they'll need a fortnights sleep afterwards cause humping legs is the hardest work they've ever done. Darwin would like them. Anyone else want to type anything about them, whats everyone elses view on these two? Don't worry they can't type to us, their God complex forbids it. Hey I'm not sure if I feel a God complex coming on too...

I don't speak Cornish. Any translators in who can?

 

[SamBally]

Oh dear oh dear. And you posted this nonsense with no embarrassment? Astonishing.

Look at him. Been up ALL night again lurking waiting for me to post, desperate to post an unimaginative dour, sh/it response.

It will sleep the booze off all day today and be back tonight for some more.

The old man is OBSESSED with me.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Look at him. Been up ALL night again lurking waiting for me to post, desperate to post an unimaginative dour, sh/it response.

It will sleep the booze off all day today and be back tonight for some more.

The old man is OBSESSED with me.

LOL

Isn't it weird how fast the right wing free speech brigade shapeshifts into a giant snowdrift the moment anyone says something they don’t like.

 

[SamBally]

Say 2 coppers with a God-complex who were sacked from the force because of their views which they probably considered satire. Obviously now hating everything because they've had their silver spoons stolen. You two were once coppers right?

***Scratches head in complete bewilderment and also desperately tries to work out what on earth the connection is between 'coppers' (Ooo I say) and 'silver spoons'?

Is it a cunning cryptic puzzle?

Is there a punchline or something that you forgot to add?

Have 'coppers' previously beaten you about the head with a baton and left you severely concussed?

Currently performing their strange mating ritual towards each yapping away. Give it a sec they'll start humping each others legs then they'll need a fortnights sleep afterwards cause humping legs is the hardest work they've ever done.

Hey Mr Gummy, I hate to break bad news scrawny so hold on tight, 'normal adults' don't type random freaky sh/it like that to total strangers online, you know this is a clean site right? Do try and control your grubby mind OK mister!

Plus... it just isn't funny, I humbly suggest you leave the satire to the professionals.

Leave this to the normal adults like the rest of us on this site.

Also if I may, why do you keep typing "we think this" and "we think that", as if you speak for the entire site? Do you seriously think that the "normal" people you keep going on about on this site and you are 100% not one of them, choose to be associated with a man who lives in his mum's basement with his teddy bear collection, and who angrily rages for weeks on end because someone you don't even know typed they think Cornwall is sh/it?

Which it is, really really sh/it.

Finally...

Thanks for everyones support, I'll do as recommended.

Three people semi-supported you, two of them were point-scoring and are as barking as you are. Anyone would think you have just won an Oscar or a Golden Globe.

Please, get a grip you wet flannel and do try and control your emotions in the future!

 

[SamBally]

Isn't it weird how fast the right wing free speech brigade shapeshifts into a giant snowdrift the moment anyone says something they don’t like.

Lol, usually they hide quivering behind a bush until there is a few of them and then they jump out all macho and brave.

My brain surgery (not real) was postponed, so not a few days, after all. A Cornish surgeon turned up carrying a Black and Decker and a rusty old saw.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

***Scratches head in complete bewilderment and also desperately tries to work out what on earth the connection is between 'coppers' (Ooo I say) and 'silver spoons'?

Is it a cunning cryptic puzzle?

Is there a punchline or something that you forgot to add?

Have 'coppers' previously beaten you about the head with a baton and left you severely concussed?



Hey Mr Gummy, I hate to break bad news scrawny so hold on tight, 'normal adults' don't type random freaky sh/it like that to total strangers online, you know this is a clean site right? Do try and control your grubby mind OK mister!

Plus... it just isn't funny, I humbly suggest you leave the satire to the professionals.



Also if I may, why do you keep typing "we think this" and "we think that", as if you speak for the entire site? Do you seriously think that the "normal" people you keep going on about on this site and you are 100% not one of them, choose to be associated with a man who lives in his mum's basement with his teddy bear collection, and who angrily rages for weeks on end because someone you don't even know typed they think Cornwall is sh/it?

Which it is, really really sh/it.

Finally...



Three people semi-supported you, two of them were point-scoring and are as barking as you are. Anyone would think you have just won an Oscar or a Golden Globe.

Please, get a grip you wet flannel and do try and control your emotions in the future!

I had to read his mutterings, let's say, more than once, to find out what on earth, what on fu.cking earth, he was talking about.

And I still don't know.

Police? Does he think we are members of some 1980s band?

Best wishes,

Bemused in Balamory

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

National Cream Tea Day sees violence on Devon/Cornwall border over whether cream or jam should be first​

There have been localised outbreaks of violence between residents of Devon and Cornwall as the annual debate rages over which sweet topping should be applied to the scone first.

National Cream Tea day, which aims to be a day of unity across Britain in celebration of the famously decadent snack, has instead reawakened the age-old debate over the correct order to apply the cream and the jam to the scone.

“Forget the Leave vs Remain debate – this is the issue of the day. And it’s clearly jam first, then cream!” raged Bray, from Cornwall, lobbing a stale scone at a Devonshire neighbour.

“Bollock, it’s cream first, then jam!” yelled Devonshire lass, Kriztina, flicking a spoonful of cream at her usually friendly Cornwall neighbour.

“You wouldn’t put jam on a slice of bread, and then add the butter, would you?” she added, solving in her mind the argument once and for all.

As the day went on there were also reports of small skirmishes between Northerners and Southerners over the correct pronunciation of the word ‘scone’.

via ~ DailySpread

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Do fukc off you creepy pest.

You don't like "rejection" do you.

Thanks, hun.

“Lone wolf” wouldn’t be so alone if he wasn’t such a angry bellend​

A man who describes himself as a “lone wolf” wouldn’t be so alone if he wasn’t such a grump with piles, it’s emerged.​

Al Tayur, 66, lives alone, doesn’t have any close friends and tends to find himself flying solo in the pub. He has used this to declare himself a “lone wolf” or “omega man”.

“I’ve got my own things going on. I don’t need other people dragging me down,” he told us.

However, the fact of the matter is that Al’s just a massive angry bellend that no one can stand to be around for more than five minutes.

“He describes himself as a ‘free-thinker’ and a ‘straight-talker’. I think we all know what that means,” one of his colleagues told us.

Secretly, Al would love nothing more than to have a lot of friends. That’s why he started a support group for lonely people. Sadly, no one showed up.

via ~ DailyHowling

 

[SamBally]

 

[Moriarty]

USA Armed forces educational video circa 1943:-

Running from the pertinent time.

What happened to us?

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Victims of wokeness tell their harrowing stories​

Victims of ‘wokeness’ have bravely shared their accounts of the devastating effect it has had on their lives.

TRIGGER WARNING: Contains disturbing material.

Maw Reiawty, 68
I was sitting down for my tea the other day and put on the television only to see an advert for Morrisons with a Ukrainian family in it.
I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for Ukrainian people up to a point. Some of my best friends know immigrants. But at teatime?
This sickening diversity propaganda put me right off my potato waffles.

Noe Biddy, 58
My daughter, who’s not married yet, tells me she insists on being referred to as ‘Ms’. What’s wrong with ‘Miss’? These snowflakes probably want to ban Agatha Christie because it’s not ‘Ms Marple’. No one’s suggested that but I was so upset imagining it I had to sign off work for a fortnight. What really distresses me though is people putting preferred pronouns on social media. It’s ruined every normal person’s life.

Kriz Tohppfur, 63
After 25 years of wrestling with my conscience, I finally accepted the concept of the homosexuals. I had a breakthrough last week when I was able to utter the words ‘Larry Grayson’ without vomiting. But now they’re throwing these transgenders in our faces. It never ends. I mean, couldn’t they have waited, say, 40 years, just to give us a breather?

Have you been a victim of woke? Contact us at [email protected]

via ~ DailySnowflakes