The Strait-jacket Times

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Blathering Bumskull Boris Muzzled Up​

Johnson to be wheeled in front of select committee wearing strait jacket

Boris Johnson is to be wheeled in front of the select committee in a strait jacket on a gurney for the public’s safety.

To minimise the risk of him escaping and running the country again, the former prime minister will be transported to today’s PartyGate hearing immobilised in a heavily-armoured van.

Detective Inspector Laffin Lhotts said: “You’ve got to watch out with this one. He’s got a tendency to charm people even though they should know by now it’s self-serving bullshit. So we’ve muzzled him, too.

“Even otherwise intelligent people can be lured in by his crying eyes, lame jokes, dubious use of Latin and carefully mussed-up hair, then before they know it they’re the next victim of his deranged, Machiavellian master plan.

“Ideally his communication would be limited to one blink for yes, two blinks for no. Unfortunately he’s got to explain his 52-page defence dossier, so we’ll have to listen to endless waffling evasions about how he misled MPs unintentionally, even though it’s obvious he knew what he was doing.”

Johnson hissed: “They only need drop their guard for a second, then I’ll slip away and be back in Number 10 by this evening. I’d sauté Rishi’s brains but that requires effort so I’ll just dial out for a posh Chinese.”

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

BoJo the deranged clown pleads insanity​

Boris Johnson has indicated he plans to plead insanity in front of the Commons Privileges Committee today, after arriving to give evidence dressed as the deranged clown from a traumatised child’s nightmare.

Johnson is due to give evidence to the committee from 2pm, and arrived a short while ago in a clown’s outfit, replete with face make-up, tall hat, bow tie and oversized shoes.

A Conservative spokesperson told us, “Boris has been strategising all week, and when assessing his options, the inevitable conclusion is that he either didn’t understand his own rules – and therefore has to admit he was too stupid to be PM, or he thought he was above the rules – and therefore has to admit he was too arrogant to do the top job.

“It’s certainly a dilemma, and we were all stumped. But then a junior researcher asked if we had considered an ‘insanity plea’. Apparently they use it in a lot of American legal dramas, where people who are plainly guilty of breaking the law, plead insanity to avoid the worst consequences of their actions.

“Boris’ eyes lit up immediately, and he tasked about a dozen of us with finding a clown costume suitable for a man who is patently losing his mind. My job was to watch four hours of YouTube tutorials on clown make-up. The eyes are all me.”

About five million Conservative voters are set to believe to ruse, and immediately start seeing Boris as a sympathetic character in the whole narrative. This should come as no surprise given that if the Tories made their number one election pledge to ‘drown all puppies’, they’d still get five million votes.

TY@NT

 

[Kev45]

now celebrates that the former PM has been caught out lying.

You couldn’t make it up.

I do find it strange how ppl like Kay Burley can have the temerity to call for Boris’s head when they themselves are known to have broken lockdown rules.

As I said before however, replacing him would be a risky business.

I don’t see Boris being pushed out, and he certainly won’t jump. He’ll ride this out with minimal trouble I think.

When Boris having cake creates far more noise than either former Labour peer, Lord Ahmed of Rotherham being jailed for 5.5 years for child sex offences or Labour MP Barry Gardiner accepting £420,000 from a known Chinese spy.

Anyone would think all this Boris-bashing was to deflect attention from Beijing Barry.

The partygate media attack on Boris have missed a trick here! They should be going after him for treason! Oh. Hang on a minute, they’re in on that one. Back to partygate.

Those who’ve tried to bully Boris out of office, are nothing but liars and hypocrites.

Stand strong Boris.

Maybe Boris should put true Conservatives in place this time.

Ahhhh I see, your Labour folk are allowed to tell lies to the country, but Conservatives aren’t. I get it now.

in the past day the growing rage within the Conservative Party about the blatant bias of the Boris Bashing Corporation bubbled over live on air.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

@Kev45

 

[Kev45]

@ Kev45

View attachment 12322

A complete and utter ....... 10,000 + posts claiming that the entire world is involved in a COVID-19 conspiracy theory. Including the UK government led by Boris

While he defends Boris, repeatedly, over and over and over again.

 

[Kev45]

The facts were revealed well over two years ago. It was discussed on this forum, in depth. Repeatedly . While we condemned Boris for care home deaths and you defended him. Apparently because no one died in any homes that you knew of.

I can quote all that old pony next time, big shot.

This is what happens when alcohol consumes your life.

 

[Kev45]

Still making that stuff up?
I never defended anyone for the carehomes debacle. Tut tut Raymond.

Clearly I am "making it all up" quoting you word for word.

Go and have another drink, slurp.

It's all you are good for.

 

[Kev45]

And how many of those quotes are in date order?

I'll also be quoting your numerous claims that deaths in care homes were part of the "conspiracy" and 50% of vaccinated people will die of cardiac arrest in under two years, three years + ago.

You have that to look forward to, tomorrow, and I will rubbish all your statements that reveal the hysteria that has totally consumed your life.

 

[Kev45]

Not tonight.

Mr, the world has conspired against me.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]