The Strait-jacket Times

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

BOJO REX MENDAX CAPTUS TESTIBUS

As Cleistophanes of Pergamon said so well 'Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur'.


Here is an exclusive first look at six key points in the bombshell document compiled by Boris Johnson that exonerates him completely from the accusations of wrongdoing he acknowledged and took “full responsibility for” when he accepted his lockdown fines.

The points below represent the culmination of months of work from the team tasked with rehabilitating the former prime minister’s reputation, and we think you’ll agree they’ve done a sterling job.

1. There never was a party, and anyway, I wasn’t there, and when I was there, I was told it was fine, and I only broke the rules in a very limited and specific way. Boris Johnson is expected to bring back his key defence during the PartyGate scandals

2. The woke Remoaner blob made me do it. The former PM will attempt to harness the very latest developments in Tory blame deflections that were not as well refined when he resigned.

3. Admit it, you saucy minxes, you miss me. No other PM can ride a country this hard. Rishi’s just too clean and doesn’t know what you really want. Mr Johnson’s lawyers confirm he had crocodile clips on his nipples when he wrote this.

4. You can’t expect Boris to know right from wrong. He’s from a terribly broken home and watched his father cheat on, and savagely beat his mother. By the way, has the honours list got the all-clear yet?

5. The Parliamentary committee is hopelessly biased as it has Tory MPs, Labour MPs, former solicitors and people who don’t like being lied to on it. Mr Johnson has kindly offered to set up a new committee composed of Stanley Johnson, Rachel Johnson, Carrie Johnson and Jo Johnson.

6. As Cleistophanes of Pergamon said so well in the Laticratakon; Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur. It’s worth a shot. It’s distracted you idiots in the past.

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

BoJo and his band of deluded sycophants and simps​

Following his disastrous testimony in front of the Commons privileges committee, support for Boris Johnson has now fallen to the point that the only people publicly supporting him are the deluded sycophants and simps.

During last night’s Question Time, an audience which contained more people who voted for Boris in 2019 than any other political affiliation roundly refused to admit they still believed Boris, though many are still willing to deny that reality.

Boris fan Ray Cyst-Itis, 71, told us, “I love Boris, and I will go to my grave insisting he’s the best thing that ever happened to this country – which he is if you ignore all the horrific stuff that he did and that happened while he was prime minister.

“Just because a room full of people who voted for Boris at the last election now say they don’t believe him anymore doesn’t mean he’s lost the public’s trust. It’s much more likely they all decided to lie, and secretly still support him.

“The people I speak to regularly still love him as much as they did in 2019. Well, I say ‘speak to’; it’s more like ‘chat with’ in our ‘We love Boris completely and unconditionally’ Facebook group.”

Meanwhile, non-morons have welcomed the entertainment factor of watching Boris simps continuing to insist their hero still has a future in frontline politics.

Toow Hales, 36, told us, “Oh, he’s toast. Everyone knows it. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t amusing watching people trying to pretend he’s still got a shot at the top job.

“I’m sure it’s embarrassing for their loved ones watching them publicly debase themselves online like this in their unrelenting quest to promote Boris, but honestly, it takes all sorts. And it might be that being humiliated by better-informed strangers online is their kink. No judgement here.

“It will be especially funny when he loses his seat at the next election.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Why I pay far, far less tax than you mugs, by Rishi Sunak​

Confused as to why multi-millionaire Rishi Sunak pays proportionately less tax than you?

Here the prime minister explains why this actually makes total sense.

1: I’m the prime minister
Sure, it sounds impressive, but the job doesn’t pay that much. That’s why they sweeten the deal by throwing in all those workplace bonuses like a pokey old flat to live in and jollies to Ukraine. I’d be far better off being a hedge fund manager or married to a billionaire. And I should know because I’ve done both those things and made a packet in the process.

2: I have a US investment fund
This nice little earner is how I make most of my money. And because capital gains are lightly taxed, most of the dosh goes straight into my pocket. Frankly I’m surprised more people don’t give it a whirl! Overseas investments definitely pay better than a real job where you actually contribute to society, although don’t quote me on that because I’m not speaking from experience.

3: I know how to play the game
I’ve been in the money racket for decades. I cut my teeth at Goldman Sachs. So I’m bound to have picked up a few sneaky money-saving tips in the process. You’d use them yourselves if you were in a position to, so don’t be hypocrites by getting all angry at me. Hate the game, not the player. And that’s what I am – a player.

4: Tax is inherently f.ucked up
The pittance I’ve forked out over the years is the tip of the iceberg. HMRC will come down hard on a poor child minder who filed their tax return a day late, yet the likes of Google and Apple are free to get away with paying f.uck all. Why not focus on these mega-rich corporations instead of my small-fry tax, which doesn’t even make it into the millions?

5: I’m really, really rich
I pay less tax because I already have enough money in the bank to last several lifetimes. That makes no sense but it’s how the world works. Yes, I could easily adjust the rules to make taxes fairer for people barely making ends meet, but I won’t. I like to feel like a winner, and that’s not easy for me, apart from my impressive collection of over 20 replica lightsabre's.

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

I'm still going to vote for the far right because I'm an angry miserable bastard who thinks life should be awful​

Britain's far right has a proud history of making everything unbearable – both at home and abroad – so I’m not going to break with tradition by voting for a party that might make housing semi-affordable and nationalise energy.

It’d be unpatriotic.

And if I'm angry, whiney and miserable then so should everyone.

Instead, come 2024, I’ll put a tick in the box for whichever party promises to tank the country even further.

Maybe it’s because I grew up in the fifties, sixties and seventies.

My memories of strikes and no electricity are clouded with nostalgia instead of the crushing hardship it actually involved.

But I think it toughened me up.

It’s not true that I whine like a little baby if we have a power cut nowadays and I can’t chill my beer, whatever my ex wives says.

Young people now are so entitled that they want a pleasant, meaningful life.

But that’s not what it’s all about.

It’s supposed to be a bitter slog you drag yourself through.

The only highlights should be writing in the Mail Online comments section and the prospect of death.

So I’m voting Tory.

Or maybe UKIP, as that will have the double misery of being a wasted vote as well as a stupid one.

Bliss.

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

'April Fool!' shout desperate Tories​

‘‘The last 13 years were just a big prank!

We’re starting governing seriously from now on!’

The Conservatives have revealed that everything from David Cameron becoming prime minister onwards, including austerity, Brexit, Boris Johnson, the cost-of-living crisis and Liz Truss, were one long elaborate practical joke.

Rishi Sunak, with a grin pasted to his face, said: “Haha! We totally got you!

'You all thought we were serious!

“It’s been tough keeping a straight face all this time as we got more and more ridiculous.

We kept thinking, surely you’ll rumble us.

Surely they can’t keep thinking all this is for real.'

“But no, you were totally fooled and really believed the venerable Tory party, which has been running this country for more than 200 years, had become an absolute joke that cocked up everything it touched.

Well, the joke’s on you!

“Honestly, you should see your faces right now.

You really thought Theresa May and her Brexit strops were real?

Boris Johnson?

You honestly believed Liz Truss was someone who a serious country would put in charge?

Hilarious!

“Anyway, joke’s over now and none of the previous 13 years counts.

Please vote accordingly in the May elections.

Thank you.”

TY@TDM

 

[Dropship]

The great Brit public voted Johnson into No.10 because he pushed Brexit through, but then he botched up bigtime by not tackling the scrounging immigrant invasion, and not cancelling the HS2 white elephant.
Then when the going got tough he resigned like a wimp, huh !

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

BoJo's Britannia Brexit et onus pilosus testiculis

BUT...

How’s your own personal Brexit deal looking?

Break it down:

1: Taxes up
The Conservative government that brought you Brexit and hates high taxes regrets that, after 12 years of austerity, it’s going to raise taxes again. Because they’ve been saddled with a bad fiscal reputation by the markets due to some impulsive decisions in the past which were kind of your fault.

2: Public services cut
More than a decade of cuts weren’t enough. Levelling up and all that needy Boris Johnson crap’s over. Libaries are closing, schools are switching to four-day weeks, anyone in charge of regulating anything’s already f.ucked off. Please contact your local Tory MP if you see anything functioning so they can kill it.

3: NHS collapsing
Brexiters always knew the £350m on the bus was a lie, but not quite to this extent. Patients are stuck in hospitals, patients are dying in ambulance queues, nurses were on strike, foreign medics won’t come here and more cuts are coming. You have full sovereignty over your own health. Don’t get ill.

4: Bills through the roof
Inflation and energy bills are a problem everywhere but, like Covid, nowhere more than here. You’re facing up to years where the big treat will be putting the heating on. There could be blackouts. They happened immediately before joining Europe and is now happening straight after. Weird.

5: The pound’s worth bugger all
Unimpressed with our independence, the world has decided that the pound is worthless. As it can’t even buy you a quarter-pint of gassy lager in most pubs you kind of agree. Your holidays abroad cost a fortune, but to make up for it so do your holidays in Britain.

6: All the Brexiters have gone
All the Brexit zealots who howled us through years of anti-EU propaganda appear to have pissed off. Boris is holidaying between speeches, Farage the Nazi hosts phone-ins on low-budget telly, Coked Up Gove’s only in Cabinet for the alimony and that c.unt Rees-Mogg is still playing 'find the minima galli' with his European nanny. Why? Surely this was going to be brilliant?

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

‘You can’t say anything these days’ insists right wing man who says exactly what he thinks every single day​

A 66-year-old man from some deeply depressing hell hole in the UK has claimed that his right to free speech is being curtailed in a world overrun by ‘liberal woke lefties’, despite being perfectly comfortable expressing whatever opinion comes into his head, to anyone he like, at any time of his choosing.

Ray Cyst made the comment in response to a chorus of disapproval on his social media page, when he suggested that people who want to claim benefits should be neutered.

When he realised the post was being widely condemned and even his own niece felt compelled to comment and ask him to take it down, he angrily declared that “you can’t say anything these days”.

His niece, 23-year-old Sociology and Politics student Ivy-May Cyst said, “When I pointed out that he has just said whatever he likes openly and without any fear of persecution or serious consequences – which means his freedom of speech is entirely intact – he got even more pissed off.

“My uncle seems to think that people not liking what he has to say is the same as not being allowed to say it…. even though he does say it, and keeps saying it, to anyone who will listen. And to some of those who won’t.”

Ray’s next-door neighbour, Dave, agrees, “Ray keeps banging on about not having freedom of speech – but somehow we are all aware of his opinions on literally everything – from immigration and trans rights to Gregg’s vegan sausage rolls.

“For someone who supposedly can’t say anything these days, he sure does say an awful lot.”

TY@NT

 

[Dropship]

Meanwhile, covid has mutated into a new variant and is having another go at the human race-


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In fact I think I had it a couple of weeks ago and was bedridden for almost a week, slipping into and out of delirium dreaming I was in sick bay being fussed over by nurse Chapel til the fever broke..

My throat felt like it was on fire and gargling with TCP and sucking Strepsils were useless.
After recovering I nipped down Superdrug to buy some Ultra Chloraseptic, according to the net it contains the magic ingredient Benzocaine which numbs the throat, so now I'm ready if Arcturus makes a fresh assault..

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Gay man calls for conversion therapy to ‘cure’ Christianity​

One of the country’s leading LBGTQ supporters has called for the use of the controversial conversion therapy to try and ‘cure’ Christianity.

“Christianity is a fundamental danger to the well-being of society,” said Gee Zuss, 33, a gay anti-religion campaigner.

“To have a group of people so obsessed with what other people do with their genitals is frankly, very very weird.

“Now, yes, I accept that their Bible actually has very little to say about sexual behaviour, but Christianity seems to have moved so far away from those teachings that its primary reason to exist now appears to be making people angry about what other people do with their genitals.

“Can you imagine bringing up children in that sort of environment? It simply can’t be healthy.”

Mr Zuss went on to describe the nature of the conversion therapy.

“Well, we start gently by just showing the Christian some videos of people happily chatting normally and not being angry in any way about the sex that other people are having.

“Then we say words like 'trans', ‘homosexual,’ ‘oral,’ and ‘girl on girl costume-play,’ and the subject is taught ways not to spend the rest of the day unhealthily fixating on the topic.

“Finally, the subject goes out for a drink with a lesbian and gay, and if they make it through the evening without once thinking about the homosexual or lesbian engaging in acts with another homosexuals or lesbians, then they’re cured.

“We have a very high success rate, because no one is born Christian.”

Although the majority of the population is sceptical about the morality of so-called conversion therapy, if it’ll stop Christians endlessly banging on about homosexuals, lesbians, gays or trans, then people seem perfectly happy for it to be used.

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Right-wing Christians remind everyone of little-known Bible story where Jesus told refugees to ‘f'uck off back where you came from’​

The bible story, known in many far-right conservative bible study groups as ‘Jesus and the scrounging illegals’, is seen by many as a parable for the way we should treat those in need when they come looking with empty hands.

As Ray Cyst, 77, a member of the Christians United as Neighbourly Far-Right Tories told us, “Sure, the Bible has plenty of stuff about Jesus helping the poor, and people in need, and people who are suffering, but it’s also important to recognise that he did not like a scrounger.

“In the tale of the scrounging illegals, Jesus himself stops the refugees coming into town after stopping one of them who is wearing Adidas trainers and using an iPhone.

“That’s because Jesus knew when someone was taking the piss, and so he turned them around and sent them packing. And if it’s good enough for the Son of God, then it’s good enough for me.

“We have to stop the UK being a soft touch to illegal immigrants, and the Bible shows us the way.”

When it was pointed out to Cyst that France actually processes almost four times as many asylum claims as the UK, and that asylum-seekers get better benefits in France than they do here, he insisted it “wasn’t enough”.

He went on, “I don’t care if other countries are doing much more than we are to help asylum seekers, I care that we are doing anything at all.

“It’s time we listened to the lessons of the Bible and acted like good Christians, by sending them all back.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Concern that links to the Tory party could hurt Tories in upcoming elections​

As the local elections approach, there is a fear growing amongst Tories that links to the Tory party could hurt them in the upcoming elections.

“I mean, I think that most people recognise that the Tory party is completely f'ucking disgusting,” said Tory Mow Ron

“I’m seeing that come up on the doorstep all the time. It seems to me clear that I, as a Tory candidate, my main problem is going to be my links to the Tory party.

“I mean, they’re corrupt, they lie, cheat, they’re racist, cruel and lazy. The problem is that, as soon as people find out I’m running as a Tory, it’s going to be pretty clear that I have quite deep links with the Tory party, and that’s definitely going to hurt me.”

Many Tory candidates are coming up with increasingly imaginative methods to disassociate themselves from the Tory party.

“I’m just going to tell people I’m visiting the town on holiday,” said Tory candidate Ima Nutta

“I mean, on the one hand, they won’t know I’m a candidate in the local election, which will definitely affect my chances, but on the other hand, people won’t think I’m associated with the Tory party, which I think will really, really improve my chances.”

Interestingly, it doesn’t just seem to be Tory candidates whose association with the Tory Party is having a negative effect.

“I’m a Labour candidate,” said Kelly James.

“But people hear that I go to work in the Houses of Parliament, in the same place that many members of they Tory party work, and they assume that I’m a lying, cheating, two-faced prick as well.

“Just being near the Tory party is hurting everyone.”

It’s not even just candidates who are suffering from links to the Tory party. A man who does the bins at the local Tory party office was asked to leave his local pub as it was assumed he was fiddling with the fruit machines.

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Man checking ID at polling station treating the job like he’s working at Checkpoint Charlie​

An officious twat is revelling in checking the ID of all the young people coming to vote in the local elections, according to reports this morning.

Job Swurth, 65, has taken to stopping all young people outside the polling station in Little Arseworth with an outstretched arm and a demand to ‘see their papers’.

However, many young voters expressed their surprise that someone would take so much enjoyment from an attempt to prevent them from exercising their democratic right.

Si Williams, 21, told us, “I was too young to vote in the general election of 2019, so these local elections have been my introduction to the democratic process in this country.

“So far, I have to say I feel like I’m suspected of trying to sneak across the border in Cold War Germany, rather than deciding which councillor can influence my parents’ bin collection.

“I had expected some sort of warm glow from taking part in the age-old democratic process and having my voice heard as an equal to my peers – but actually, I feel like a fugitive who has managed to sneak past a fascist regime to freedom.

“I have a different haircut on my driving licence, and the old fella checking it must have looked at it, and back at me, and back at it, about a dozen times before he let me through to vote. I was starting to sweat, worried that actually, it was I who had made a mistake, and I wasn’t actually allowed to vote.

“I’d give it a 4 out of 10. Not sure I’d want to do it again.”

However, Job explained that the new process is much better now that everyone is being treated equally. “I’m just following orders,” he told us.

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Latest net migration figures give Nigel Farage his ‘best erection in years’​

Nigel Farage was left ‘immediately tumescent’ after the release of the net migration figures for last year.

With net migration up to over 600,000, Farage was left sporting what he’s referring to as a ‘mega-boner’, which was loudly applauded by Brexit supporters and GB News viewers everywhere.

As the news was released, Farage went around telling his followers “I told you. I told you. I told you. This will get me on every. TV. In. The. Country!” with every syllable met with a massive frog faced grin and grinding pelvic thrusts, allowing his elderly ball sack to bounce against his knees.

As one witness told us, “He’s so happy, he almost spilled his pint.

“He just told one GB News intern that if they can pretend there are rapists in that 600,000, he’ll cum in his pants.”

Medics are keen to assess Farage as long-term erections in men of his age are said to be dangerous, and because he likes to drink and smoke as much as he does.

Brexiters have welcomed the announcement, claiming it adds weight to their argument that we were right to leave the EU.

Brexiter Ray Cyst, told us, “These latest figures just prove that immigration is bad, and that taking back control back in 2016 was the right thing to do. So we took back control, and now almost seven years later it’s better.

“Because everything is better after Brexit. Well, apart from everything being worse.

“My head hurts.”

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Brexiter realises he was a dickhead​

A Brexiteer who voted for sovereignty and got spiralling inflation, a collapsing NHS and record immigration is wondering if he was the dickhead.

Ray Cyst voted to leave the EU in 2016 in the belief it would save Britain money, cut immigration and make everything better, but now cannot help noticing it has gone very much the other way.

He said: “Immigration’s at record levels. And that’s the legal kind, with the boats on top of that. And I very much remember voting to do something about that.

“For the first few years I blamed everything that was going so badly wrong, like Theresa May, on Remainers blocking Brexit. But there haven’t been any Remainers for years now, Brexit went through in its purest and most wonderful form, and it’s still sh**.

“We’ve got British jobs for British people to the extent I’m having to work two of the f.uckers, the NHS has gone right downhill, inflation’s through the roof, so’s my mortgage, and it’s beginning to feel like it might be my fault.

“All I did was take promises at face value. Was that so wrong? Maybe when the people making the promises were Johnson and Farage it kind of was.”

He added: “Really sorry everyone. Cards on the table, I f.ucked up. Okay, now I’ve admitted that, can we go back to how it was before? No harm done, right?”

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Future of the Mail Online in serious doubt following calls to ban ‘hate’ websites​

The future of the Mail Online has been thrown into doubt following calls to ban websites that promote hate and intolerance.

The online version of the Daily Wail could be closed down following an incident in the Cotswolds in which a Guardian reader of ‘questionable gender’ was snared in a beartrap.

Although no one group has admitted responsibility for the attack, anti-happiness organisation Christians Against Moral-Free Godless Sodomites have called for people to ‘take to the streets’ in the fight against things that don’t really affect them.

Speaking of areas with a high density of Guardian readers, anti-hate campaign spokesperson Uppi Tybassa warned that the streets could soon be running with hummus and a drizzle of balsamic vinegar unless something is done.

“There is a war coming, you mark my words,” he insisted.

“This war won’t be fought in some far-flung country thousands of miles away by our brave soldiers. It will be fought on the streets of Britain, by you and me.

“On one side, you’ll have people who are adamant that the cause of the current economic crisis is the fault of Thatcher and Reagan, Page 3 models, processed food and people with a slap-dash attitude to recycling.

“On the other, you’ll have people who insist that it’s down to immigration, homosexuals, homosexual immigrants, women in trousers, aggressive homosexuals, aggressive homosexual immigrants and aggressive transgender immigrants in EU trousers.

“Why can’t people just hate each other in peace?”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Six things idiotic and gullible Brexiters voted for and got the complete f.ucking opposite​

Did you vote for Brexit to stop immigration, only for immigration to go up?

Is that your fault? Well, yes, it is actually!

So what else has gone the opposite way to your intentions?

The NHS
There’s no more ardent backer of the NHS than you. Why, you were willing to sever all connections with our nearest neighbours, the world’s largest trading bloc, to give it an extra £350m a week. And what’s happened? The NHS is on its knees and the people you voted for are now saying it needs to be put down. And that £350 million, yeah, like all the rest of the sh.it the Tory Gov told you, it was all lies. Lies to line their pockets. But you gullible morons fell for them, hook, line and UK sinker.

Immigration
It was all the EU’s fault, wasn’t it? Except France, shorn of all responsibility for asylum seekers headed our way, now wishes them an insouciant ‘Bon voyage!’. More are arriving than ever before, and we haven’t even signed our free movement deal with India yet. It’s like a lesson in racism not paying off.

Trade
Sick of the EU holding us back, you unleashed buccaneering Britain to take on the world just like Boris Johnson said. The result? Businesses shutter weekly, thousands of hotels and pubs closing, supermarkets routinely have empty shelves, and apparently if we’re to even compete you need to lose all your employment rights.

Borders
We’ve added an extra one within the UK, between Britain and Northern Ireland, and we don’t even control that. The EU do. Oh and we’re struggling to check goods coming in, so enjoy your horse pie.

Jobs
Eastern Europeans are taking all the jobs, you muttered as a friendly Romanian waitress served you. They should be going to honest Brits. And now they’ve all f.uckked off, haven’t they? Restaurant service is sluggish at best, fruit’s rotting in trees and nurses are striking because of understaffing, because lazy, thick Brexit voting Brits didn’t want their crappy jobs.

Political representation
Why should unelected technocrats in Brussels make all the decisions? We didn’t vote for them. No. Nor did anyone vote for Theresa May, Liz Truss or Rishi Sunak, but those clueless pricks have been in charge for the majority of the time since 2016, haven’t they? And how’s that gone? By the way, the only ones making 'all the decisions', that was the UK Gov and not those technocrats in Brussels. See how it works?

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

There were no speed cameras and every kid had a knife: ​

A whiny Gammon explains how safe it was back in the day​

This country is a dangerous cesspit nowadays. You can barely walk down the street without something terrible happening. Not like it was in my youth, when Britain was a safer and better place.

When I was a lad we carried a knife with us at all times. There was no namby-pamby fussing that we might hurt ourselves, and we used them for whittling sticks, cutting fishing line and threatening kids from the next town. If you did accidentally slice your hand, you rubbed a dock leaf on it and crossed your fingers you didn’t get tetanus. Happy times.

Speed cameras weren’t invented. You could go as fast as you liked, because we didn’t have an authoritarian nanny state telling us how to drive our cars. Now I’m much more likely to crash because I have to keep looking at the speed limit signs all the time. OK, so the number of road deaths was around twenty times higher than it is now, but is that worse than not being allowed to choose how fast you go? Hard to say.

We didn’t have DNA testing either. No need. We were a tight knit bunch so everyone knew who the neighbourhood wrong ‘un was without fiddling around with science. If any kids went missing we’d all get together and attack the weird bloke on the street who wore glasses and lived with his mum. If we were wrong, no matter. He still deserved it for being a bit different. That’s what being part of a community is all about.

Anyway, the kids always turned up. They’d usually just been hanging around smoking super strength cigarettes, smashing bottles and climbing down wells at the derelict mill up the road. That’s how safe it was. It’s tragic that those halcyon days have gone for good.

TY@TDM