The Strait-jacket Times

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Anyone elected between 2016-2019 guilty as f.uck​

All leaders elected in Britain and the US between 2016-2019 are in deep legal s.hit, it has transpired.

Rule-breaking vandals Boris Johnson, Nicola Sturgeon and Donald Trump are all facing retribution for their hideous crimes, leading voters to wonder what the f.uck they were thinking during that specific period.

Political scientist Nathan Muir said: “2016 was a rough year, granted. Perhaps we were electorally deranged from losing so many beloved celebrities.

“But first there was Brexit, then known career criminal Trump became the world’s most powerful man, then unknown-but-probable career criminal Sturgeon, then just for a f.ucking laugh we elected that triple moron Boris.

“It’s been a cavalcade of imprisonments, resignations and botched elections ever since.

“It would appear that during a brief but significant period we gave ‘putting lying twats in charge’ a go, with predictable results.

We should avoid doing that again.”

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Unqualified far right internet moron transitions seamlessly from expertise in epidemiology and Russian geopolitics to climatology​

A moron who confidently told you Covid was a hoax and that it’s the West’s fault that Russia invaded Ukraine, has today told you that the upcoming heatwave is nothing to worry about.

65-year-old Ray Cyst has wasted no time in explaining to anyone who’ll listen, and interrupting the conversations of those who won’t, the reasons why a bit of warm weather is nothing to worry about.

He explained, “As I’ve been telling everyone since I read about it yesterday, meteorologically speaking, this warm spell is nothing to worry about in the very long-term history of our country. In the medieval warm period, it was generally warmer than now, but you don’t see records of our medieval ancestors bitching about the lack of air-conditioning, do you?

“And no, I don’t have any Tweets on the subject of the Medieval Warming Period before yesterday, but that doesn’t mean I can’t position myself as an expert on the matter who is able to speak with authority on this heatwave.

“It’s much like how I often lecture people on things like PCR test cycles, and ACE inhibitors despite having no medical qualifications, having conducted no medical research, and having no work experience in the field.

And how I can confidently blame NATO overreach for Putin’s ongoing liberation of Ukraine; I can do this simply because I read a couple of articles about these subjects in the last year. Articles written by another unqualified internet moron who lives in his parents basement. They are true!'

“I actually think one of my many strengths is my ability to absorb a tiny amount of information about a very large subject, and then feel confident enough to lecture people about it, in public.

“Dunning Kruger? Never heard of it mate, but if you come back tomorrow, I will confidently explain to you what it is, why your position on it is incorrect, and why I’ve always said that.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

“I’d still pick Boris over Starmer for prime minister” insists Tory voter helplessly watching Johnson shag his girlfriend​

Despite Partygate and a string of other high-profile scandals, including lying to Parliament, a new poll has discovered that Boris Johnson is still seen as the better choice for prime minister over opposition leader Keir Starmer by some hardcore moronic simpletons.

We approached local Tory voter Ray Cyst who seemed to confirm the findings of the poll.

Cyst told us, “Well, actually, Mr Johnson invited himself in earlier today and is currently having sex with my partner of three years upstairs as we speak.

“It’s certainly not ideal, but I can only imagine how much worse the country would look if Keir bloody Starmer had come into my house and seduced my Nikki.

“He’s too clinical in PMQ’s, very focused but no passion, whereas with Boris, you can really hear the difference, all that bluster and emotion… She’s having a great time!”

Asked if he was, in any way, put out by the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom having sex with his first-ever long-term girlfriend, Cyst replied, “I mean, he was very considerate about it, during foreplay, he kindly suggested I might want to get out of the house, take a drive, but with the price of petrol as it is…

“Between strokes, I did ask the former Prime Minister if there was anything he would if he got back into power to help us low-income earners, like a fuel cap or something, but he said it was solely dictated by market forces.

“Then he started laughing.”

At press time, it is understood the Prime Minister was seen rifling through Cysts’ wallet, excitedly mumbling something in Latin as he pocketed a £20 note.

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Total c.unt and lying arsehole to write bollocks in shitrag​

Boris 'The Lying Liar, King of Lies' Johnson is to compile lies for the Daily Mail.

The former lying politician is to use his special brand of fact-free verbosity to agitate the credulous morons who still buy the newspaper or believe what they read on the website.

Johnson is one of the biggest names in high-profile lying bullshit, and a bidding war was expected amongst all the god-awful media empires you are currently picturing – but the Daily Mail was victorious in securing his services.

A spokesperson for the Daily Mail told us, “Boris Johnson is the most high-profile liar in the country, and as such, he is perfect for us.

“We pride ourselves on our ability to disseminate mistruths and falsehoods, and we’re confident we are perfectly placed to bring Boris’s special brand of bullshit into every far right home in the country. Our far right, racist gammon readers are total morons and they will lap up every sodding lie the lying liar lies.

“Boris has been fired twice as a journalist for lying, and how he’s been kicked out of parliament for lying, but here at the Daily Mail, he can make up whatever nonsense he likes, and we’ll happily print it. There will be no sanctions for lying. In fact, he’ll be in trouble if he doesn’t start making stuff up to anger our readers and drive rage clicks to our website.”

Boris Johnson said, “I am delighted to join the Daily Mail family, and this is definitely the place I wanted to find myself working in the summer 2023.

“Rest assured, that is just the first of many lies I will tell in my new column.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Total c.unt and lying arsehole wakes from dream he was prime minister​

A journalist *cough cough* turning out inflammatory columns for a downmarket rag has woken from a dream where he was briefly prime minister.

The overweight, lazy, scruffy hack, who has done nothing but write ill-informed columns firing up racist idiots about bullshit his entire life, woke from a start at his desk from a wonderful fantasy where he led the whole country until it went horribly wrong.

Johnson, a former Daily Telegraph columnist who has now sunk to the depths of the Mail, said: “But it seemed so real.

“I was Mayor of London and got all the girls, then I discovered this magical thing called Brexit. What was it? Like an… amulet, or a glowing mineral or a spray aerosol that made everything perfect.

“Because I held The Brexit I became prime minister, and I was wise and good and loved throughout the land but then there was a plague, or something? And I was living with this blonde I used to work with who said she was Queen and kept turning up with new babies?

“Then I was at a party and I was naked, maybe, or had committed some social infraction and suddenly everyone hated me and I couldn’t find Brexit then I woke up here.

“Where I’ve always been. Churning out lying crap for gullible racist dickheads.”

''Snivel, snivel, whinge, whinge''.

* M.E.L.T.D.O.W.N *

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Day 464: 'Mad Nad Dorries' remains chained to Buckingham Palace railings clutching ‘Give me Dameship’ sign​

Today marks day 464 of Mad Nads’ extraordinary campaign to highlight the terrible injustice of her not being given a peerage over a year ago.

Her one-woman campaign to highlight the grotesque unfairness she suffered in not being made a Dame began in July ’23. After failing to receive a satisfactory answer to why she wasn’t made a peer and facing the full weight of an uncaring British Government and public, she stepped up her fight by chaining herself to the railings of Buckingham Palace.

She has remained there ever since, clutching a sign saying ‘Give me Dameship’ that she made using materials from WH Smith that were listed on her last Parliamentary expenses claim.

Interviewed shortly after her protest began, a tearful Dorries said, “I’m not just doing this for me, I’m doing this for all former Culture Ministers who were denied their rightful peerages for turning up to work for a couple of years. Can you pass me my bucket please, I need a wee.”

She now cuts a sad sight. Her bucket is long gone, and she is clearly malnourished, forced to survive on the crusts of tourists’ Pret sandwiches and any passing pigeon that comes too close.

She vows to fight on, though, in her noble battle to secure justice for Mad Nad's.

It is understood that her old ally and boss, the pervert and creep Johnson, has yet to visit her. He apparently tried to send her a supportive text last Autumn, but it accidentally went to the walking broomstick Jacob Reet-Smugg instead.

Writing in the snowflake rag 'Daily Wail', Mad Nads' continues to say her removal from the peerage section of Johnson the Liars' resignation honours list has been blocked by "sinister forces".

She then went on to open a fresh 'baggie' of meth.

''Ain't nuffin' like a dame''.

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Everything is proceeding exactly as I have foreseen, explains wise Brexit sage​

Seven years to the day after the country voted to leave the EU, and three and half years since it actually left, wise Brexiters have insisted everything is going exactly to plan.

As the nation ‘celebrates’ its seventh anniversary of voting to leave the EU, some Brexiters have reflected on the many successes it has brought the country so far.

Ray Cyst, a far right moron, staunch Brexiter and regular re-tweeter of Nigel Farage, Jacob Rees-Mogg and any other nazi he has a special love for, told us, “I will be cracking open the champagne this evening, as everything is going exactly as I predicted.

“Brexit has happened, and everything around us is wonderful. Just look around you; can’t you feel it?

“People have selective memories, but I vividly remember telling everyone just over seven years ago that the pound would fall, we’d have a stagnant economy, inflation would rise, we’d have the lowest growth in the G7 since leaving, major employers would be leaving the country, we’d be out of the single market, we’d be suffering shortages of seasonal workers, houses would be far less affordable, Northern Ireland would once again become a powder keg, Scotland would be on the verge of seceding from the Union, and we’d have a populist government gaslighting the nation into thinking this is what we wanted all along, or that its the fault of immigrants.

“Yes, I did; shut up.”

Friends of Cyst have explained that this type of behaviour is par for the course.

As one explained, “Once he makes up his mind, he never admits he was wrong, regardless of the evidence to the contrary – that’s just the way he is. He’s still insisting to anyone who’ll listen that Betamax is the high-fidelity format of the future.

“We’ve given up trying to convince him otherwise. He seems happy in his ignorance, and as long he gets his round in, the rest of us can probably live with it.”

TY@NT

 

[fonzie]

Blathering Bumskull Boris Muzzled Up​

Johnson to be wheeled in front of select committee wearing strait jacket

Boris Johnson is to be wheeled in front of the select committee in a strait jacket on a gurney for the public’s safety.

To minimise the risk of him escaping and running the country again, the former prime minister will be transported to today’s PartyGate hearing immobilised in a heavily-armoured van.

Detective Inspector Laffin Lhotts said: “You’ve got to watch out with this one. He’s got a tendency to charm people even though they should know by now it’s self-serving bullshit. So we’ve muzzled him, too.

“Even otherwise intelligent people can be lured in by his crying eyes, lame jokes, dubious use of Latin and carefully mussed-up hair, then before they know it they’re the next victim of his deranged, Machiavellian master plan.

“Ideally his communication would be limited to one blink for yes, two blinks for no. Unfortunately he’s got to explain his 52-page defence dossier, so we’ll have to listen to endless waffling evasions about how he misled MPs unintentionally, even though it’s obvious he knew what he was doing.”

Johnson hissed: “They only need drop their guard for a second, then I’ll slip away and be back in Number 10 by this evening. I’d sauté Rishi’s brains but that requires effort so I’ll just dial out for a posh Chinese.”

TY@TDM

I gather by your posts your not a lover of Boris jeez I'm clever lmfao

 

[Dropship]

Poor Boris tried to stop the boats but the bleeding-heart Labour mushbrains blocked him at every turn..

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

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GB Spews adds another self-important snowflake gobshite to their presenting roster​

Noisy clickbait racist television station GB Spews has added another opinion moron to their ever-changing roster of… well, ‘talent’ isn’t the word, but you know what we mean.

Zippy, who is best known for absolutely flipping out and spouting childish overreactions to minor inconveniences, is viewed by channel bosses as a ‘perfect fit’ for their editorial strategy.

He is expected to begin presenting his new early evening, primetime show next month – with a selection of hard-hitting features to include:

• Paint the whole world with a rainbow? That’s what *they* want. It’s just more woke madness!
• Hippos come from Rwanda, don’t they? British rivers are already full, so why shouldn’t George live there?
• God created Rod and Jane, not Rod, Jane *and* Freddy. What goes on in that household? Which toilet do they all use? It’s not natural!
• They’ve done up my zip! I’m being silenced!
• I’m fine with Bungle being a bear, I just don’t want his sexuality rubbed in my face.

GB Spews spokesman Ray Cyst-Omofohb told us, “The great thing about Zippy is he only has one hand, so is fifty per cent less likely to sexually harass another member of staff.

“I would say the fact he’s a muppet should make it impossible, but that’s what we thought about Darren Grimes.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

BREAKING!! It's not cancel culture when we do it!!

With presenters such as the thick mans thick man Lee '30p' Anderson, GB News is launching an innovative new campaign to attract advertisers with the promise of putting their brands in front of a growing but gullible audience, with the added bonus of a presenter-led boycott if they should ever choose to stop advertising on the channel.

With coffee maker Grind the latest to secure a public call for their cancellation by GB News presenters and viewers for having the temerity to stop advertising on the channel, executives have decided to make it a core part of their pitch.

Ray Cyst-Omofobe told us, “We can get your brand front and centre in front of thousands of credulous simpletons just waiting to be separated from their money. And as if that wasn’t enough, on top of that, if you ever choose to stop advertising with us, then we can make you go viral on social media as part of a present-led boycott of your brand.

“Your brand will have its own hashtag, and it will be shared widely by some of our most well-known presenters, such as
any desperate far right moron who wants to spew nazi rhetoric to the easily conned, uneducated and unwashed.

“We’re becoming a bit like the Scientologists of the media world. We are extremely welcoming on the way in, and we make it sound totally amazing to be part of our family.

“But leaving us? Absolutely not. That can not, and will not, EVER happen.

“We will destroy you before we let that happen.

“So, how much airtime would you like to buy?”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Soft-touch immigration controls mean British autumn under threat from Indian summer, insists GB News​

The Indian summer being experienced by parts of the UK is threatening the far more deserving British autumn, according to GB News resident far right racist, Nigel Farage.

The former UKIP leader, full on c.unt and far right presenter on the tv channel for easily angered simpletons, morons and UKKK f.uckers expressed concern that the unseasonably high temperatures of the Indian summer were set to erode the traditional pastimes of the season, wreaking widespread pleasure amongst natives of its adopted home.

Farage told viewers, “We here at GB News are fully aware the British autumn often turns things brown, but despite this, we still support its right to work as a traditional indigenous British season.

“This foreign-sounding summer has quite brazenly landed on the British Isles, probably by small boat, and all thanks to our soft-touch immigration controls. This is entirely the predictable outcome of open borders.

“The UK is clearly a soft touch – you don’t hear of British Autumn encroaching on Indian Spring-time, do you?

“The last thing we want is for this Indian summer to get the sort of welcome that gives hope to the tens of thousands of refugees making their way across Europe.”

GB News viewer Thyke Hoe has been left confused by the channel’s stance, admitting to being conflicted about the impact of the Indian summer.

She explained, “It’s foreign-sounding, but it has allowed me to have my breakfast on the patio in a pair of shorts, and get all my washing dry in a single morning – so I just don’t know what to think?

“How can something that’s named after a place full of brown people be so bloody pleasant?

“It doesn’t make any sense and now my brain hurts. I don’t like it. If I wanted to “think” about things I wouldn’t be watching to GB News.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Some things that have lost the interest of the media:
Boris Johnson’s phone
Charlotte Owen
Michelle Mone
Dido Harding
PPE scandal
The Russia report
Dan Wootten

I suspect we will hear more about:
Dangerous dogs
Small boats
Immigrants
Corbyn
Greedy pensioners
Benefit scroungers
China and fake spies
EU Flags and the Proms
Escaped prisoners

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Self-proclaimed ‘asylum expert’ insists that owning a mobile phone means your life is already perfect​

Asylum seekers with mobile phones were obviously doing plenty well enough where they were, according to a racist bloke in the pub last night.

The bitter, lying, GB News watching, low IQ drinker who claims to know all about these things, said anyone with a mobile phone has nothing to fear from persecution in their homeland, and they had clearly been living the life of riley before they headed in our direction.

As he explained to anyone who would listen, and plenty who wouldn’t, “I saw this one guy on the news with a mobile phone talking to someone, probably a servant back in his palace in Syria, explaining the best way to get into Europe. Eh?

“It looked like an iPhone – what sort of destitute refugee has an iPhone, eh?”

“Clearly an iPhone is the sort of thing you acquire once everything else in your life is sorted. Once you have a home, food, job, safety – then you consider getting an iPhone. Eh?”

“So it’s perfectly reasonable to assume these iPhone-using refugees clearly aren’t refugees at all. Just people looking to go on benefits here because they think we’re a soft touch. Eh?”

He then went on to explain why personal technology of any sort should disqualify someone from claiming refugee status.

He concluded, “Look, at the end of the day, if they’ve got a better phone than me, then they don’t deserve any help. Obviously. Eh?”
TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

7 Bins Sunak to set fire to a big pile of tyres in effort to appease climate critics​

Bin Man Sunak will today announce plans to set fire to a big pile of tyres in what appears to be a major turnaround in the government’s environment policy.

“It is important to balance the ambition for a clean environment with the fact that people are being really mean to me on X (Twitter),” explained a weeping and slobbering Rishi Bins.

“So, to demonstrate that we sympathise with the people who think climate change is a load of hippy old nonsense, we’ll be setting fire to a great big pile of tyres.”

The Telegraph and Daily Mail readers approved of the plans.

“Jolly good show,” reads an opinion piece from this morning’s edition

This bally conservation nonsense is a load of trendy tosh. We’re Britain, we won two World Wars and sent Napoleon packing, if we want to fill the air with a load of poisonous black smoke then we bally well will. Splendid policy. Well done Mr Bins. Not bad for a ''foreigner''.

The big pile of tyres will be assembled on Parliament Square over the coming days with plans for 7 Bins to set it alight at the end of the week.

Various climate sceptics like Allison Pearson, Jacob Rees-Mogg, and Darren Grimes will be invited to strip down to their pants and dance around the conflagration to add to the spectacle.

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

The Cabinet Office has published data on Rishi Sunak's private and RAF jet hire.

In three months, they spent £650,271.28.

So much for austerity.



TY@ PJ and CO

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Schadenfreude.

Priceless!

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Double glazing!

And, as the right wingers would have you believe

''It’s called autumn, snowflakes!''

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]