Has Boris finally played his last card?

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

If the latest reports are true, that Boris celebrated his birthday with 30 other people, that's him done.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

 

[SamBally]

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Weary public braces for “I didn’t know it was my birthday party”​

The public is gearing up for Boris Johnson’s inevitable denials of his own birthday party.

Reports today suggest that the Prime Minister had an indoor birthday party on June 19th, 2020, with around thirty guests and surprisingly few prostitutes.

Downing Street has categorically denied the claims.

“There were LOADS of prostitutes, haha no I’m joking. Please don’t put that.

“I’ve been advised to inform you that these claims are categorically false, that the guestlist for this party is not readily available if you check the PM’s diary, and that a delicious, three-tier chocolate cake was definitely not served.

“The Prime Minister will be making his own statement shortly – and fucking BRACE YOURSELF because it’s going to be exactly what you think it’s going to be.”

Citizen, Hayley Rice, said, “He’s just going to go right ahead and do it, isn’t he?

“He’s going to claim he didn’t know it was his own birthday party, the perfidious whopper-spewing bastard.

“He’s going to do that stuttering haystack routine, mumble an apology and then deny ever having a birthday ever.

“If only that were true. Dad might still be alive.”

via ~DailyWorraDick

 

[SamBally]

Downing Street parties: Met police launch investigation into alleged lockdown rule breaking – live updates​

That beacon of British policing The Met. As always a year or so behind actual events. We salute you, Cressida Dick.

 

[Saphire]

His card is getting flakier by the day.

 

[breakwake_]

Its Boris, he won't resign and his mates in his party will support him else they might lose out on some important valuable contracts and peerages. He's more likely to invade Ukraine and give the weapons contracts to his mates, he won't resign and his party won't make him if theres more chances of dodgy dealings. They'll simply threaten those that pose a risk to him and ignore everything else.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Jail him! Jail him now.

Johnson the sleazy liar. The death dealer. Jail him.

Jail Johnson!

 

[breakwake_]

I think you are getting confused. Boris is not the leader of the Labour Party.

Now I'm confused.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

How to order an inquiry into your own behaviour when you're in the s.hit​

Accused of holding parties, Islamophobia or murder?

Simply order an inquiry into it then say you can’t discuss it because of the inquiry.

This is how:

Identify the problem
A traitorous colleague has leaked a photo of you at a boozy work event with your wife and child in the garden, an MP has gone running to the press about discrimination, or some bastard bleating about embezzlement on a massive scale. Either way, they need to shut the f**k up. Order an inquiry immediately.

Choose your investigator
There are independent inquiries, and then there are inquiries run by people who you know intimately, who work for you, and who are happy to agree the results in advance. Get one of these useful idiots doing your legwork. It might ruin their reputation, but so what? This is about you.

Stonewall
Now you’ve got a tame little inquiry going, you have an impregnable shield. Questions in the Commons? Inquiry. Fresh allegations surface? Inquiry. Footage released of you giving a White Power salute at a lynching calling for race war? You do not wish to prejudice the inquiry by commenting.

Pre-empt the results
Everyone else needs to wait for the results of the inquiry, not you. In the very week it’s due start talking about how delighted the British people will be to see you cleared by the Who-f**ked-the-Nanny-gate inquiry you yourself ordered, and that you will now focus on what really matters. Subliminally preparing people for a whitewash.

Rewrite the results
Sometimes little people who believe in facts turn up odds and ends that are politically inconvenient, like dead bodies in the Downing Street garden or another pregnancy. Either redact those bits, do a draft of the report yourself or only release a summary. It’s your f**king inquiry. You can do it however you want.

Move on
The inquiry’s over so move on. It’s sad that spad o.d on coke but move on. You regret employing Nazis but move on. Why are these vindictive press still on about the inquiry? It was released yesterday, for God’s sake. It’s drawn a line under the whole affair. Everyone needs to move on.

via ~ DailyFunnierByTheMinute

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

'The idea that Boris Johnson can be credited for the covid vaccines is preposterous.

The guy struggles to put on a bloody mask!' -KC

 

[SamBally]

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

"My dad had the bleakest funeral you can imagine. There was no celebration of who he was, no hugs, no parties and certainly no cake.” Susie Crozier-Flintham outside Tory HQ today.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

'It’s not a trivial matter about cakes.

It’s about whether those who made the rules obey the rules.

It’s about whether they partied while people died.

It’s about whether our government lies and breaks the law.

That ain’t trivial.' - DS

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

UK ‘Cake Ambush’ threat level raised to ‘severe’​

The Government has this morning raised the Cake Ambush threat level to ‘severe’, meaning the chances of being ambushed by a Birthday cake or other seasonally baked goods is highly likely.

With news this week that our own Prime Minister was himself a victim of a ‘lone sponge’ style attack, people have been asking themselves whether or not any of us are safe from marauding delicacies.

Police have advised concerned members of the public to avoid having Birthdays where possible, as this significantly increases the incident risk, according to research.

Maureen Williams, 75, from Kent became a victim while she was hoovering the roof of her rural cottage, telling us, “It came out of nowhere, a Battenberg right in the face, I nearly fell off the roof.

“You just don’t think it will happen to you, until it does.”

Experts are unsure exactly how many baked confections have indeed been radicalized, but they have been quick to blame the increase in Birthday cake ambushes on the success of shows like ‘Great British bake off’.

Bake Off presenter Paul Hollywood’s whereabouts are currently unknown, however it is thought he has moved into a complex network of caves somewhere in Cheshire. He was unavailable for comment and has yet to claim responsibility.

via~DailyHsubma