Far-right snowflake meltdown, in 3, 2, 1...

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

SNOWFLAKE MELTDOWN AS IT HAPPENS​

Government insists forthcoming emergency alert test already 100% successful in identifying nation’s gullible simpletons.​

Sunday’s emergency mobile phone alert test has already proven completely successful in identifying the sort of gullible simpleton who can be easily tricked into thinking that it will trigger some sort of pathogen or mind-control agent.

Despite some valid criticism of the test – such as domestic abuse sufferers worried about the discovery of secret phones – thousands of borderline morons have decided that the only possible explanation for the government to push a message to your phone is that they want you to be under their complete control for nefarious reasons, like the MCUs Winter Soldier.

‘Free-thinker and complete moron’ Ray Cyst told us, “I don’t understand how phones work, or the radio frequencies on which they operate, or the mechanics of how it will control us, but I am absolutely convinced this emergency test is designed to make everyone ill, or a zombie, all at once.

“No, I don’t know why they’d want to do that, but they do. I’d show you the YouTube video explaining how it will happen, but they keep taking it down because the government is frightened of people seeing it.

“Trust me; you need to bury your phone in the garden until Sunday night. It’s the only way to keep yourself safe. Of course, if no one becomes a killing machine controlled by number 10 on Sunday, then their plan will have failed, and they will have to try again.

“But I, and thousands like me, will be ready.”

Non-moron Knotta Knutta told us, “I don’t know. If I had created a mind-control agent, I’m not sure I’d go to the trouble of putting it in a vaccine that thousands of people won’t take, and then require a mobile phone message that thousands won’t listen to, in order to activate it.

“I’d probably just put it in the water supply or something. Why overcomplicate it? I’ve never understood why these conspiracy theorists always assume the people running the conspiracy are as dumb as they are?”

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Six European city breaks you'll regret going on, by a snowflake gammon​

Planning a city break but unsure which exciting European destination to choose?

Gammon, nationalist, Britain First member and all round thicko Ray Cyst, 68, offers an 'impartial' guide:

Paris
City of light? City of dog shite, more like. Crawling with snooty French who can speak English perfectly well but refuse to. And their much-vaunted cuisine is basically garlic with everything. The Eiffel Tower’s nicked from Blackpool, and you’ll spend two days sat in f'ucking traffic at Dover because they selfishly won’t waive the Brexit paperwork.

Amsterdam
Knee-deep in druggies, tarts, and d'ickheads on bikes. Built on swamp so it’s full of canals you’re always on the wrong f'ucking side of, and their cheese has less flavour than ours. Expect to come back with a drug addiction from secondary inhalation and a nasty dose of the clap.

Barcelona
Claims to be one of the most beautiful cities in the world, which is how they distract you while nicking your wallet. Their cathedral wasn’t finished when I first visited in 1984 and won’t be when I die which tells you something about their work ethic. And they don’t even speak Spanish. It’s like Spain’s Cardiff.

Venice
Fine if getting a boat to cross the street is your idea of fun. Stinks in summer, too many churches, wildly overpriced, swarming with US tourists too fat for their shorts. Utterly pointless flying all that way when you could just order a Domino’s and eat it out of the box by the local canal.

Athens
Overcrowded capital of a country so bone idle they crashed their economy trying to get out of paying taxes. The so-called cradle of civilisation and you can’t even flush loo roll without flooding the bathroom with turds and p'iss. All their old s'hit has fallen down, not like our castles, and the local tipple’s an aniseed-flavoured spirit that’s like Gaviscon for alcoholics.

Krakow
Why the actual f'uck would you? Freezing bloody cold, they jail you for having a beer on the street, and it’s next on Putin’s hit list. Tourist attractions include the oh-so cheery Schindler’s Factory, and a salt mine where they actively encourage you to lick the bloody walls. There’s a Polski Sklep down the road. Fill your basket there and stay home.

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

With the May elections kicking off, self-identification’ suddenly okay now that Tory councillors and MPs are desperate to identify as anything except Tories

Hundreds of Tory councillors and MPs on social media have removed any mention of the Conservatives from their profile. descriptions and images, even changing their entire colour schemes in the hope of identifying simply as “non-partisan” politicians.

Critics have pointed out that after a over a decade of repeated failures, the Tories have been left with no option but to fight the next election on a culture war platform, which includes denying the self-identification of the trans community; but now Tory councillors and MPs seem to think it’s okay to change who you are in the eyes of the world.

Howe Sen-Sybll, told us, “You can’t deny political reality; if you joined the Tories, campaigned as a Tory and then fought an election as a Tory, you can’t suddenly start the transition away from being a Tory a year ahead of the election.

“Councillors and MPs can’t go around in a blue rosette one minute, then claim to be non-partisan the next. That’s now how self-identification works.

“Sure, if they genuinely don’t want to be Tories any more, and want to transition away from their elected status, then that’s fine. There are many transitions available to them, and they will get plenty of support along the way from allies in their new communities. But it’s their behaviour that counts, not the colour of the rosette.

“Everyone can choose how they want to live their life, but they can’t pretend they’re not Tories while still walking, talking and voting like a Tory.

“Not if they don’t want to be called massive hypocrites at every turn.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

It is always a right wing, republican nutcase who would action something like this.

The fact the right wing goes into a total meltdown with a need to behave in this way is hilarious.

They are such snowflakes.

look what this fella did. seriously, look at it LOL

Indiana Republican Ryan Webb comes out as lesbian woman of colour​

Republican Ryan Webb may look like a typical straight white male, but he wants the voters of Delaware County, Indiana, to know that he identifies as a lesbian woman of colour.

The county councilman ruffled some feathers after announcing last month on Facebook that he has “decided to come out and finally feel comfortable announcing my true authentic self,” even though he hasn’t changed his appearance or conservative views in any way.

“It is with great relief that I announce to everyone that I identify as a woman and not just any woman but as a woman of colour as well,” he said in the April 12 post. “I guess this would make me gay/lesbian as well, since I am attracted to women.”

Indeed, Mr. Webb said he is happily married to his wife Brandy Webb, with whom he has six children.

“I am continuing to retain my preferred pronouns of he/him, and I am married to my beautiful wife Brandy,” Mr. Webb said Monday on Fox News Channel’s “Jesse Watters Primetime.” “She’s running for the Muncie City Council in tomorrow’s election.”

He added: “That makes me a lesbian because I’m completely in love with her even though I identify as a woman. We have six children together. So I think that more than qualifies.”

Technically, Mr. Webb said he identifies as a Native American woman of colour, adding that he is “very proud” of his Cherokee heritage on both sides of his family.

In his Facebook post, he said that “I’m excited to bring some diversity to the county council. Until today we didn’t have any females of colour or LGBTQIAPC+++ on the council. I’m glad that now we do!”

Mr. Webb, who faces re-election in 2024, said he wants to “pave the way for anyone else who wants to identify as anything that they choose.”


OMFG, hahahahahahahahah + ha his right wing meltdown is beautiful

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

How to spot a former Tory voter who'd prefer someone more fascist​

Many people won’t be voting Conservative again today.

You agree with their decision, until it emerges that they’re only annoyed with the Tories for not being right-wing enough.

Here are the warning signs.

At first they sound totally reasonable
They’ll say things like: ‘The Tories haven’t done anything for ordinary people.’ And you think: ‘Yes, levelling up was bollocks and public services desperately need investment.’ But actually they mean the Tories should have brought back hanging, cut all benefits to £0 a week and deported anyone who isn’t ‘Brilliant White’ on the Dulux colour chart.

You’ll praise them prematurely for changing their minds
It takes a big man, or woman, to admit they were wrong. As you prepare to applaud their humility, you’ll discover they don’t regret voting Conservative, just that the Tories haven’t got an effective leader like, say, Adolf Hitler.

They haven’t voted Labour or Lib Dem instead
Rather unfairly, voters use local elections to register disapproval of parties at a national level. So when a former Tory confirms they’ve voted differently this time, it’s easy to assume they’ve opted for Labour or the Lib Dems. They won’t have. They’ll have voted for the most right-wing candidate on the voting form, whether it’s Reform UK, Britain First or a lone nutter claiming to be ‘The Anti-Woke Common Sense and Rights for Whites Only Party’.

Wait for immigration to come up
It won’t take long. About five seconds after they’ve said the government needs to sort out the immigration system, they’ll be ranting about how the Royal Navy should sink dinghies coming to Dover with torpedoes and machine gun the survivors in the water. It’s all totally ridiculous and mental, but at least they’ve cleared up any confusion.

They still f'ucking adore Brexit
If a former Tory says ‘Brexit is a total mess they don’t mean Brexit was a bad idea – they mean our negotiators didn’t magically ‘get a good deal’ (they can’t explain what that is) and make all the Brexit promises come true. In their eyes Brexit is only a complete f'ucking disaster because of the EU, Guardian readers and the Devil in human form, Gary Lineker.

Don’t expect any form of consistency
They’ll say they don’t like Rishi Sunak because he’s rich. If you point out that, while not in the same league, Boris Johnson was rich, as are most Tory MPs, they’ll rapidly get bored with applying logic. Eventually they’ll admit they just want a leader who hates Muslims and sends in the riot police to beat hippyish woke protesters unconscious.

They don’t give a sh** about actual Tory incompetence
Examples of Tory incompetence abound – f'uck-ups like PPE procurement during Covid; Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng’s economic lunacy; or Britain’s polluting water companies, Boris stealing millions and BP and its £50 billon in three month profit margin, people dying of the cold, children starving, all which prove they can’t or won’t regulate to solve a relatively simple problem.

However the former Tory voter’s definition of incompetence is: ‘There’s a benefits family on my daughter’s street who bought their son a new pair of trainers. Why aren’t they stopping that?’

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Alt-right supporters keen to distance themselves from Dallas shooter who shared every single one of their beliefs​

Commentators and personalities with right-wing views on immigration, nationalism and ‘woke ideology’ have been quick to distance themselves from the Allen, Dallas shooter, who appears to have believed absolutely everything they have ever said.

Mauricio Garcia shot and killed eight people before the police shot him, and officials report the shooter had a number of Nazi-related tattoos, wore a badge related to the right-wing proud boys, and had a social media account filled with content from people like right-wing podcaster, Tim Pool.

However, many leading right-wing personalities have been quick to insist that the things they say have no effect on the people who hear them.

One such personality agreed to speak to us on the promise of anonymity – so we’ll call him Bligel Garage – told us, “Yes, there does appear to be some superficial agreement in the sort of things we say and what this shooter believed.

“We both talk about the invasion of our native countries by, we both talk about the threat to our nation’s identities, we both believe woke ideology is a cancer, and we both loudly proclaim that something must be done while invoking violent rhetoric.

“But I’ve not shot anyone, so that makes us completely different.

“Anyone who suggests this guy was inspired by people like me simply because he agreed with every position I’ve ever taken, and because he decided violence was the only way to address the extremists hordes trying to take over our countries is absolutely nothing to do with me.”

Non-morons have however recognised that words matter, and that increasingly visible public figures demonising and dehumanising large groups of people because of their colour or religion will definitely encourage violent extremists to take matters into their own hands.

Maybe, just maybe, we’ll finally accept that extremist terrorists can also be radicalised white people who’ve been manipulated by the far-right into hating immigrants.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

The Archbishop of Canterbury should stop telling everyone what Jesus said about the vulnerable, insist Tory Christians trying to convince themselves Jesus revelled in demonising the vulnerable​

What Jesus did or did not say about vulnerable people is entirely irrelevant, according to Tories today who hate the way the Archbishop of Canterbury has held a mirror up to their values.

As Justin Welby criticised the immigration Bill for its clear anti-Christian values, many Conservative commentators have reacted precisely the way you would expect real Christians to act when someone shows their position to be thoroughly anti-Christian – by trying to crucify the messenger.

Tory backbencher Ray Cyst told us, “Justin Welby needs to shut up about our attempts to deport asylum seekers even before we’ve processed their claims by pretending that merely arriving to claim asylum is ‘illegal’.

“He needs to shut up now. How we treat these people is a thread we really shouldn’t pick at. If we look any more closely at what Jesus said about healing the sick, feeding the poor and helping the vulnerable, then we’ll be left with no choice but to admit we are the bad guys.

“And no one wants that, certainly not me, so it’s much better just to tell Welby to keep his woke mouth shut. Because if his mouth is shut, then I don’t have to listen to him, and then I can’t hear the logical points he makes criticising my position, which makes my brain go a bit hurty.

“And I will do anything to avoid my brain being a bit hurty.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

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Millwall ‘firm’ offer to represent post-Brexit Britain at Eurovision with ‘No-one Likes Us and We Don’t Care’​

The horde of ‘performers’ have offered to take the to stage en-mass and sing the song to the tune of Rod Stewart’s We Are Sailing live on television to reinforce the UK’s current position in Europe.​

A spokesperson for the band told us, “Though there are essentially only four lines, we think the lyrics truly speak to a post-Brexit continent with a message of hope from these wonderful isles of ours:

“No one likes us, no one likes us
“No one likes us, we don’t care!
“We are Brexit, super Brexit
“We are Brexit, from Britain!

“The only possible reason we won’t win the whole thing is if the European political elite chooses to try and punish us for showing them how ridiculous the EU actually is.

“Brexit will be an incredible success for Britain, and just like this song, it is full of positives – if you’re British.

“Anyone who says differently is lying and probably just wants to see Eurovision won by a transvestite rock band singing a lullaby in a language absolutely no one important speaks.

“Is it any wonder we wanted to leave?”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

GB News presenter Mark Dolan made to smoke an entire packet of cigarettes by his angry parents​

Mark Dolan is nursing a sore throat and a terrible cough today after being made to smoke an entire packet of cigarettes by his parents after they watched his attempt to look cool in front of his friends on television.

Dolan decided to smoke a cigarette live on air in protest against rules that don’t exist from a party that isn’t in charge of anything.

Mr Dolan Snr told us, “His mother and I are so ashamed. Firstly by his job on GB News, which is bad enough, but now he’s taken to smoking live on air to ‘own the Libs’. Jesus. We won’t be able to show our faces around the village for months after this.”

After sitting his son down in the garden with a full packet of cigarettes, Dolan Snr told his sheepish-looking son, “Oh, you want to develop any number of various lung diseases, do you? Fine, let’s get started right now. You’re not moving until every one of these is smoked down the nub. Let’s see how cool it is to own the Libs after that. Crack on boy!”

Dolan Snr then explained how Mark had always been something of a problem child.

He went on, “He’s always been a bit of a show-off, acting up in front of his mates, but honestly, we thought that sort of thing would stop once he got into his 40s and had kids of his own. He’ll be fifty next year, but he still insists on using his television appearances to behave like a pre-pubescent child who doesn’t know any better.

TY@NT



“We’ve started telling people our son is a bailiff responsible for throwing people out of their homes. It’s far less embarrassing than the truth.”

 

[Kev45]

Dolan decided to smoke a cigarette live on air in protest against rules that don’t exist from a party that isn’t in charge of anything.

I was reading this just now, and I had no idea who this guy is, I still don't know.... who on earth is he lol. In all his recent pictures online, he looks like he has put his hair on backwards in a rush. He doesn't even smoke, apparently, and so I am completely missing the point he was trying to make.

I suppose that there is a genuine debate to be had about the importance (or not) of preventative health care, smoking, heavy drinking, diet, cardiovascular fitness etc, (in relation to the NHS) but WTF was his point other than 19th century libertarian bourgeois twaddle about the so-called freedom and rights of the individual and which has no place whatsoever in the 21st century.

It's also no coincidence that the tobacco barons have now turned their attention on the impoverished 3rd world to deal their toxic poison.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

I was reading this just now, and I had no idea who this guy is, I still don't know.... who on earth is he lol. In all his recent pictures online, he looks like he has put his hair on backwards in a rush. He doesn't even smoke, apparently, and so I am completely missing the point he was trying to make.

I suppose that there is a genuine debate to be had about the importance (or not) of preventative health care, smoking, heavy drinking, diet, cardiovascular fitness etc, (in relation to the NHS) but WTF was his point other than 19th century libertarian bourgeois twaddle about the so-called freedom and rights of the individual and which has no place whatsoever in the 21st century.

It's also no coincidence that the tobacco barons have now turned their attention on the impoverished 3rd world to deal their toxic poison.

Yeah, these right wing or far right f'uckers, inhaling killer toxins to 'annoy the lefties'! Man, when his GP tells him he has lung cancer, that sure annoyed them huh!?! WTAF LOL I'm still loling about it as I type. How, what? LOL *SMFH*

'Thicko's United' every single moronic one of them. GBN has lowered the bar on 'news', way way way down low!

They aren't the brightest of the bunch, the viewers, although they believe they are, and the smug c'unts running it, and reporting, are laughing at every single one of them.

Americanisation is complete.

Hilarious!

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Trigger warning: It ends in nicotine.

A deep and meaningful far-right Tory gammon slavering from '30p Lee' a thicko MP.

''Woke, Woke, Woke, Lefty Snowflake, Cancel Culture, Woke'', says '30p Lee' Anderson​

“Woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, snowflake, lefties, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke,” fumed Conservative party deputy '30p Lee' Anderson.

“Woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, lefties, snowflake, snowflake, snowflake, cancel culture,” he barked.

“Snowflake! Snowflake! Woke! Woke, woke, woke, woke. Cancel Culture. Cancel Culture. Woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, lefties, woke!

“Cancel Culture! Woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, Cancel Culture, snowflake. Lefties Snowflake? Woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke,” he continued, getting increasingly angry.

“WOKE! WOKE! WOKE! WOKE! WOKE! WOKE! Cancel Culture.

“Cancel Culture? Woke. Lefties, Cancel Culture? SNOWFLAKE. SNOWFLAKE. SNOWFLAKE? SNOWFLAKE. Woke,” standing up and banging his flabby unused thighs with his fists.

“Woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, lefties, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, lefties, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, woke, lefties, woke, Cancel Culture,” he continued, his face becoming gammon red as his fury increases.

“CANCEL CULTURE! CANCEL CULTURE! CANCEL CULTURE! LEFTIES WOKE! SNOWFLAKE! WOKE! CANCEL CULTURE!” Now just screaming, his voice hoarse.

“CANCEL CULTURE! WOKE! SNOWFLAKE!”

Finally, his ire spent, he ejaculates dust, then slumps down and smiles, exhaustedly.

“Cancel Culture, woke, lefty snowflake.” he grunts, before asking Mad Mark Dolan for a cigarette.

TY@NT

so good the 1st time it had to be repeated.

 

[xI_Gem_Ix]

Lineker has the right to say whatever the hell he wants.
Unless he is contractually obliged not to.

If the BBC has in place opinion or disclosure rules within its contracts then I find that a lot more worrying than some asshat spouting his opinion.

Totally agree.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Dominic Raab stepping down as MP to spend more time on his bullying​

The former Secretary of Justice will not be seeking re-election after this parliament, explaining that he wishes to step back from politics and focus on his true calling of abusing and intimidating people whose position makes it impossible for them to fight back.

He went on, “I’m proud to have been in government and helped to never deliver the will of the people, albeit in a slightly shouty and violent manner.

“But I now wish to practise my bullying skills in the City. I think it is high time I shout for 20 minutes at an underling in a bank or something. I can bring to the table my vast experience of entering a childish rage because complex issues were not presented in a manner simple enough that they can be grasped by a bone-idle loudmouth promoted way beyond his abilities.”

Raab also said he wanted to develop his ability to scream insults and use them in the community at large.

“It’s not just about the big companies. There is so much small-scale bullying that I could do simply by going out onto the high street. I could go to my local coffee shop to quickly order a ludicrously complex drink and then wildly overreact if the teenager behind the counter puts the cookie crumbles after the vanilla cinnamon powder. Or I could get rat-arsed and give a condescending lecture to a homeless man in the hope he shoves me so I can beat him up.

“Opportunities are everywhere if you know where to look.

Like that cat napping on the steps over there.

Got a lighter?”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Nigel 'Nazi' Farage spending 79th anniversary of D-Day reminiscing about the time he addressed a far-right rally filled with Nazis in Germany​

Today, British citizens across the country will be remembering the D-Day landings on their 79th anniversary. Remembering the men and women who gave up their lives to defend the UK against Nazi invasion.

Much to the embarrassment and disgrace of the UK, but entirely within his character, the useless moronic c.unt called Nigel 'Nazi' Farage spoke at a German Nazi rally for far-right political party AfD just a few short years ago.

The ex MEP, former leader of the Brexit Nazi Party and current chuntering Nazi moron-herder, will be marking the solemn occasion by getting all misty-eyed about the time he was given a heroes welcome for enthusiastically addressing the Nazi far-right rally in Germany back in 2017.

Nazi Nigel, who was privately educated, a former 'bankrupt' stockbroker, self declared millionaire man-of-the-people and proven liar, spoke in front of Nazi members and Nazi activists at the event staged by the Nazi Alternative for Germany party, which was held inside a literal Nazi fortress in Berlin.

The Nazi AfD party has stated that Germany should take pride in its soldiers that served in the Second World War, and has dubbed the Holocaust Memorial in Berlin a “monument of shame” that shouldn’t exist.

Farage, who is currently shouting Nazi slogans at brown people in dinghies, was invited to speak at the event by MEP and Nazi, Beatrix von Storch, the granddaughter of Hitler’s Nazi finance minister.

Von Storch, has previously called for the use of lethal force against illegal immigrants, even in the case of women and children – whereas Nigel 'Nazi' Farage was happy to join her on stage after realising he had only stood in front of a poster of refugees to give the false impression that the nation is about to be overrun by ‘lots of the brown ones’.

Farage, whose wife is German and another Nazi, received a standing ovation at the event from Nazis.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

New Black Mirror episode to depict a brilliant world where far-right c.unts and their far-right c.unting moronic followers lose elections​

The latest offering from the ground breaking series has once again garnered praise for a detailed portrayal of an alternative reality where decent people were somehow in charge and lying narcissistic far-right sociopaths floundered in obscurity.

The episode, called Instant Karma, follows the by-election drubbing of populist politician and moronic c.unt Ray Cyst in a parallel universe where an educated and moderate electorate instantly recognises and dismisses s.hit-stirring charlatans and c.unts.

Si Will.i.am.s, who runs a popular TV review website, was one of many to praise the tale of a minor politician trying to stoke controversy about immigration who then faces grassroots and media rejection of his divisive platform.

He explained, “It’s just how they thought the whole thing through. Right down to that scene where Ivor does an interview where he tried to make a false link between crime and immigration. Then the news editors gave him one chance to retract before blackballing him from the TV network.

“Can you imagine if that were real? What would our politics look like if the press just simply refused to broadcast things they knew were barefaced lies? Charlie Brooker has such an amazing imagination.”

But some scenes were criticised for their lack of realism. A charge Mr Will.i.am.s accepts.

“The final bit on election day in the pub where a desperate Ray tries to rile people up so he could get press coverage was a bit suspect. It’s an interesting idea for them to immediately see what he is up to and to calmly explain their personal desire for a tolerant multicultural society.

“I know Schrödinger hypothesised that there was an infinite number of universes where our smallest actions lead to different consequences – but there is no possible plane of reality where people who are in the pub on a Thursday morning are not hate-filled c.unting cretins.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Income tax increase may be necessary to fund sending asylum seekers to icy moon of Saturn​

The c.unts that are the UK government have admitted that an increase in income tax may be required in order to fund plans to send asylum seekers to an icy moon that orbits Saturn.

“Economically, these are difficult times for many, many reasons that aren’t Brexit,” said a minister and total c.unt, probably Robert Jenrick; it’s usual Robert 'the C.unt' Jenrick who has to go out and defend whatever mad old bollocks needs defending on a given day.

“As such, in order to fund sending asylum seekers and refugees to an icy moon orbiting Saturn, we may all have to contribute a little more.”

The scheme, dreamt up by cabinet c.unts because they couldn’t be bothered to do any work that would actually benefit the country, is expected to cost something in the region of a billion-squillion-quentipillion pounds.

“We would expect to see something like 20,000% – %50,000 increase to income tax. I know this seems like a lot, but remember, if you hire an incredibly expensive legal team, they should be able to find various ways for you to weasel out of paying your fair share.”

Probably Robert C.unty Jenrick also addressed concerns surrounding the scheme.

“As to people saying this scheme is unnecessarily cruel, I would remind them that the moon in question has an average temperature of -89 degrees, so these people will be in no danger of ever catching fire. Something that most people on this planet cannot say with any degree of certainty.

“Also, I would say to critics, if you are against this scheme, then you must be for the criminal gangs organising the small boat crossings, and you probably want to marry them.”

It is expected that the plan will never take effect because that would involve this government having to do some work, and it will likely be replaced with a new plan on Monday to shrink asylum seekers down to microscopic size like in that Rick Moranis film.

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Let’s just make Sir David Attenborough Prime Minister and get on with our lives​

With everyone increasingly tired of far right charlatans making their living in parliament, the British electorate has suggested a novel solution.

Growing ever more sick and tired of right-wing, lying career politicians and outrageous media manipulation on a daily basis, the population of the United Kingdom have suggested that national treasure and trustworthy legend Sir David Attenborough be put in charge of running the country.

British voter and convenient mouthpiece Tooway Ells, who started the ‘Make David Attenborough PM’ movement after awaking to find parliament once again full of braying morons ignoring the plight of their constituents, told us, “This is an incredibly straightforward solution to the absolute mess that is right-wing British politics today.

“Sir David has seen the world, knows pretty much everything there is to know about anything you need to know about, and has the best interests of the whole world, let alone the United Kingdom, at heart.

“In terms of his cabinet, I propose Stephen Fry as home secretary, Martin Lewis as Chancellor, Dame Judi Dench as foreign secretary, James O'Brien as culture secretary and Marcus Rashford as secretary of state for education.

“That will be a good starting line-up to the most successful, trustworthy and downright loveable government in history.

“Christ, they could make any number of mistakes, and no one would care. Sir David would just explain how they were going to make things better, and we’d all immediately feel better about everything.”

With the majority of the public throwing their weight behind the plan, mandatory background checks are being undertaken on future rulers to ensure none have ever engaged in anything naughtier than running through a field of wheat.

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Media begin search for new far right nutter to turn into a household name​

The UK media are actively seeking a new braying, far right idiot to feature over-prominently in news and current affairs programmes.

With Ukrap, BNiPples, Tummy Rubbingson, Nigel Fartage totally spent, broadcasters agreed the time is right to promote some other ‘colourful’ jingoistic uneducated maniac, perhaps starting out as an ironic joke as a panellist on HIGNFY.

Within weeks, it is hoped the far right moron will be making fortnightly appearances on Question Time.

Fanny Hairybush, head of BBC News said: “We desperately want some far-right, racist, white, male and obnoxiously over-entitled.

“Ultimately, we need a smaller-than-life character who expresses the true spirit of England – someone who makes Fartage look like Ken Loach. Please get in touch.”

PS: Laurence Pox is a total headcase wanker and he should not apply, signed 'Everyone'.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Man who regularly comments ‘Go woke go broke’ seemingly unaware he’s a penniless racist bigot.​

After the less-than-stellar box office performance of Disney film ‘Lightyear’, which featured a same-sex kiss, and the drop in sales of Bud Light for employing a transgender brand ambassador, Ray Cyst-Omofobe has been quick to take to social media commenting “Go Woke go broke” without noticing that he hasn’t been rewarded financially for his life as a fascist bigot.

Sources claim that Omofobe, variously a bit racist and misogynistic with frequent outbursts of homophobia, is often broke despite not being ‘woke’.

When pressed on whether his extremely off-putting online persona spilled over to real life when in job interviews, Omofobe replied, “’Correlation doesn’t mean causality’ – that’s another one I like to roll out when someone claims climate change is linked with there being approximately 1.4 billion combustion engine cars on earth.

“I usually mute the comments after I say it though, as I don’t really understand most of the replies.”

Expanding on what he thought passed the threshold of ‘woke’ in media, Omofobe replied: “Women. Mostly.

“They’re everywhere now… Talking, cc’d in emails, driving cars, it’s terrifying – one was even Dr Who, they got rid of her – thank the heavens – but there’s something about this new guy playing Dr Who I don’t like either, I can’t quite put my finger on it.”

Expanding on his issues with women in films, Omofobe claimed it was an issue of realism.

He went on, “In Die Hard 2, John McClane once had a fistfight on the wing of a moving jumbo jet against a squad of treacherous marines; he was thrown off the plane but was able to ignite the plane’s fuel with a cigarette lighter.

“It was practically a documentary on the nature of modern aviation and the chemical structure of aviation fuel.

“These modern action films with women though… Am I really to believe that a female’s bicep is powerful enough to lift a gun, much less shoot it? Honestly, I’ve emailed my bank details to several Nigerian princes who were more believable.”

At press time, Omofobe was reporting a crisis of identity, telling friends, “I’m still broke, thus clearly still too woke.

“From now on, I will be nailing my colours to the mast – anyone opposing refugee Rwanda flights is a woke lefty who should be hung, anyone suggesting any degree of accountability for Boris Johnson or Elon Musk is a woke lefty who should be hung.”

Omofobe added, “Look, any chance I could borrow a tenner?”
TY@NT