Doom-scrolling addiction is real

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

DOOM-SCROLLING: ''DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!''

Chancellor announces cuts to happiness, empathy and kindness​

Slower-than-expected economic growth and poor tax receipts have meant Jeremy Hunt has announced scathing cuts to happiness, empathy and kindness during last weeks Spring Budget.

Leading economist Sen Sybeel said, “With previous budgets savagely cutting health, education and welfare, it was only a matter of time before the Government turned its attention to abstract concepts like happiness.”

Mr Sybeel warned that the cuts could lead to nationwide shortages of things that make us feel joy and compassion – cute cat videos, cream cakes, lie-ins and DIY SOS.

“Obviously, rationing feelings that define the human experience isn’t ideal, but it’s quite possible to lead a normal & productive life being just selfish, cruel and mean. Ask any Tory MP.”

“It’s not all doom and gloom though,” insisted Mr Sybeel.

“Although the pound’s value may have fallen in the last few years, and inflation has further reduced its value to your pocket, the kilometre-to-mile exchange rate has remained remarkably robust.

“In addition, the amount being borrowed by the UK will be much lower than expected. Although, in fairness, that’s because no one will loan us any money any more.

“Finally, the chancellor’s proposed Idiot Tax is expected to add billions to the UK’s coffers. The tax, which will only target people stupid enough to pay it, will affect about 17.4 million people.

“It’ll be a real money spinner for the Government, as long as the demand to pay it is written on the side of a bus.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

DOOM-SCROLLING: IT JUST GETS WHORSE WURMUR.


Three years after Covid was first reported in 2020 reports are emerging today of a Covid-denying vaccine sceptic who is swallowing handfuls of horse dewormer that he ordered on the Internet to ward off a disease he doesn’t even think is that serious and to prove everyone wrong.

Ray Cyst-Itis, 62, living in a friends basement and holder of no GCSEs, insists that his consumption of Ivermectin will protect him from any and all problems associated with Covid, if they even exist at all.

He told us, “Yes, I take Ivermectin, in the very specific form developed for horses because that’s all I could get on the Internet – but it’s basically the same thing. I swallow it down with my first can of Special Brew every morning, and at night.

“I take it because I think it’s important we all treat the claims of the NHS with a healthy dose of scepticism, whether that claim is ‘Covid is potentially deadly and we should take steps to protect ourselves’ or whether they’re trying to tell us ‘don’t take horse dewormer as it doesn’t work and could make you seriously ill’. They’re almost certainly lying about both claims.

“I probably wouldn’t have even considered Ivermectin as a treatment until they told me specifically it doesn’t work.

“I don’t care what they say about Ivermectin as a treatment for Covid, I’ve had no side effects whatsoever, except for the explosive diarrhoea that seems to strike without any notice at random points throughout the day.

“But if loudly and uncontrollably shitting myself in the pasta aisle of Tesco is the price I have to pay to defy a tyrannical NHS, then so be it.”

A neighbour of Cyst-Itis told us that they hoped he would spend more time inside, particularly as some joker on Twitter had recently convinced him that the cure for explosive diarrhoea is to take even more Ivermectin.