Your sex problems solved

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Your sex problems solved, by a man who hasn't had a shag in years​

Problems in the bedroom?

Here is advice from involuntary celibate Tom Logan who’s in a far worse situation than you.

Dear Tom,
I find it difficult to bring my girlfriend to orgasm. She says it doesn’t matter, but she’s clearly frustrated.
Pete, London

Tom replies:
You think that’s frustration? It’s four years since I had sex. Count yourself lucky you’re not seriously considering grab-a-granny night or starting to fancy your cat.

Dear Tom,
My boyfriend watches a lot of internet porn and I’m sure it’s affecting his sex drive. What should I do?
Lucy, Nantwich

Tom replies:
Dunno. Can he send me some links? I’ve spent so long w4nking I’ve seen every video on Pornhub. Even the weird CGI ones of elves with freakishly large tits.

Dear Tom,
I love my girlfriend deeply, but I’ve always been attracted to certain men and I might be gay.
Steve, Leicester

Tom replies:
Cry me a fcuking river. Apparently gay blokes have pick-up bars where anyone can get laid. I’m getting so desperate I might try it. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, right?

Dear Tom,
My boyfriend can’t become aroused without fetish costumes and spanking. How do I tell him I’m not comfortable with it?
Lianne, Glasgow

Tom replies:
Try to keep things in perspective, Lianne. These days I’d have sex with someone dressed as Blakey from On the Buses with a broom handle up my arse if it meant getting my leg over.

Dear Tom,
I’m highly sexed but my girlfriend is only interested in the missionary position once a month. Should I find someone more compatible?
Carl, Ipswich

Tom replies:
Hark at you with your red-hot monthly sex with an actual woman. Stop moaning and be glad you’ve never abased yourself with a permanently surprised sex doll.

via - Daily Tossoff