Won't be sheltering from Eunice

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Five contrarian storm sceptics who won't be sheltering from Eunice​

monster croissant attacks sea front

Staying indoors to avoid a dangerous storm is an idea most people will agree with.

Here are five tiresome contrarians who will go out of their way to be different.

Laurence Fox
Actor turned professional moron Laurence Fox will argue that sheltering from 100mph winds is an unproven way of staying safe in a storm. Anyone cowering in their house will be the subject of his scorn as he arrogantly strides across the South West coast, until he gets whisked into the stratosphere never to be seen again. The celebrations will last a month.

Novak Djokovic
Flying in all the way from Serbia to make his point, tennis ace Djokovic will be detained at Newquay airport. After promptly getting deported he will explain that people should respect his right to expose his body to the worst storm in 30 years, before distancing himself from the ‘anti-sheltering movement’ as he’s belatedly realised they’re nuts.

Neil Oliver
You remember Neil Oliver – he was the hirsute presenter on Coast from 2005 to 2010. More recently he’s popped up on GB News to deliver rambling, nonsensical monologues on everything from Covid vaccines to Brexit. Expect a monotone diatribe claiming not making your kids play amid the falling branches is like putting them in solitary confinement.

A Mumsnet user
Mumsnet user RowlingIsRight (47) will turn Storm Eustice into yet another passive-aggressive game of one-upmanship as she drags her DD, DS and useless DH out for a bracing coastal walk. After all, children won’t remember a day stuck indoors watching TV, but a terrifying yomp through life-threatening gales will ‘make memories’ forever.

Your dad
Not one to be fooled by unelected so-called weather ‘experts’, your dad will instead get his advice from Talkradio and the more aggressive members of the BBC Question Time audience. Even when next door’s trampoline smashes through the living room window he’ll maintain that going for a stroll is safer than staying indoors.

via ~ daily Blow(job)

 

[SamBally]

Apparently, they are not happy female names are being used for storms now.


PC gone mad they are saying.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Apparently, they are not happy female names are being used for storms now.


PC gone mad they are saying.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Stay away from cliff edges during the storm,​

warns TV reporter standing just feet from a cliff edge​

A field reporter for a TV channel has urged viewers not to even consider going to dangerous locations like the one from which they are currently reporting.

With the Met Office issuing a rare ‘Red’ weather warning for wind across much of southern England today, news channels are doing their best to encourage the public to stay safe at home, by putting their reporters onto beaches, high rooftops, cliff edges and up cranes.

“Under no circumstances venture outside your house!” bellowed Simone Williams, a field reporter for Sky News, just inches away from the edge of a battered clifftop in Devon.

“And certainly do not go to the coastline, where gusts exceeding 70mph are likely and WHOAAAAA-”

The feed then quickly cut back to the studio, where one of the stunned presenters said, “Er, that last glimpse we had of her disappearing over the edge of that two hundred foot cliff should serve as a reminder to under no circumstances venture outside.

“I’m sure she’ll be fine.

“She needs to be, as we’re sending her out to cover tornado season in America later this year.”

via ~ DailyAlwaysOne

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Don't go and take photos of the sea for f.uck's sake: Storm advice for dickheads​

Britain braced for the storm of the century, the Met Office is offering clear advice to dickheads who’ll ignore it:

Don’t take photos of big waves
More specifically, don’t go to coastal locations famous for big waves during a red-warning storm and try to get a picture of yourself almost being hit by one. It’s as safe as going down the M6 and trying to get a photo of yourself almost being hit by a speeding HGV.

Don’t stand under a tree
Easily avoidable at any time, and standing under a big old rotting tree could prove fatal today. Yes, it probably won’t, but what are you missing out on if you don’t? The thrill of looking up and seeing branches? Can that not wait until Sunday?

Don’t go for a moorland drive
Feel like you’re losing out on the storm of the century by staying in and watching it through the windows? Got a bad case of extreme weather FOMO? Don’t pack the family into the Vauxhall Corsa and go motoring on Dartmoor. You won’t enjoy that flask of tea upside-down in a ditch.

Don’t walk a high-sided dog over a bridge
Let the hound sh** in the garden today. Don’t fool yourself that just because you’ve put a Hi-Viz jacket on your Old English Sheepdog to make it look like Boris Johnson it’s safe to walk it over the nearest suspension bridge. You could end up flying it like a kite.

Don’t attempt to fix power cuts yourself
If power lines have been brought down, resist the temptation to connect the ends together so you can carry on binge-watching Reacher. It actually isn’t as simple as connecting the two sparking ends together. 13,800 volts won’t care that you’re wearing rubber wellies.

Don’t piss into it
Urinate indoors where possible, and it’s always possible. If venturing outside for some knobhead reason, don’t unsheath your member and defiantly urinate into the very teeth of Eunice while screaming ‘You’re not the boss of me!’ The consequences will be predictable, unpleasant and fully deserved.