Water

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

They're your turds, say water companies​

Britain's water companies have hit back at criticism by pointing out that the turds clogging the rivers and seas all came from your arses.

Water UK, representing nine water and sewage companies who paid out £1.4bn in dividends last year, suggested outraged Britons should perhaps trace the problem back up the sewage pipes to their very own U-bends.

A spokesman said: “Do you think we’re shipping these turds in from China? No. This sewage is 100 per cent domestic.

“Which means that floater you’re so disgusted to see bobbing past your face in the sea at Weymouth came from a bottom not so different from your own.

“You sit there, hypocritically moaning about rivers of untreated human waste, then you’re straight off to the toilet to make the problem worse. Where do you think your sh** goes when you flush? Fairyland?

“This is an entirely arse-made problem, with literally tens of millions of them shipping a bowel movement per day, and you’re blaming us for it? If you all just shat in a carrier bag or a hole in the garden for a week this problem would be over like that.”

The spokesman added: “We’ve completely eliminated the scourge of wild swimming, and do we get any credit for that? No. It’s just blame, blame, blame.”

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

To prove how clean UK water is, despite the billions of turds, piss, condoms, used tampons and other really healthy s'hit floating in our rivers and sea, a Tory MP is this close to eating bowl of sewage live on breakfast TV


A Conservative MP is teetering on the brink of gulping down a bowl of raw sewage live on TV, it has emerged.

Martin Bishop, a useless c'unt if there ever was one, hopes to prove a point about Britain’s water quality being fine, the younger generation’s lack of fortitude or some other bullshit thing, and has even brought his own spoon.

Despite nobody suggesting it, Bishop said he would eat a bowl of mixed turds collected from the studio’s toilets if necessary, and then began looking around for the show’s producer.

Speaking live on TV, Bishop said: “If you want turtles and coral, go to the Bahamas. This is Britain and we’re proud of our brown, foamy tide.

“People need to stop being squeamish snowflakes. There’s nothing wrong with a couple of turds in the water. Look at me. I’ve swallowed more than my share of brown trout and I’m perfectly fine and normal. I’m a fit and healthy Brexiteer who firmly believes the Blob wants to turn me into a transsexual.

“Above all I have to dogmatically prove privatisation has been a huge success and water companies aren’t just taking the piss. If I have to chow down on human excrement, that’s just the free market working effectively.”

He added: “I’m not just saying all this. If I rock up at the beach and it doesn’t look like an explosion in a Porta Potty I won’t even get out of the car. Luckily there’s always the next toxic cove to float about in like a big, pale whale.

“Where’s that bowl of s'hit? I’m hungry.”

TY@TDM