Trolley-for-Lolly work programme

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Government to ‘encourage’ wheelchair users to work as shopping trolleys


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Wheelchairs users could replace shopping trolleys as part of a new government Trolley-for-Lolly work programme designed to get the disabled back into the workforce.

More than a million disabled people face losing their meagre benefits under new cuts as the government attempts to lift disabled claimants out of benefits and under the wheels of a bus.

The Minister Against Disabled People, MP Ima Toetul-Kunt, said, “The cuts will ensure that disabled people who need the most help, such as those with large inheritances, 6 bedroom property portfolios, off shore bank accounts and anyone who shops at Waitrose are properly targeted.

“The Trolley-for-Lolly scheme will restore dignity to wheelchair users, amputees, stroke survivors, the blind and potentially provide an extra pair of arms to shoppers. If they have the use of their arms that is. If not, sack them. Bloody scroungers!''

The Department for Work and Pensions have pointed to a wealth of fact-free evidence detailing the gratitude that non-existent claimants feel, for illustrative purposes only.

“John from Melchester was delighted when we removed his £73.02 a week benefits because it gave him the motivation he needed to turn his life around,” insisted a spokesperson.

“Within a fortnight he’d regained his eyesight, secured a heart transplant and was handed a very generous two-figure salary working in adventuring.

“He also does space exploring with a team of fashion models on weekends.

“It’s all about thinking positively.”

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Don’t look at the wheelchairs, look at the benefit scroungers sat in them, insists government

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The government has explained that people should look beyond the disabilities of disabled people to focus on how much they might be claiming in benefits.

The revised focus on what disabled people take, rather than give, is part of what the government has described as “compassionate conservatism”.

Ahead of this week’s autumn statement, the prime minister has laid the groundwork for cuts to the benefits to the disabled and those with long-term illnesses.

“Thanks to the policies of this government, people no longer see a wheelchair, a walking stick or someone with one of those funny big shoes,” he said.

“They now see the person in the wheelchair for what they are – a freeloading workshy layabout sponger with a Joey Deacon haircut.”

Ministers went on to insist that the Conservative Party was a party for everyone.

“Whether you are from the north or the south, of Kensington, if you are in the black and you are white we will back you,” he said.

Responding to criticism that he is a posh boy who is out-of-touch and that the Conservatives are a party of the rich and privileged, Mr Sunak told reporters, “Of course I understand the struggles that people with disabilities face on a daily basis and I sympathise with those struggles.

“Just the other day my dishwasher broke down.

“But as an act of compassion I gave her the night off and told her she could finish it in the morning.

“It’s compassionate conservatism.”
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The disabled are just one more benefit cut from having sufficient incentive to walk again.

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Wheelchair-bound benefit claimants have said the looming cuts to their benefits could be just what they need to get back on their feet.

After the Chancellor hinted at benefit cuts for the seriously ill and the disabled, one man claims the cuts are just what he needs.

Simon Williams, who is confined to a wheelchair, said that he has been struggling by on his disability benefits, but is confident that reducing that amount he has to live on will finally bring back the use of his legs.

He explained, “Like most people, I had previously relied on the word of doctors and surgeons who told me I won’t be able to walk – or do a job that involves walking – ever again.

“But what do experts know? They’re part of the establishment elite, obviously.

“Thankfully this government has realised that the only thing holding me back from a full rewarding life was having too much money in my pocket.

“As they explained, nothing helps an irreparably damaged spine fix itself quite like wondering how on earth you’re going to pay the gas bill.”

The Chancellor explained that it wasn’t just the disabled who were being incentivised by new government measures affecting their income.

He told us, “We’re also offering similar incentives to the rich and people who run businesses.

“Of course, the incentive for disabled people is less money, whereas the incentive for rich people is more more money through increasingly generous tax arrangements – but it all makes perfect sense to us, obviously.”

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