The Easter Story?: and some

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

THE EASTER STORY?: PART ONE​

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The second coming of Jesus dismissed by Christians after he arrives by small boat​

''Even Pontius Pilot didn't accuse me of being in a grooming gang made up of terrorists."

The much-heralded second coming of Jesus has been dismissed by Christians after the Lord’s son and saviour had the temerity to arrive on England’s south coast in a small boat.

Speaking to reporters shortly after his detention by a mob of self-proclaimed “Christian Patriots”, Jesus told us, “I basically arrived by donkey last time, so I genuinely thought a rubber dinghy with a Honda outboard motor was a quite a nice upgrade – BOY was I wrong.

“I thought the innkeepers in Bethlehem were a pretty bigoted bunch, but you should have heard the so-called Christians patrolling the beach I arrived on.

“I opened my arms to receive them warmly, but they all told me to get back in the boat and go back to where I came from. They were really quite aggressive about it. Even Pontius Pilot didn’t accuse me of being in a grooming gang made up of terrorists.”

Beach-patrolling patriot, Ray Cyst, 78, told us, “No, I’m not having it. If he really WAS Jesus, then he wouldn’t need to enter the country illegally; he’d just magic up a passport and come by Eurostar.

“Or maybe he’d announce his arrival in France, or Spain when he first reached Europe. There is absolutely no need for him to get in a small boat and come here illegally just to fulfil a long-held Christian prophecy.”

Jesus continued, “Apparently I don’t “look like a Jesus”, and not having any ID counts against me, but I think that’s all thanks to two thousand years of artistic licence giving you a false impression of what a Middle Eastern Jew actually looks like.

“You know what? Sod this, I’m going back home to hang out with Prince and Bowie. I’ll try you lot again in another couple of thousand years; if you haven’t evolved yourselves into oblivion by then.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

THE EASTER STORY?: PART TWO​

Good? I’ve had better Fridays, admits Jesus​

Jesus has claimed that whilst he has no problem with people celebrating Good Friday, maybe they would consider renaming it to something more appropriate.

Speaking through one of his earthly representatives, Jesus said, “As Fridays go, the particular one you’re enjoying today wasn’t actually one of my best.

“It wasn’t even in my top couple of dozen, if I’m honest, but if you want to go around calling it the ‘Good’ Friday, then I guess that’s fine. Your call.”

Jesus then went on to recount alternative Fridays he’d enjoyed that might be more deserving of the title ‘Good’.

He explained, “I actually remember this one Friday where me and the boys went down to the beach on the Sea of Galilee, I turned some water into wine so everyone could get their buzz on, and we had a cracking laugh mucking about in the sun.

“If I remember correctly, Mary Magdalene brought some of her mates down, and we had some real fun, you know. That wasn’t a good Friday, that was a great Friday.”

Jesus went on to explain why he understood the Christian desire to celebrate Good Friday.

He said, “Look, I get it, you’re celebrating something you see as being the start of something good – I’m just saying the start of it, the bit that happened today, wasn’t so great.

“I’m not saying there’s nothing good about me being crucified; I’m just saying once is enough, and I’m in absolutely no hurry to go through it again.

“So how about we call it ‘Shitty, But I See Why It Was Necessary Friday’?”

TY@NT

 

[Dropship]

The much-heralded second coming of Jesus has been dismissed by Christians after the Lord’s son and saviour had the temerity to arrive on England’s south coast in a small boat.​

Must have been some other bloke, JC don't need no boat-
"Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake.
When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” (Matt 14: 25-27)

 

[Moriarty]

Dropship..
The second comeing will be by a boat across the channel, with someone fleeing Isreal.
Possibly floating across with a wooden cross.
More likely the people trafficers would have sold him a life belt and made him leave the cross in France because it takes up space.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

THE EASTER STORY?: PART TWO (and the bit where the zombie action starts)

Jesus has risen from the dead and marked his resurrection by performing a brand new miracle of creating a family meal for just 30 pence.

With Christians celebrating Easter Sunday across the world today, Jesus Christ has offered hope to millions of his followers by performing the miracle of feeding a family of four without the use of an unnecessary food bank by simply learning to budget properly.

A statement from the Vatican earlier declared, “It’s a miracle! He really did do it.

“Or so we’ve been told anyway. We probably need to see the meal, to be honest, and a copy of the receipt.

“But from what we’ve been told, Jesus has performed his greatest miracle of all; he’s made food out of literally nothing.

“And actually learned to cook a meal from scratch and worked within a budget.”

Asked what the meal was said to consist of we were told, “Half a tin of Aldi beans and sausages.”

TY@NT

 

[Dropship]

A statement from the Vatican earlier declared, “It’s a miracle! He really did do it.
“But from what we’ve been told, Jesus has performed his greatest miracle of all; he’s made food out of literally nothing. ."

Huh, what do catholics know..
Just as Picard replicates "Earl Grey hot", so JC replicated food but had to have some examples to work from first as in this example at one of his gigs-
“We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish,” they answered.
“Bring them here to me,” he said. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves.
Then he gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people.
They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over.
The number of those who ate was about five thousand men, besides women and children." (Matt 14:18-21)

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

EASTER STORY: PART TWO SHORT PLANKS AND A FEW NAILS

Jesus's guide to having a better Easter than him​

'Hi.

My first Easter wasn’t a barrel of laughs, but nowadays there are lots of things you can do without nailing anyone to a cross.

Here’s my guide to a torture-free Easter.'

1: Don’t crucify anyone
Easter can still be fun without brutal Roman punishments. Visiting relatives can be annoying, but resist the temptation to nail Uncle Geoff to a cross, however much he drones on about Brexit.

2: For f.uck’s sake don’t take responsibility for mankind’s sins
Looking back, agreeing to die for mankind’s sins was a mistake. A slow, painful death puts a real downer on the bank holiday weekend, especially when there are so many other things to do. Have a mini-break in Paris instead.

3: Hold a garden party
Weather permitting, invite friends over for outdoor food and drinks. Pimm's, prosecco and cocktails are all great summer thirst-quenchers, and much nicer than vinegar in a sponge on the end of a stick.

4: Don’t upset the Roman authorities
It’s unlikely you’re under the jurisdiction of the Romans if you live in, say, Crewe, but even so keep an eye out for soldiers coming to arrest you. With hindsight I should probably have legged it and opened a bar on the Costa Del Sol.

5: Organise an Easter egg hunt
Great fun for the kids. It requires a bit of effort, but not as much as dragging a massive cross up a hill, which I still feel was a f.ucking liberty considering I was the one getting nailed to it.

6: Have a family day out
Many National Trust sites and theme parks offer Easter discounts. This year I’m taking the whole family to Thorpe Park – me, God, Mary, my stepdad Joseph and that weird f.ucking guy the Holy Ghost. We’re not really sure who he is, to be honest.

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

EASTER STORY: PART THREE AND A LITTLE OOLOGY

Jesus's guide to having a better Easter than him​

'Hello everyone, it’s Jesus!. Best known for starting Christmas and looking like Dave Grohl.

'Much like Dave Grohl, I have a number of side projects on the go, of which Easter is my personal favourite because I love chocolate. You simply cannot beat it, especially when moulded into an ovoid shape then packaged in a colourful laminated box. Sadly however, my parables about which chocolate eggs to purchase were not included in the Gospels.

So here goes:'

1: Thornton’s Continental Egg
“Little children, keep yourself from false idols,” John the Baptist used to say, and those words are most apposite when it comes to this egg. For though it has the aura of the divine, is decorated all fancy and comes with truffles, it must always be remembered that Thornton’s chocolate tastes a bit weird.

2: Milky Bar Egg
Because I have two fathers, the Lord Almighty and the Holy Ghost, I always get two eggs at Easter. But while God gets me a celestial egg with infinitely delicious chocolate, the Holy Ghost always gives me a white chocolate egg to be ‘different’, no matter how often I explain that it’s an abomination, much like the remake of The Wicker Man.

3: Smarties Mug Egg
The foolish who will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven think an egg with a mug is better value. But I speak truly when I say that mug will soon be abandoned at the back of the cupboard, where God’s glory shines no light.

4: Yorkie Digger Egg
This egg is most pleasing to my sight because of the cool yellow digger box it comes in. But just as Ecclesiastes 10:8 says, whoever digs a pit may fall into it, and so the seductiveness of the digger may blind the faithful to the truth that Yorkies once had six chunks but now they only have five. Oh, and the registration plate on the digger doesn’t say EGG4U like it used to.

TY@TDM

 

[Dropship]

Don’t upset the Roman authorities
..It’s unlikely you’re under the jurisdiction of the Romans if you live in, say, Crewe, but even so keep an eye out for soldiers coming to arrest you...

Wait a mo, the Romans LURVED JC because he said "Pay taxes to Caesar" (Luke 20:23-25), and even at his trial Pontius Pilate found him not guilty (Luke 23:4)..
But the snooty Jewish priests were gunning for him and told Pilate- "Whoa bub, this JC bloke claimed he was king of the Jews which is treason against your King Caesar, so if you let him off the hook it'll look bad on your record and you'll spend the rest of your days slopping out the latrines in the Colosseum."
So Pilate said- "Hmm...okay I'd better cover my ass, he's yours to do with what you want"

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

EASTER STORY: PART FOUR - A GRAVY OOLOGY

NEWS FLASH!!

Cadbury has announced they are releasing a limited-edition gravy-filled Creme Egg that will only be available in the northern parts of England.

Speaking at the product’s launch, Ms Twi Stedbeech, a Cadbury’s representative, said, “We’re thrilled to introduce this latest addition to our range.

“We asked you, the proud people of the North, what you wanted from your egg-related confectionary, and when you spoke, we listened.

“We also asked a group of leading medical experts whether it’s advisable to fill an entire chocolate egg with gravy; but when they spoke, we chose not to listen.

“And so, behold our delicious gravy egg.”

Ms Stedbeech then bit into one of the brown ovals. A small rivulet of gravy began to trickle from her mouth as she chewed, before she vomited into an adjacent potted fern.

“I forgot to mention; I’m from Reading – I don’t really have the constitution for this.”

There were widespread parades across much of Northern England celebrating the news. Speaking at one of these impromptu street parties, Barnsley resident Oopn Orth said, “If there’s one thing we Northerners love more than being the victim of broad-brush stereotyping in a light-hearted piece of web satire, it’s t’gravy!

“It’s brilliant, all they need to do now is release a Curly Wurly full of sausage meat, and I’ll be in heaven!”

A nutritionist has described the egg as being “one of the most damaging things to happen to the lives of Northerners since Margaret Thatcher.”

The gravy-filled Creme Egg will be available from all irresponsible newsagents Northern-wide.

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

EASTER STORY: PART FIVE - THE BIBLE IS TEXTBOOK 'COCAINE PARANOIA'!?!

Inside the Bible's writers' room: We were off our tits when we came up with it​

The creators of the Bible have admitted that they were on incredible amounts of hallucinogens when they penned it.

In a rare Easter interview, the authors have confirmed that the reason the best-selling book is full of such batshit nonsense is because they were under the influence of a range of narcotics while writing.

Matthew said: “There was no substance that I, and my fellow writers Mark, Luke and John, did not ingest during that crazy writing process. And frankly, it shows.

“I mean, the whole idea that God and the Holy Ghost are these omnipresent beings who can see and judge everything you do or think, that’s textbook cocaine paranoia.

“And we were going through a real blissed-out ecstasy buzz when we came up with all of Jesus’ ‘peace and love for your fellow man’ bullshit. But the flipside of that was the crazy ideas we put in the Old Testament.

“All that stuff in Leviticus about not wearing different types of wool, or eating things with many legs. If that doesn’t scream crystal meth psychosis I don’t know what does.

“And as for the Book of Revelation, we had a bad batch of LSD John bought off his dodgy cousin to thank for that tour de force of insanity. I just hope no one ever took it all seriously.”

TY@TDM

 

[Dropship]

Matthew said: “There was no substance that I, and my fellow writers Mark, Luke and John, did not ingest during that crazy writing process. And frankly, it shows....the crazy ideas we put in the Old Testament.

We can easily debunk that alleged statement by Matt Mark Luke and John because the OT was written centuries before they were born..

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

EASTER STORY: PART SIX - Hate fuelled a.rseholes confused about God’s plan

Religious homophobes are unclear about why God is letting HIV become less infectious.

Hate-fuelled zealot Ray Cyst, 78, said: “When Aids came along it was clear to me that this was God’s wrath against deviants, just as cancer is God’s way of punishing people for nothing in particular.

“Now they’re saying that the HIV virus, which as I understand it is made of tiny angry angels, is evolving to become less deadly.

“I’m just confused as to why God would do that. I mean there’s still loads of homosexuals around, you only have to turn on Channel 4 or any programme about cakes.

“I’ve never imagined God as the sort of being who is wrathful for a bit and then sort of chills out.

“I feel so tense and confused. If only I was allowed to have a w.ank, that might help.”

TY@TDM

 

[Dropship]

“I’m just confused as to why God would do that. I mean there’s still loads of homosexuals around, you only have to turn on Channel 4 or any programme about cakes.
“I’ve never imagined God as the sort of being who is wrathful for a bit and then sort of chills out.

Think 'God's Plan' mate; Africa is crawling with AIDS-




So he's sitting with his feet up chuckling because our politicians and the numpties who vote for them are flooding Europe with infected heathens, so our home-grown fairies will get it bigtime "As ye sow, so shall ye reap"..