The cliched dangers of drugs, by someone who's never touched them

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Is your knowledge of recreational drugs based on recycled anecdotes and terrifying cliches? Stephen Malley, who has only experimented with bitter, explains the effects:



Hashish
The street name for cannabis. One ‘toke’ on a ‘doobie’ will instantly cause a complete lack of motivation, causing you to fail your exams and become a street juggler in Bristol. Two ‘hits’ on the ‘reefer’ will give you lifelong red-eye and mean you can only digest ‘munchies’.

Amphetamines
Or ‘Billy Whizz’, as dealers call it. A gram of ‘Billy’ will enable you stay up for a week, handy if you have work admin to catch up on, but the comedown will be a black pit of despair. And, based on the film Quadrophenia, you may become obsessed with mopeds.

Cocaine
You will instantly become ultra-confident and unable to stop talking. There is no chance you will just feel a bit high and nice. You’ll probably steal a high-performance sports car and crash it while snorting ‘white lines’ off a £3,000-a-night escort’s breasts.

LSD
Welcome to a one-way trip into insanity. Common effects of a low-dosage tab of LSD include: seeing God, believing you are God, cutting your face off with a broken mirror like in Hannibal, and permanently believing pixies and goblins exist, which was what happened to Led Zeppelin. If you survive expect weekly flashbacks for the next 30 years.

Magic mushrooms
Touch these evil fungi and you can forget about a happy life as the deputy branch manager of NatWest in East Grinstead. Instead you’ll live in a knackered hippy traveller bus with a grubby, dreadlocked girlfriend called Leaf and her six rescue dogs. No thanks.

Heroin
Not all jolly japes despite what Trainspotting would have you believe. Rather than running around the historical city of Edinburgh and going for lovely swims in toilets, most heroin users are selling sex in multi-story car parks in grimy locations like Mansfield. Yes, even world-famous rock stars.

The cliched dangers of drugs, by someone who's never touched them

IS YOUR knowledge of recreational drugs based on recycled anecdotes and terrifying cliches? Stephen Malley, who has only experimented with bitter, explains the effects.

www.thedailymash.co.uk

 

[CrazyCatLady]

Couldn't resist making a few changes to your list....

Hashish
A drug you will only say the name of if you are over the age of 45, when recalling the days you used to smoke any old shite. As any reputable toker will now smoke skunk or a nicely cultivated home grow, Hashish is simply way to much production (and carrier bag) for the average dealer of your weekly Q. The street name of which is 'Solid' and very rarely called Cannabis by someone who actually smokes Cannabis.

Amphetamines
Also known as trailer trash coke. Often found in banned diet drugs and again, rarely referred to unless you are over the age of 45 and recalling memories of the '90's. Those idiotic enough to drop a bomb or two every weekend, 'back in the day' (because now-a-days, no recreational drug user worth his/her/their salt would touch this rat poison) will recall you could tell how much amphet was in a wrap by the taste. The bitterer, the better! No tongue recoil- you'd just bombed a cut of baking powder. Occasionally, you could be coming down for days and that would mean you had a burner- a wrap cut with Vim. Thankfully, Speed is the gift that keeps on giving and years later, it will still remind you of the good ol' days- with rotting teeth and bone issues well after your 'Speed' days, due to the disruption in your body's calcium absorption caused by use.

Cocaine
Taken by those who have delusions of grandeur to enhance their delusions of grandeur and the cheapest, most fun way to get a nose job. The nose job won't be very nice, but at least you wouldn't have experienced the pain of getting it. You really are only a hardened coke-head, if you've began dabbing it into your tear duct or have taken to snorting your crack off a crack. Then you can say you're King/Queen of the Coke-heads. It's cheaper than you think and you don't have to have a rolled up bank note to snort it- a straw or rolled up piece of paper will do. Alternatively, you can dab it, but that tastes like shite.

LSD
Occasionally still used in amongst 'the kids', but mostly replaced with MDMA over the past 10 years or so. A very underestimated, misunderstood drug and very useful in the treatment of migraines and depressive disorders. In HIGH does or through complications with other drugs, it can cause death and during the hallucinations, there is the risk of death through thinking you can fly from bus shelters and multi-story car parks (like my school friend. RIP) and from a heart attack or dehydration. Yet even when at it's highest recreational use, had a lower death rate than alcohol (but then, every illegal drug does, so no surprises there!), with flashbacks occurring in small percentages of users (and not usually one-off users). Tis one of those drugs that the media used to scare a generation of teenagers in to creating and taking legal highs that were 10x more dangerous than the illegal drugs....and then the government had to go and ban them!

Magic mushrooms
Can't argue or add to the original description, except to inform that Ketamine is probably a more accessible & used alternative these days and there's no fear of turning in to a hippy with a pack of dogs. You just have to deal with the fear that you may not wake up from hallucination- EVER!

Heroin
Dear gawd- Trainspotting made heroin look like a day at friggin Disneyland! The really attractive quality with Heroin is the facelift it gives it's users- the wonderfully bony cheekbones, bloodshot and red lined eyes, the broken rotting teeth and misaligned jawbone (from the constant grinding). And of course, the cracking figure it gives you if you persist giving it attention- that scrawny, hunched over look, with lots of layers of clothes and that nostril curdling, sweet smell that emits from your sweat. Brown heads always have a certain look about them that has any sober person, taking up exercise and running. If you're lucky to live to be a seasoned user, expect to look 60 at the age of 27. It is also one of the drugs with the highest number of suicide attempts associated to it- ask my best friend from childhood. Wait, forget that- she died at the age of 35 due to a heroin overdose, after several suicide attempts as an addict.

Don't do drugs, kids! But please remember, you are welcome to drink yourself to death any day or alternatively, drink every day of your adult life and give the NHS more problems to deal with through long-term liver damage and/or Wernikoff Syndrome, cos ya know- that's perfectly legal.