Sex Education for Adults

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

PART ONE: GETTING WET​

Reasons sex in the shower is awful.​

Do you think kneeling down in the shower to sip at a genital cascade is sexy?

It’s not.

These are the reasons why shower sex is terrible:

You look like s'hit
In your mind you’re sexy all naked and wet but you’re blinking, your hair’s plastered to your skull, if you have hair and your face is reddened in the steam plus your extremities are goose-pimpled. And the lighting is less than forgiving in there.

Cunnilingus is likely to result in drowning
Another word for having something stuffed in your mouth while torrents of liquid come crashing down on your face? Waterboarding. And if your partner wraps their leg around your neck, you’ve now got constricted airways. They didn’t go that far in Guantánamo.

Not enough space
It looks hot when they do it on telly because every move is choreographed. When you and your tubby boyfriend attempt it you’ll be all elbows and knees and will end up with your boobs pressed against the unpleasantly cold tiles, bleakly making a mental note to scrub the grouting.

Soap is an issue
Even light soaping – giving the undercarriage a quick pre-game wash since you’re in there anyway – means there’s a substance abrasive to the eyes and unfriendly to the tastebuds in play, and at some point the phrase ‘ow, that stings’ will be used. This is not a sexy phrase.

Huge potential for injury
Showers are slippery as f'uck when there’s one of you in there, so two people attempting athletic sex is just asking for trouble. If you don’t fall through the glass door and slice an artery, you might faint from the heat or scald your p'enis when the temperature abruptly changes. Spending nine hours in A&E will kill the mood.

You can see the toilet
If you get enough purchase to start banging away, you’ll struggle to relax. Aside from the danger and the discomfort, you’re within mere feet of the toilet. While she’s moaning, you’re staring into the toilet, seeing the un-flushable turd that's just lying there pointing at you, wishing you’d closed the lid. You can’t orgasm when you’re thinking of the toilet and turds, not unless the brown jobbies do it for you that is. You sick mofo!

Give up and stick the telly on. Have a cup of tea instead.

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

PART TWO: HARD TO IMAGINE

Six sex things people can't believe are normal now

You're no prude and not even that old, but sex stuff nowadays can seem weird to anyone over 50.

Apart from YOU of course you effing perve.

Here’s what you missed out on – and what the young ‘uns are welcome to.

Making your own porn
Not that long ago your partner would have responded less than enthusiastically to this suggestion, e.g.. ‘NOT BLOODY LIKELY! WE’RE FINISHED YOU F'UCKING PERVERT!’ Watching the end result, i.e.. yourself having sex, is rubbish compared to actually doing it, so if you want to be debased narcissists you go right ahead, young people.

Dick pics
Ladies should rest assured that plenty of men find this utterly weird for many reasons. Not least that you’re likely to instantly scupper any chance of having sex, never mind a fulfilling relationship. More worryingly, unsolicited knob photos are basically the same as flashing someone in a park, but without having to go outside. Is this progress? Surely not.

Anal
Back in the day, the chances of female partners trying this were roughly the same as a snowflake planning a second trip to Hell to make use of the excellent new ice skating facilities. Nowadays Cosmopolitan publishes ‘36 anal sex tips for beginners’. Are there 36 things you have to do? Frankly it’s losing some of its appeal if it’s like assembling an IKEA storage unit.

No one complains anymore
For a generation that remembers the papers screaming ‘Ban this sick filth!’ if Channel 4 showed a nipple in a Ken Russell film at 1am, it’s odd that there’s all manner of banging, blowing and buggery on TV and no one complains anymore. Want to see Keely Hawes w'anking at 9.30pm? It’s the Guardian’s TV Pick of the Week.

BDSM
‘Sexperts’ endlessly promote this. Whether it’s to fill space in their crappy Daily Mail articles or genuinely popular is unclear. However it does imply that at least one of you has a f'ucked-up desire to be punished or a slightly worrying sadistic streak. What next, ‘sexy’ cigarette burns? An erotic punch in the face? It’s also impossible to discuss bondage in mundane real life. ‘D’you want to brush your teeth before or after I’ve flogged your buttocks red raw?’ is just silly.

Pegging
Could just be a flash in the pan thanks to rumours about a certain royal, or maybe it’s excellent fun and everyone’s doing it. You’ll try anything once so now you just have to cheerfully hand your partner a monstrous strap-on dildo and say ‘Would you mind anally penetrating me with this, sweetie?’ in the same completely normal tone of voice as ‘Would you mind getting a couple of lasagnes out of the freezer?’

TY@TDM