Report from the London School of Southern Softies

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Northerners found to be sentient and capable of feeling pain, but incapable of expressing it​

People from the North of England are sentient beings capable of feeling pain, although they’re not able to express it, according to a review commissioned by the UK government.​

The report by experts at the London School of Southern Softies looked at a range of over two hundred studies to evaluate evidence of sentience, intelligence and capacity to feel pain.

While intelligent levels were often very low, there was enough evidence to suggest that Northerners are sentient and capable of feeling pain.

However, Northerners are such hard bastards that they are completely incapable of expressing pain in any way other than putting the kettle on to make a cup of tea.

The report suggests that people from the North of England should be treated as sentient beings. This would mean more funds being directed to the North East and North West of the country.

Southerners are also being told that they should no longer boil Northerners alive, no matter how delicious their flesh might taste when dipped in butter.

via - Daily ColdUpNorth

 

[Saphire]

 

[Moriarty]

Damn so thats what that niggling feeling is.

Maybe we should be like the southerners and complain about it all the time.

Works so well for them doesnt it

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Londoners stunned to receive same treatment as the North for a bloody change​

London is going into Tier 3 restrictions from Wednesday, to the shock of many residents who never believed they’d be getting the same raw deal as those odd people up North.

“I’m sorry, WHAT?” queried avocado and quinoa breeder, Hayley Rice.

“Don’t they know who we are? This isn’t LEEDS. We do important work down here!

“I breed avocados and my husband works in the stock market, and you’d be miserable without either of those things.

“One of the few benefits of living in this overpriced rat-run is that we get special treatment compared to everywhere else, especially- though not limited to – everywhere north of Watford.

“It’s a bloody disgrace. What’s next? Coal mines? A whippet under every arm? The mind boggles.”

London MP, Simon Williams, said, “If we’re honest, we know that London is better than everywhere else. That’s just science.

“But this is one of the many cruelties of Coronavirus: it is a merciless beast that doesn’t take into account whatsoever one’s Christmas dinner reservations at The Ivy.

“So we’re going to have to shut it all down just like we did for Manchester. But don’t worry, we’ll be back to our relentless focus on the capital and nowhere else in the new year.”

via - Daily SawftLundunur

 

[Saphire]

But a true northerner is more likely to say Hiya, or Aye up .