Piles of horse manure

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

US Fox News to replace F'ucker Carlson with literal pile of steaming horse s'hit​

Carlson is to leave his role at Fox News with immediate effect, and will be replaced on his prime-time show by a steaming pile of horse excrement.

One of the creepiest and most lying hosts on US television, Carlson could prove difficult to replace, but Fox executives believe they have a ready-made replacement in a metric tonne of still-warm horse s'hit.

Fox’s head of recruitment, Chuck Williams, told us, “We thank F'ucker for his service, but we are excited by this opportunity to ensure our audience is fed their usual diet of total horse s'hit, but in a new and innovative way.

“If the Dominion trial’s discovery process taught us anything, it’s that here at Fox we have spent years feeding our audience a steady diet of figurative horse s'hit. But that ends today. From today, they will be able to tune in from 8pm to see a full hour of literal horse s'hit.

“Great, big, piles of steaming horse s'hit. Long-time viewers should rest assured, the horse s'hit will be pro-gun, anti-abortion, and pro-free speech.

“It will have all the same views and opinions, just with that distinctive whiff of horse s'hit that Fox News viewers have come to know and love.”

TY@NT

 

[Christabel]

hi

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Tory voters avoiding eye contact with everyone else in polling station queues​

Conservative voters are awkwardly trying to avoid eye contact with pretty much everyone who has gone to the polling station to cast a vote in their local election, according to reports.

Polling station staff have noticed a degree of tension between some Tory voters and members of the public, especially NHS staff, food bank users, relatives of those who died in care homes during the pandemic, and people struggling to pay their bills in the cost of living crisis.

So that's almost everyone then, apart from the haters, racists, far right morons, gammons and those that follow white supremacy rules.

The presiding officer of Little Arseworth polling station, Eleanor Gay, noted, “We have already had a number of Conservative voters stroll in here proudly and loudly announcing who they will be voting for, and repeating ‘they got Brexit done’ to themselves with a smile.

“But we’ve noticed that if there happens to be pretty much anyone else in here who isn’t wearing a blue rosette, or clutching a copy of Tractor Porn Monthly, they suddenly pipe down and look in another direction, or begin tunelessly whistling in an attempt to distance themselves emotionally from their presumably shameful situation.

“It’s almost as if they realise, if only for a moment, that by voting for Conservatives, they will be continuing to hit the poorest hardest, and condoning the awful behaviour of numerous privileged twats.”

Tory voter and monumental bellend Ray Cyst denied the claim, insisting, “True, there was a nurse in there clutching a food parcel from the food bank next door when I went in, and yes, I feel a bit bad for her that she hasn’t had a real-terms pay rise in years and can’t afford to feed her family due to the monumental energy price rises, but a world-leading government demands some sacrifices.

“And I wasn’t avoiding eye contact – I was merely gazing at the lovely tractor out in that field.”

TY@NT