Mah Gah today: Another load of mad old bollocks

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Taliban (Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan) praises their American Taliban brother Ron DeSantis and the American Taliban MAGA brothers and sisters for their success in clamping down on women’s rights​

After Florida governor Ron DeSantis signed into law a ban on abortion after 6 weeks, Taliban officials in Afghanistan have welcomed the move and praised the regressive thinking behind it, calling him a member and brother from the American Taliban.

Implementing a law that ends protection for a woman’s liberty to choose to have an abortion without excessive government restriction has made his part of the United States a much more pleasant land, according Afghanistan’s leadership, who spoke in glowing terms of the US Taliban presidential hopeful.

Taliban (Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan) spokesman, Sayid Fazi, told us, “We are delighted to see our American Taliban brothers in the United States clamping down on the scourge that is ‘women’s rights’.

Our American Taliban brother Ron DeSantis is acting to the glory of god, 'Allahu Akbar', women should have no say in their lives, as men are their owners and leaders. Our American Taliban brother Ron DeSantis and his MAGA Taliban followers agree.

“Women making decisions about their own bodies will lead to them wanting to make more decisions about other things that affect them personally, and before you know it, women will be thinking they are equal under the law.

“We are relieved to see that our American Taliban brother Ronald DeSantis recognises this dangerous risk to our way of life, and that he is personally taking steps to reduce the rights of women under the law.

“Sure, he could definitely go a bit further with the whole ‘subjugating women’ thing, but this is an excellent first step, and we look to him enacting further restrictions on the women of Florida in the near future.

“This may take some time, obviously. The caliphate will not be built in a day. But as you’ve seen, the Taliban is willing to play the long game when it comes to female subjugation.

“In the meantime, the American Taliban have our full support.

Should they be looking for ideas on what to do next, then all they need to do is call.”

''Stoning women to death will come soon.''

Well done our American Taliban brothers and sisters.

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Brain-eating microbe in US water supply explains a f'ucking hell of a lot, insist scientists​

A brain-munching microbe found feasting on the intelligence of ordinary US citizens has sparked fears that that particular horse has already f'ucking bolted, according to reports.

The bug, identified recently can devour up to twenty US brains per day and is thought to be responsible for the election of Donald Trump.

Slack-jawed officials near Lake Jackson, where the amoeba was discovered, said they were taking steps to disinfect the local water supply, but couldn’t remember why they were doing it.

The germ is known to be responsible for the rise of certain organisations such as the homoerotic, right-wing militia “Proud Boys” as well as the like-minded members of “Patriot Prayer” – a group which has yet to be answered.

To prevent further infection, Texas residents have been advised to boil all their water, but to wait for it to cool down before drinking it.

This follows a spate of deaths from internal blistering after the “cooling-off period” was deemed far too long by citizens in a hurry to drive to their local Walmart without an appropriate face-covering.

Symptoms range from believing any old right wing conspiracy sh** you read on the Internet, holding up placards, on which “MAGA” has been untidily crayoned, and being Ron DeSantis.

Texas resident, Chuck Williams, said, “Why sure this whole thing is a hoax perpetrated against the American people by those folks in Washington.

“If God didn’t mean for us to drink the water he gave us, then he wouldna given us a doggone respiratory system.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

‘Fake witch hunt’ successfully indicts yet another stupid criminal witch​

The Federal government’s fake criminal witch hunt has successfully indicted yet another witch, after that useless lying racist complete moron Don 'The Wicked Witch from Mar a Largo' Trump was criminally charged over his handling of classified documents after he left the White House.

“What a criminal witch hunt it has been,” chuckled Federal investigator Jack 'The Witch Catcher' Smith, hanging another witch hat on his ever-more-crowded wall of hunting trophies.

“Drump is technically right; this was absolutely a witch hunt, but only if you think of ‘witches’ as being real, and as people who have no magic powers whatsoever except to completely ignore the laws they themselves created.

“They don’t even do any groovy s.hit like turning people into frogs, just the kind of dull crimes you can perform while illegally handling classified materials after you’re no longer in power.

“Those are the criminal witches we’re hunting, and yes, they are pretty boring witches, but we keep finding them.

“Well, one criminal witch in particular. It’s actually getting easier and easier to catch them. This witch keeps inadvertently admitting to crimes on social media, and then telling us exactly where to find them.

“We throw him back, and before you know it, he’s jumped back onto the line with yet more evidence he’s a witch.

“You’d think he would learn, but alas, he’s clearly a very stupid racist lying witch.”

''Mah Gah Tears are delicious! Would you like a glass?'' asked the King Witch Hunterbiden!

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Elderly old dog trying to understand what it did wrong but can't​

A dog loudly reprimanded for its misbehaviour is gazing up in total incomprehension of what it could possibly have done wrong.

The elderly neutered poodle, to whom this has been happening a lot lately, is trying to understand but is just hearing its own name and feeling more hurt and affronted each time.

Donald barked: “But I’m a good dog. You told me I was a good dog. The best dog. I have the best barks.

“I took those important papers and hid them in my bed because they were my papers and I wanted them. I might have wanted to play with them, or eat them.

“They’ve got my scent on them now, so they have to be mine. Also I never had them and I don’t like them and I’m definitely not looking at them when you glance away.

“Also, the s.hit-on-the-bathmat thing and the boning of next-door’s spaniel Stormy were long-time-ago and things long-time-ago are not really real, or maybe?

“You never tell off the cat. It’s an unfair witch-hunt against me, and I’m your favourite dog.”

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

US Republicans call for a boycott of the Indiana Jones franchise after learning of its strong anti-fascist themes​

Leading Republicans have called for a ban on the Indiana Jones franchise from all American streaming services after being told the main protagonist is well-known for anti-fascist violence.

Hot on the heels of their attempts to designate Antifa as a terrorist organisation, Republicans have moved to ban what many people consider the primary ‘anti-fascist’ in popular cinema.

Many MAGA-crazed Trump supporters who recently watched Raiders of the Lost Ark for the first time in years, have noticed that it is nothing more than a propagandist tool for feminists, snowflakes and antifascists who don’t like the fact that Donald Trump should be the president, and complained that Jones himself often resorts to violence when he doesn’t get his own way.

Trump fan and far right Republican voter Raycyst Moerun told us, “At one point, this so-called hero backs mechanic who was minding his own business into a plan propeller – so much for the tolerant left!

“Can’t a mechanic just go about his business in peace, without being attacked by violent anti-fascist thugs who don’t like his opinions on who should be allowed to live?

“In another of these liberal propaganda movies, this one called Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, he actually throws another human being under the tracks of a tank, simply because he didn’t agree with his views on ethnic cleansing. These anti-fascists need to be stopped, by whatever means necessary.

“Thankfully, the Republican party has started what I hope will end with a cull of these antifascist maggots and their so-called adventure films.

“With any luck, we can start on the rest of the movie industry next. I’m basically sick of the studios making films where the bad guys are always the people I like and look up to.

“I just want a nice Hollywood blockbuster where the fascist oppressors come off best, is that too much to ask?”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Man would vote for Trump even if his only election pledge were to drown all puppies in sacks​

After the former President was indicted for plotting to defraud the American people by overturning his election defeat, many Trump supporters have admitted there is nothing he could do that would stop them voting for him.

With Trump’s popularity amongst his core supporters seemingly unaffected by his lengthening rap sheet, many of his supporters have spoken out in his defence.

Alabama hilly-billy, Jethro Williams, told us, “Shiny man on big TV. Me love big TV. Me love shiny man. Shiny man do bad things but he STILL shiny man on TV. Vote Shiny man.”

His slightly more eloquent cousin, Jim-bob, went on, “So what if he committed a few crimes along the way? He did those crimes in support of a thing that I believe, so they are not real crimes. It’s only a real crime if the Democrats do it.

“I will vote for Trump at the next election no matter what. Even if his only election promise is to drown all puppies in a sack in the nearest river. And I love puppies. But I love Trump more.”

Non-simpleton and US resident Jonathan Smith, told us, “Seventy-five million people voted for Trump in 2020, and I reckon fifty million of them would vote for him at the next election regardless of whether he is in prison a the time, or not.

“Yes, that does say wonderful things about our democracy, thank you.”

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

From 2016, and it's more relevant than ever.

SNL - Voters for Trump advert