SamBally
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A MAN arrested by UK police for the assassination of a lawnmower was a fascist sympathizer who acted alone, MI5 said last night.
Mr Squirrel killed the Black & Decker Lawn Train with two shots fired from a Sig MCX Canebrake air rifle from the upstairs bedroom window of his isolated hermit shack in the woods, agents said.
They claim he developed a hatred of lawnmowers after defecting to Germany, which he expected to be a lawnmower-based utopia.
MI5 agent Carl Booker said: "He was shocked to discover how backward German grass-cutting was. Most of their mowers were still side discharge with no rear bag or mulching facility.
"When he came back he brought his British mower along. He was always bragging about it, but he knew his grass was a mess. Last week he got drunk and took a swing at a rotovator."
Booker said Mr Squirrels' first shot went straight through the Lawn Train before entering a Bosch electric chainsaw, while the second and fatal shot entered the mower from the rear.
However, eyewitnesses claimed there were six shots from two directions, while experts say injuries to the chainsaw prove at least one other gunman was involved.
Ballistics expert Wayne Hayes said: "Are we expected to believe one pellet could pass through the mower, stop in mid-air, turn 90 degrees, and then continue through the chainsaw and emerge on the grass without so much as a scratch?
"Also, the fatal shot sends the Lawn Hog Train to the left, exactly what you would expect if the shot came from the front-right.
"If the fatal shot came from the front then you have to conclude there was a second rifleman, and if there was a second rifleman there had to be a conspiracy, one which we believe involves Tommy Robinson and a rogue badger."
Hayes added: "Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left."
Mr Squirrel killed the Black & Decker Lawn Train with two shots fired from a Sig MCX Canebrake air rifle from the upstairs bedroom window of his isolated hermit shack in the woods, agents said.
They claim he developed a hatred of lawnmowers after defecting to Germany, which he expected to be a lawnmower-based utopia.
MI5 agent Carl Booker said: "He was shocked to discover how backward German grass-cutting was. Most of their mowers were still side discharge with no rear bag or mulching facility.
"When he came back he brought his British mower along. He was always bragging about it, but he knew his grass was a mess. Last week he got drunk and took a swing at a rotovator."
Booker said Mr Squirrels' first shot went straight through the Lawn Train before entering a Bosch electric chainsaw, while the second and fatal shot entered the mower from the rear.
However, eyewitnesses claimed there were six shots from two directions, while experts say injuries to the chainsaw prove at least one other gunman was involved.
Ballistics expert Wayne Hayes said: "Are we expected to believe one pellet could pass through the mower, stop in mid-air, turn 90 degrees, and then continue through the chainsaw and emerge on the grass without so much as a scratch?
"Also, the fatal shot sends the Lawn Hog Train to the left, exactly what you would expect if the shot came from the front-right.
"If the fatal shot came from the front then you have to conclude there was a second rifleman, and if there was a second rifleman there had to be a conspiracy, one which we believe involves Tommy Robinson and a rogue badger."
Hayes added: "Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left."