How to make yourself feel clever on the internet.

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

How to make yourself feel clever on the internet​

Are you stupid in real life? Want to feel briefly intelligent?

Simply do these obnoxious internet things:

Call everything a scam
Someone posted a news story to Facebook? Superciliously respond ‘you don’t believe that, do you?’ and follow up with ‘of course that would be what the media said’, leaving everyone wondering why and how the BBC would fake a flood alert in Cumbria.

Have no idea about popular culture
Kylie Jenner? Who? And effortlessly you’ve catapulted yourself into an intellectual stratosphere where mere celebrities are so far beneath your attention you’re literally ignorant of their very existence. Three posts before you were arguing that Lewis Dunk is a better centre-back than Mason Holgate.

Retweet someone clever
Why be clever yourself when others can do the hard work for you? Retweet a YouTube lecture about artificial intelligence being the command economy future, adding ‘Fascinating stuff!’ Nobody’s going to watch it or challenge you on it.

Mock
The iron rule of stupidity is: there’s always somebody stupider. Find that person – they’re probably trending – and join the mob. Get in a few decent insults and walk away glowing with pride at your high moral standing. It could never happen to someone smart like you.

Find your specialism
Everyone knows more about one tiny obscure area than anyone else. Somewhere on the internet there’s a forum where your in-depth knowledge of 1980s Mazda exhausts can be used to beat people over the head, for their own good.

Correct grammar
Your fellow internet users aren’t tweeting about Adele’s track list with numb fingers while waiting for buses. No, they are serious people and every word is carven in stone, so if they miss an apostrophe point it out, ridicule them, and consider their entire argument invalid. There. Don’t you feel clever now?

via - DailyShowoff

PS: The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this post are fictitious. No identification with actual cnut's (living or deceased), is intended or should be inferred..... apart from the obvious nasty twats who infest the forums. You, and we, know who you are!

 

[WickedPerdition]

Shamefully, you don't possess a singular thought of your own and constantly rely on appropriating senseless drivel, from the most woke sources, that only people with tiny minds would ever consider remotely amusing.
To quote an idiot I read recently: "You, and we, know who you are"!
I have to laugh because you daren't type anything of your own invention for fear of making yourself look even more stupid, and open to inevitable correction.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

 

[WickedPerdition]

Here's looking at you ...

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

An eight-point guide to being a cvnt on the internet​

Is everyone on a chat forum an idiot except you?

Do you love angry typing or threatening people?

Then being lonely and ignored could be for you.

Here’s an eight-point guide:

1) The first thing to remember is that everyone on the Internet is stupid. It is your job to tell them all how wrong they are about everything.

2) As a rule of thumb anything you would not say to somebody out loud in real life is most definitely OK to say online in front of millions of people.

3) Be mean to all the women. Especially the ones who have opinions or cellulite. If they do not leave the Internet immediately, get a bit 'what a drug-dependant wreck you are' with them.

4) It doesn’t matter what you say it is the way you say it. Don’t be afraid to call someone a tiny mind on a thread about homemade soup.

5) Use your wine addled ego trip not facts.

6) Never scroll past anything you do not agree with. In fact, even if you do agree with it or have no idea what it means, comment with 'seeing as it somewhat vexed you'.

7) Don’t let a little thing like ‘not reading the article’ stop you having an opinion about the article, the writer of the article and anyone commenting on the article.

8) And finally, when in doubt ask yourself, ‘what would Piers Morgan do?’.

via - DailyWanker

 

[WickedPerdition]

The poster was aptly described ... 'via - (The) DailyWanker'.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

My busy morning, by a chatroom forum nonentity​

12am. Up and at 'em, ready for a productive night of vile online abuse. Start by being a grammar Nazi. Good response, by which I mean about zero people told me to go fvck myself. That was really just a warm-up.

1am. I’ve discovered that insulting chatroom user's dogs really boils their piss. Told some forum nonentity that his ugly puppy looks like Gollum with an eating disorder. Blocked. Result.

1.15am. Sent a comment to a dullard asking if she’s got any risqué photos, but it’s hard to stand out from the misogynists online, so I decide to call a female who is ignoring me a ‘lesbian’ instead. Lots of hate typed in reply, but I live for that.

1.30am. Time for a stilton and pickle sandwich and typing shite. The more random and undeserved it is, the better.

2am. I like to vary my abuse, so instead of addressing the issues of the day I leave a series of extremely negative reviews on chatroom forum posts, telling one site member 'please tell me you aren't a scouse'. Never been to Liverpool, obviously. Might pop there sometime, the monobrow fanny looks nice.

3am. Time to bait the women chatroom users again! I head over to the Lobby to say how brilliant I am, post some borderline racism and then whine about being called a racist. I particularly enjoy them trying to use reasoned argument, when I am clearly a fvcking idiot. Sweet. I fall into a wine addled coma. Wake up 2 hours later. I've pissed myself!

5.30am. Peel off my y-fronts, then round off the night by using one of the most absurd platitudes of all time. Had a brief nagging doubt that my time could be used more productively and maybe I should get a life, but drunk typing is just such a rewarding choice. Kick the pile of empty wine bottles and stagger to bed.

via - Daily Alcoholic

 

[WickedPerdition]

I'm assuming that this is just a brief glimpse of your upcoming autobiography.
Very revealing, but unfortunately, quite predictable considering the usual inane piffle that you frequently feel compelled to type on this particular platform. Sorry, I meant copy from an equally futile source, seeing as you have no originality whatsoever.
I'm sure that some of your followers are eagerly anticipating the publication. I hate repetition, BUT: "You, and we, know who you are"!
For me, it's far too predictable, alas.

 

[WickedPerdition]

I forgot to add: you didn't mention that the rest of your time is spent trying to justify your evidently trivial existence in your 'diary', and your obvious infatuation with a particular Forum contributor who finds you marginally entertaining, might I add.

 

[SamBally]

I have also observed recently, that if these grammar nazi cockwombles are considered by their victims to have half a brain cell, the target of their constant attacks are a lot less likely to take offence because they consider themselves to be of that same ilk.

Mr Cockwomble doesn't view you as his intellectual equal, it's not "banter" and never was, show some bloody dignity.

LOL!

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

I have also observed recently, that if these grammar nazi cockwombles are considered by their victims to have half a brain cell, the target of their constant attacks are a lot less likely to take offence because they consider themselves to be of that same ilk.

Mr Cockwomble doesn't view you as his intellectual equal, it's not "banter" and never was, show some bloody dignity.

LOL!

'His' diary denial is very telling.

'marginally entertaining' *shuddering vomit*

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Don't read the article: How to write a moronic internet comment​

Do you feel compelled to share your gormless thoughts online?

Here’s how to sound like the thousands of morons found in the average comments section.

Call out the website owners
Type nonsensical words and jumbled sentences while pretending you don't know how to type. Deliberately misspell. Use terms like 'site is dying', 'i'm leaving', 'right', and a forum favourite 'i was attention seeking but not now'.

Don’t read the article
Scrolling past the actual article is the quickest way to leave a stupid comment. Don’t even read the headline, just start hammering your keyboard. It’s like joining friends in a pub, not finding out what they’re talking about, and starting a totally random conversation about anal polyps or 'sweetcorn'- 'yes' or no'?

Bring up your haters
It’s only a matter of time until your haters appear in your comments, so mention them at the earliest possible opportunity. Don’t even try to weave them into what the OP is about. In fact, start an article asking for comments on comments about comments made by 'your haters'. Ignore the fact you're a raving fcuking idiot. Anyone caught up in your egotistical madness deserves a gold medal for not stabbing a sharp crayon into your head at the earliest opportunity.

Distort the content to be offended
The article will have been written by a professional journalist and checked by an editor, but there’s always room to misinterpret the facts if you wilfully distort them. Everyone will call you a hopelessly misinformed idiot, but as such there’s a slim chance you’ll get a gig with the BBC to provide ‘balance’.

Disregard spelling and punctuation
Using ‘their’ instead of ‘they’re’ and playing fast and loose with full stops are the oldest tricks in the moronic comment playbook. If you want to stand out from the crowd though, have the audacity to correct someone else’s grammar and spelling by saying ‘Your wrong their’. Or more typically, bring into play, the simple ''I'm so very disappointed''.

Believe your comment is very important
If you regularly add your thoughts to internet articles you’re slightly mad anyway, so take the whole thing incredibly seriously.

Whatever you type will be ludicrous because you’re futilely trying to make a serious point with ranting nutters, and possibly comments written by an algorithm.

via - Daily Help

 

[FlatLined]

Get a room you two, Dumb and Dumber show springs to mind

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

 

[WickedPerdition]

Just the desired reading we all need to remedy our insomnia.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

 

[SamBally]

Not the speediest reaction to a thread is it. I suspect it took the whole month that passed before that mind did any springing.

Dumb and dumber indeed.

LOL!