HELPFUL GUIDES TO EVERYTHING

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

THE RYE TWING'S GUIDE TO FREEZE PEACH

After being told that it is not advisable to put peaches in the freezer as they will oxidise, Tote Almorun, 58, has launched a new freeze peach campaign – ‘Tote Almorun’s Freeze Peach Union.’

“They just don’t get it. These so-called scientists are trying to trample all over my rights as a British citizen to freeze peach,” he claimed, in a posting on his favourite internet forum.

“Well, for too long we’ve had the paid interests of the so-called science ‘experts’ dictate what I can and can’t do. I’m not taking it any longer! I’m a British citizen! I have a peach! I have a freezer! No one is going to take away my rights to freeze peach anymore.”

Tote then posted a short video of him putting a peach in the freezer while shouting ‘freeze peach’ over and over again.

He then posted another video several days later of him opening the freezer to find the peach was all brown and horrible.

He then spent several minutes claiming that ‘Big Agra’ had broken into his house and replaced his original peach with the horrible one and he would be reporting it to the police immediately.

The video ended with Tote's solemnly pledging to continue defending everyone’s right to freeze peach.

Since its launch, ‘Tote Almorun’s Freeze Peach Union’ has attracted support from Allison Pearson, Laurence Fox, Julia Hartley-Brewer and a crazy old man who lives in a bin.

Literally no one else gives a toss either way.

TY@NT

 

[Dropship]

PEACH LIVES MATTER !

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Guide to Travelling in Snow​

Key to travelling in snow is preparation, and a willingness to eat human flesh.

According to Professor Raymond Raymondsson of the Institute for Snow Studies: “The important thing to remember, if you are forced to pull in, is that the warmest place in the car is under the bonnet. Use spanners to remove your car’s engine then climb inside, getting into the foetal position.”

Snow travel checklist:

1: Raw meat
Not only is raw meat an essential source of protein, if you rub it on your face and hands it leaves a layer of grease that will protect your skin from wind-chafing. Keep a bin bag full of uncooked meat in your boot.

2:Sword
Snowy conditions bring out highwaymen, brigands and carnivores attracted by your bag of meat. If any large organism approaches your stationary vehicle wave your blade and shout, ‘I’ve got a sword and I’ll cut your fucking head off’.

3:Crisps (Beef)
Beef crisps are another excellent source of protein. The packet also serves as a distress signal if you fill it with air then stamp on it.

4:Microscope
A magnification device is useful for checking whether all snowflakes are indeed unique.

5:A sense of romance
According to data for motoring organisations, 64% of drivers lack a basic sense of romance, adventure and a drivers licence.

6:One of those giant kangaroo things from Empire Strikes Back
Not everyone has access to a tauntaun but if you live in the Star Wars universe they are the ultimate snow vehicle. Unless you are riding a female one that’s in season and there’s a group of male tauntauns around, in which case it’s a nightmare.

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

A Guide: the Majestic Brexit Mess

Did you vote for Brexit to stop immigration, only for immigration to go up?

Is that your fault? Yes, it is.

So what else has gone the opposite way to your intentions?

A Guide:

1: The NHS
There’s no more ardent backer of the NHS than you. Why, you were willing to sever all connections with our nearest neighbours, the world’s largest trading bloc, to give it an extra £350m a week. (The lies) And what’s happened? The NHS is on its knees and the people you voted for are now saying it needs to be put down. We told you so!

2: Immigration
It was all the EU’s fault, wasn’t it? Except France, shorn of all responsibility for asylum seekers headed our way, now wishes them an insouciant ‘Bon voyage!’. More are arriving than ever before, and we haven’t even signed our free movement deal with India yet. It’s like a lesson in racism not paying off. We told you so!

3: Trade
Sick of the EU holding us back, you unleashed buccaneering Britain to take on the world just like Boris Johnson said. The result? Businesses shutter weekly, supermarkets routinely have empty shelves, and apparently if we’re to even compete you need to lose all your employment rights. We told you so!

4: Borders
We’ve added an extra one within the UK, between Britain and Northern Ireland, and we don’t even control that. The EU do. Oh and we’re struggling to check goods coming in, so enjoy your horse pie. We told you so!

5: Jobs
Eastern Europeans are taking all the jobs, you muttered as a friendly Romanian waitress served you. They should be going to honest Brits. And now they’ve all f.ucked off, haven’t they? Restaurant service is sluggish at best, fruit’s rotting in trees and nurses are striking because of understaffing and cruelty in patient treatments, when they happen of course due to backlogs, because honest Brits didn’t want their crappy jobs. We told you so!

6: Political representation
Why should unelected technocrats in Brussels make all the decisions? We didn’t vote for them. No. Nor did anyone vote for Theresa May, Liz Truss or Rishi Sunak, but those clueless pricks have been in charge for the majority of the time since 2016, haven’t they? And how’s that gone? We told you so!

TY@TDM

 

[Dropship]

Sure the Tories haven't had the balls to put an end to immigration, but in fairness to them, every time they've tried to tackle the problem, the Labour bleeding hearts have been throwing a spanner in the works..