HELPFUL GUIDES TO EVERYTHING

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

NUMBER ONES

The Boomer's guide to sitting at home being furious - by Sir Bowring Fanee​

Are you comfortably retired? Nothing much to worry about?

Here, Sir BoFa vents his damaged spleen while giving tips on sitting in front of the TV being perpetually fvcked-off.


1: Remember everyone wants something for nothing these days

Immigrants, dole scroungers, snowflakes – they’re all living it up on Easy Street. The latest phone, money for pizzas and drugs, a new Mercedes delivered by their social worker, no wonder you're angry. Be fuming at all times, and ignore your GP saying you need to lower your blood pressure. She’s coining it in from the transgender scam anyway.

2: Avoid different points of view

Restrict your social life to people exactly like you. When you say ‘Look at London now’, like minded bigoted angry friends will know exactly what you mean (too many of ‘them’). You don’t want someone like your niece saying ‘I think things are okay’, challenging your firmly-held conviction that we live in a modern hellscape and everyone would be better off just killing themselves.

3: Get opinions from phone-ins

Thankfully there are some voices of sanity left in Woke Britain – the phone-in callers to Talk Radio, Nick Ferrari on LBC. When a gibbering lunatic says ‘The EU wanted Ukraine addicted to Covid vaccines, that’s what were unhappy about’, listen and take it in. He knows what he is talking about.

4: Choose the correct newspaper

It should have a daily example of stupidity on its front page, such as: ‘WILL SHAMIMA BEGUM BECOME THE NEW HEAD OF THE BBC?’ 'WOKESTERS WANT SAM SMITH FOR PM'. So basically it should be the Express, Mail or Telegraph. If every story isn’t designed to pander to easily-manipulated angry old people it’s just shoddy journalism.

5: You are right due to your age

You sat the 11-plus, not modern exams where everyone gets an A+++, and have a wealth of real-life experience from 45 years working in the accounts department of the same plastic guttering firm in Macclesfield. Also age automatically make you wise, so there is literally no chance of being wrong about anything. You said Corbyn was an idiot, and where is he now? Exactly.

6: Embrace new technology

The internet places knowledge at your fingertips and allows you to research any subject. So spend hours at your old PC reading or watching Infowars videos, YouTube vid, Twitter posts, and online forum posts about how pharmaceutical companies put hormones in toothpaste to turn you gay, and covid vaccine is designed to kill you off because you are old.

7: Don’t go out

A trip to the supermarket or B&Q is acceptable. You can share any so-called ‘bigoted’ opinion with checkout staff and they’ll noncommittally agree for an easy life. But overall avoid contact with new people or things. The last thing you want is to get invited to pensioner’s film night at the civic centre and meet an Asian man who’s friendly and likes The Dam Busters.


TY @TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

NUMBER TWO'S

'ThirtyPee' Lees guide to never spending more than six bob

Lee Anderson MP is best known for his ignorant bullshit cooking advice for poor people.

But why stop with meals when there’s so much more you can do for 30p?


1: Cook a delicious meal

Not spending more than 30p per person is easy if you budget properly and cook for yourself. Which today’s bone-idle dole scum won’t do, right, Tory pensioners? Anyway, a bag of flour is 58p and lasts forever and a tin of Asda dog food is 77p. Hey presto – budget beef wellington.

2: Get a job

This is the root of the problem with you scroungers, isn’t it? Don’t complain about not having a suit for interviews. A bin bag is 24p, so with a few alterations you’ve got a brand new dark suit. Personally I used to be a miner, so I know the value of hard graft. Took me a few years to work out which way round you hold a pickaxe though.

3: Chat to friends on social media

Many public libraries only charge £1 for an hour, so for 30p you can have a whole 18 minutes of cruising the information superhighway. I’m a fan myself. I tend to post offensively simplistic bollocks, but that’s perfect for the thick, right-wing vindictive bastards who'd vote for me.

4: Go to the cinema

First, save up your 30ps. Today’s instant gratification credit card generation won’t want to hear it, but it’s what we did in the good old days. Buy a ticket for your family’s ‘designated film watcher’. Afterwards they can explain the story to everyone else and act out the action bits with their hands. Just a shame it’ll be The Black Panther Man or some other woke ‘hero’.

5: Go on holiday

Okay, you won’t be flying to Barbados, but if you live in say, Birmingham, why not have a holiday in Dudley? A park bench makes a great ‘hotel’ while you immerse yourself in an exotic culture with different roads and chip shops. And there’s no need to worry about your carbon footprint, because you won’t be flying and global warming is bollocks anyway.

6: Enjoy an interesting dream

Go to sleep and hope you dream you can fly or something, which is great value for 0p compared with £36 for Alton Towers. As an aside, I have a recurring dream where voters keep saying to me: ‘You’re out on your arse at the next election, Lee, you dense twat.’ How strange! That’s the thing with dreams, they’ve got hidden meanings.

7: Visit a site of historical interest

Many are free, so enjoy them before the woke mob replaces every traditional English building with a statue of Lenin. I get plenty of history myself by visiting the Commons regularly to give speeches full of tired cliches pandering to right-wing morons. I actually get paid for this, and it’s £84,143.70 more than 30p.

TY @TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

NUMBER TWOS AND BIT

The Gammons made-up guide to diversity training


The BBC is currently encouraging all its staff to take part in diversity training.

Here, Lord Kompleet Fawnee imagines what this will involve and explains why it is an outrage.


1: Making you think you’re prejudiced

Overcoming ‘unconscious bias' all sounds very nice, but what if you’re prejudiced against someone and you’re right? I’ve never liked the look of them in the corner shop, and it turns out a Dr Oetker Hawaiian pizza is 45p more than in Asda. Bloody crooks.

2: Employing 50 per cent gays

I haven’t studied diversity training in detail, but I’m pretty sure they’ll want equal numbers of gays. So that means 50 per cent of BBC programmes will be gay. I pay my licence fee for heterosexual documentaries about Bomber Harris, not Graham Norton interviewing Liberace every night.

3: Not being able to compliment a lady

This is probably the first thing they study. You won’t be able to say “Your hair’s looking nice, Janie”. Instead you’ll learn to say, “I respect your autonomous hairstyling decisions, equally valid non-gender-specific human.” I actually believe this.

4: Making you ashamed to be a white male

There’s good and bad in all types, I say. So let’s not not judge people by their skin colour. Although white people never did anything as bad as Idi Amin, the WW2 Japanese, or the Candyman. Me and the wife had to turn that off.

5: Gender bending

I can see it now, normal blokes like me would have to wear dresses while Sam Smith and Grayson Perry make us plait each other’s hair and play with dolls. This sort of ridiculous political correctness is going to set diversity back by decades. Although I have wondered what it’s like to wear a dress. Maybe when my wife’s out.

6: The ‘disabled’ scam is real

Yes, there are a few real disabled's, but they’re mostly wheelchair frauds who just want the parking spaces. It’s lucky there are people like me who aren’t taken in, and don’t need any of this ‘consciousness-raising’ nonsense.

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

NUMBER TWO'S AND A BIT MOAR

The confused person's guide to the 'war on woke'​

Are you confused about the ‘war on woke’ and your role in it?

Here are all your questions answered about this definitely genuine issue:


1: Is it a real war?

Of course not. Do you think self-serving arseholes like Lawrence Fox and geeky libertarian Telegraph columnists would ever risk their own skins?

2: So what is it, then?

Mostly random plans like legislation to protect statues and calling a meeting of heritage groups like the National Trust to encourage them to portray British history positively. Which is going to be a challenge with slavery. Maybe it could be rebranded ‘non-voluntary overseas career development opportunities’.

3: But I already know British history isn’t all good or all bad

You’re missing the point. Politicians, gammons and lunatic talk show racists have discovered it’s easier to get votes by convincing your grandparents that Black Lives Matter is going to ban Spitfires than thinking of actual policies.

4: What if I get ‘cancelled’? I don’t like the sound of that

It’s not really a risk for most people, unless you’re a weirdo who’s written a book with a title like 'I Don’t Want to be a Transsexual, Daddy: How Woke is Turning Our Children Into Marxist Poofs.'

5: Okay, which side of the war should I be on?

If you love wasting your time obsessing over vague threats to the legacy of historical figures you hadn’t heard of until now, definitely the anti-woke side. There isn’t really another side as such, just a lot of people wearily going, ‘What’s that little bastard Gove up to now?’

6: Where can I find out more?

Rest assured the Mail, Express, Times et al will be providing non-stop blanket coverage until you go into a coma from boredom. For a ‘war on woke’ perspective on history, try reading Commando comics.

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

NUMBER TWO'S AND SOME EXTRA DRIBBLE

The Daily Mail guide to cutting your food bill instead of blaming the Tories

Food bills are rising thanks to the Tories’ piss poor management of the economy.

So naturally the Daily Mail feels it’s your responsibility to eat more cheaply.

Here are their helpful tips.


1: Go veggie

Worried everything costs more and you’re barely getting by? You can save a fortune by cutting out meat. A balanced meal of a carrot dipped in ketchup costs as little as 1p – and with the savings you can treat yourself to a luxurious half-hour of having the heating on.

2: Don’t buy expensive baked goods

Remember how the government set the economy back years with austerity? Well don’t. Occupy your mind by baking a stupid amount of stuff, say 50 flavourless cheese scones. You’ll soon be just like a professional baker, i.e. sweaty and fvcked off from endlessly kneading dough, with asbestos-like hands from all the burns.

3: Buy cheaper cuts of meat

Haven’t had a pay rise for seven years at least? Cheaper cuts of meat can be just as tasty and interestingly gristly. Your kids won’t ever want to go to McDonald’s again once they’ve tried your liver in a bun with boiled turnip ‘fries’. And they’ll love your homemade Kidney McNuggets.

4: Cook in terrifyingly large batches

A great way to budget and you’ll always have meals in the freezer – which you’ll need when things really go tits-up. Cook great vats of spag bol using the cheapest, most watery tinned tomatoes and live off it day after day until your kids are begging you for boiled broccoli just for some sort of variety.

5: Look for bargains

Head to the supermarket at a strange hour every day and demean yourself waiting for crap bargains to be put on the shelf, e.g. a dried-out Battenberg cake for 11p and some 6p watery bagged salad. It’s a massive waste of your time but you’ve got plenty now you’re unemployed.

6: Choose inflation-beating foods

Inflation may be at a 30-year high but beetles, frogs and dead birds are the same ‘price’ whatever the state of the economy. Seagulls that eat rubbish from bins are only mildly toxic, and everyone will be impressed by your ‘supersize spicy wings’.

TY@TDM

 

[Moriarty]

This is actually funny.

However, I think you need to go back a few years, maybe a couple of decades to see this starting.

Tory today is new labour 20 years ago, labour today is a fecking mystery.

I do wonder where the Tory party is, they seem to have got lost.
As for Labour, didnt they used to represent working people?
Now they seem to be at one with the champagne socialists and the twitterati?

Oh how times have changed.

Now the Right is on the left, with thier economic "Help" because the economy is fecked due to thier ineptitude and fear porn spending over Covid.

While the left want to "Make Britain Great Again" according to Lammy.

It's a funny old world.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

NUMBER TWOS AND MOAR TASTY STUFF

Who needs tomatoes and peppers when we’ve got delicious British vegetables like swede and cabbage?

Here is Sir Bowring Fanees’ guide to avoiding traitorous EU produce.

Cabbage

Why fanny around reducing luscious tomatoes into a tasty ragu when you could chop up a tough old cabbage and boil it into submission? The overly emotional Italians make a bloody fuss about everything, whereas us Brits know you have to like it or lump it. It’s how we single-handedly won the war. Don’t you dare mention America.

Cauliflower

Cauliflower looks horrible and smells like farts, which makes it a classic British vegetable. There’s only one way to cook it, which is to simmer it into a tasteless mush like my old mum used to. And you don’t slice it into so-called ‘steaks’ like in veggie restaurants. If you do I’ll call the police as you’ve obviously been injecting LSD with your hippy vegan anarchist mates.

Swede

The swede has a suspicious European name, but it grows in abundance down the allotment so I’ll allow it. Can’t really do anything with it apart from mash it and then be disappointed it’s not potato, but this country was built on disappointment and look at us now. We’re miserable and poor, but we’ve escaped the tyranny of Brussels. I’d eat gravel if I thought it would piss off Ursula von der Leyen. And I’d bloody well enjoy it!

Jerusalem artichoke

Even more horribly foreign-sounding, but also the name of that hymn about how brilliant England is, so swings and roundabouts. This vegetable is a tricky little bugger that’s a nightmare to deal with and ultimately more trouble than it’s worth. My wife said it’s a good metaphor for Brexit, which made me sulk in the garage for three days.

Potatoes

Who wants metropolitan elite rubbish like raspberries, peppers or broccoli when you can enjoy the great British spud? Especially deep fried and covered in salt, which is the best way to enjoy any kind of food. It’s called ‘cuisine’, and we invented it, you European plebs.

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

NUMBER TWOS AND A SIDE WIPE

Rishi Sunak's guide to getting an NHS GP appointment​

Ignore my millions everyone, because I’m just like you guys and definitely use the NHS all the time.

Here’s my step-by-step guide to getting a GP appointment.


Ring as soon as they open

GPs are very busy – because of the pandemic, remember, not Tory underfunding – so you’ve got to ring the surgery as soon as it opens. I get my assistant to do it, but maybe you could ask your small children. Please don’t go direct to A&E. We’re running out of corridors to put trolleys in and having to leave people on the roof in a cagoule.

Carefully explain your symptoms

The phone will be answered by a cheerful and not-at-all-horrifically-overworked-and-miserable receptionist. Explain your symptoms with as much detail as possible. When they say ‘That’s enough information, I’ve got 102 other people waiting’ remind them that you’ll soon be privatising their job and giving it to a robot. Oh, sorry, only I can say that.

Wait for a call back

Once you’ve explained your problem you’ll have to wait a while for the doctor to ring you back. Will it be one hour or six hours? No one knows, which is part of the fun. In the meantime, you can do something useful, like pop to the shops. I’ve got a private jet so I’ll nip to Paris for a coffee and my favourite fromage.

Treat your doctor with respect

When your doctor or nurse finally calls, it’s important to be nice to them even if you’re in severe pain or vomiting into a bucket. You certainly shouldn’t accuse them of being greedy Bolshevik bastards who are constantly striking and should be grateful for getting a free stethoscope. That would be rude, so I only say it in cabinet meetings.

Say ‘Fvck this’ and call Bupa instead

Yes, I said I was registered with the NHS but that doesn’t mean I actually use it. Important people like me can’t be expected to use such a sh** service, shame you guys have to put up with it. So I’ve no choice but to ring Bupa while you lot make your own splints and cauterise your wounds on the gas fire. It’s unfair, but you should have thought about that when you decided to be poor.

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

NUMBER THREE'S AND A LITTLE BIT OF Wi​

The conspiracy idiot’s guide:​

Comparing every little inconvenience to Nazi Germany​

As changes to your everyday routine became a little more inconvenient, here is a handy guide for all idiots looking to make the compelling argument that the country was/is becoming like Nazi Germany.


Below you will find a selection of ‘killer’ talking points, sure to sway those you engage with and to make you look like the well-rounded not-at-all-hysterical individual you so clearly are.

1: “This is how the Nazi’s started”. Complaining about people continuing to wear masks in Tesco carries a real danger of making you look like a whiny toddler on the verge of an ill-conceived tantrum. Make sure people realise that you’re only looking out for their best interests by explaining this is how the Nazi’s started. Very few people read history books, so they’re unlikely to be able to prove you wrong.

2: “The people behind the Covid-19 vaccine are exactly like Dr Josef Mengele”. It’s not good enough to simply express hesitancy about the vaccine programme, you must insist it is definitely part of a global experiment – the motives for which are still unclear. You can argue that this is an “experiment”. Dr Mengele conducted “experiments” for the Nazis. So they are definitely the same thing.

3: “It’s vaccine passports today, holocaust tomorrow”. The most powerful tool in your armoury is the ‘thin end of the wedge’ argument. Sure, taking a lateral flow test to go to a nightclub if you’re not vaccinated was a bit of an inconvenience, but you can easily invoke Nazi imagery by likening that Vaccine Passport to the stars forced upon the Jewish community in the days of Nazi rule. Don’t worry about looking like a hysterical child who merely hates inconvenience – see our earlier point about history books.

4: “If you had to get a vaccine booster then you are the new Anne Frank”. It’s about time we had a new face as the real victim of persecution, and your face is as good as any. Sure, Anne Frank had to spend 761 hiding in a secret annexe to avoid the Nazis, but you might have to spend ten minutes on a Thursday phoning up the NHS to scream at someone about being offered a jab, you don't want. So who is the real victim here, huh?

5: “Anthony Fauci is basically Hitler reincarnated”. Okay, this one is a little more difficult to argue, but stick with us here. Hitler started as an artist, and Fauci is a physician-scientist and immunologist. So if an artist can go on to lead the Third Reich, then Anthony Fauci is more than capable of doing the same. Incontrovertible proof, as if it was even needed.

Lastly, if in doubt, make your argument more forcefully. No one ever won an argument by adding further clarity to their position and introducing supporting evidence, so focus on volume. If you’re online, upload thousands of meaningless videos promoting lies and fake stories. If you’re in the pub, then that means shouting and finger-pointing. Who cares if you have no friends left.

Now go forth and convince the witless sheep that they stumbling into the Fourth Reich. God’s speed.

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

NUMBER FOUR AND A Wi BIT MOAR

A CONVERSATION GUIDE –​

What to say to someone who is a fan of Tory MP Lee Anderson ​

Since his promotion to Tory party deputy chairman, Lee '30p' Anderson has become the Tory party’s favourite new culture warrior, always reliably light on policy, and heavy on culture-based rhetoric;

Lee can always be relied upon to say the most stupid yet populist things, so the career Tories don’t have to.

So what can you say when you find yourself in conversation with one of Lee Anderson’s supporters?

It’s certainly a challenge, but our guide below will provide some conversation starters to get you on your way:

1: Oh yes, of all the desperately ill-informed red-wall Tories, he’s definitely the loudest.

2: I thought 30p was overly generous; if you’re willing to batch cook 5,000 meals at a time, you can get the unit cost down to 28p.

3: We’ve had thirteen years of Tory failure with their attempts at “policies”, “economic management”, and “fiscal control”, it’s time we let the guys who blame everything on poor people and immigrants have a go.

4: Lee is a shining example to every below-average intelligence pub bore in the country. Dream big, pissy-pants Pete, dream big.

5: We are so lucky Labour suspended him five years ago for his anti-social behaviour; without that indiscretion, the Tories might never have got him.

6: Lee’s death penalty plans are entirely flawless, and have been proven to definitely work, if you ignore all the places where the death penalty doesn’t work.

7: Lee had the right idea with the Remainer bloke, if you can’t win an argument against someone on its merits, offer to fight them.

8: As we enter the culture war, Lee is very much our Achilles. Except his only weakness isn’t attached to his heel, it’s between his ears.

9: Woke. Vegan. Migrant boats. Lefties. Socialism. Send ’em back. Death Penalty. Did I miss anything?

10: Lee’s move from Labour to the Tories was hugely significant. I haven’t seen such an influential transfer from one side to the other since Eric Cantona left Leeds for Man Utd.

11: I completely agree; if you distilled the Tory party down to its very essence, and turned it into a middle-aged white man, it would be Lee Anderson.


30p Lee, the six-bob knob - get the t-shirt!

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

NUMBER FIVE WITH ADDED RAGE

AN IDIOT'S GUIDE TO - joining the front lines of the culture war.​

​

How to be suitably enraged by the change of name for Black Boy Lane in Haringey.​

Are you desperate to join the front lines of the culture war, but struggling to know what you should be angry about, and for what reason?

Or are you irrationally angry at some things but need a better way to articulate your reasoning to the woke brigade who are obviously to blame? Then this guide is for you.

The culture war is being fought on every street of this country, and nowhere is it clearer than on what used to be called ‘Black Boy Lane’ in Haringey. The Wokeista mob have had it renamed La Rose Lane, because apparently ‘Black Boy Lane’ has some racial connotations. What snowflakes they all are.

This is your opportunity to join the front lines of the culture war, and dive in. You can show everyone you mean business and that the culture war infantry is choc full of competent soldiers, making well-thought-out arguments for their position, and finding a way to win with reason and facts.

Or, if that’s too difficult, you can simply follow our guide below instead, and still become a hero to culture warriors everywhere:

1: Lie about how much it cost. Money is a key driver for anger in the current economic climate, so if you can claim something you don’t like cost a lot of money, it will make all the right people angry. It doesn’t matter if it’s true, or if there is no evidence to back up your claim, just use a number like £180,000 and everyone will believe you.

2: Take offence at all the imaginary people who’ve taken offence. Claim the move happened because of angry woke snowflakes demanding the change. In the culture wars it’s always better to take a position against a hallucinated enemy you don’t actually name, because they can’t fight back.

3: Pretend it affects you personally in any way whatsoever. Someone will ask “why do you care about this, you live 400 miles away in your mum’s spare room?” – so be prepared to explain how changes like this filter through and make everyone’s life worse, including yours. Where does this end? With ZERO streets containing negative racial connotations? This country is going to the dogs.

4: Lie again about how much it costs. We can’t emphasise this enough. If it’s not getting the traction you need, add another £10k every time you mention it.

5: Draw an extremely tenuous line between changing the name of this road and all of society’s ills, as you perceive them. You can link any culture war issue to ANY other culture war issue, if you try hard enough. Be creative. The change of name of Black Boy Lane is very easy to link to migrant boats, for example. See our next point below.

6: Criticise the new name for Black Boy Lane – La Rose Lane – as being named after an immigrant, which is bad, obviously.

7: Did you know one of these immigrants committed a murder recently? Well, they did. It was in the news. This country has gone to the dogs. See how easy that was?

8: When the time comes that all of your positions have been shown to be false, or based on fake news, move on to the next culture war battle while claiming victory.

9: Lie again about how much it costs. See points 1 and 4 above.

10: Repeat ad-infinitum.

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

NUMBER SIX AND NASTY STUFF​

​

Are you suffering from fvcked-up right-wing dreams?​

The below guide will tell you if your subconscious is normal, or if you’re the kind of unloved damaged wretch that ends up writing for Unherd or Infowars.

1: I dream of inflicting humiliation and pain on someone I have never met.

[A]: This is a warning sign, and you should take it seriously, especially if coupled with a belief that acting like a massive hate filled cvnt is an enduring trait and not a rotting albatross wrapped around the necks of the poor sods you call a family. Honestly, you’re a wrong ‘un.

2: I am put in danger in convoluted situations that involve many disconnected acquaintances.

[A]: That is quite normal and is a simple manifestation of social anxiety. However, you should refrain from spending 45 minutes recounting these dreams in incredible detail to your husband especially if he’s knackered and watching Andor. Just saying.

3: I dream of seeing refugees put on a flight to Rwanda.

[A]: You suffer from a common condition called dullardus gigantis. It can be cured by reading good books, walking frequently and not trying to find some personal advantage in every human encounter. Don’t tell a soul about that dream. Actually, just stop talking.

4:I could be bounded in a nutshell, and count myself a king of infinite space – were it not that I have bad dreams.

[A]: You are a character in a dreary play by a tedious writer that English teachers mistakenly think is great. Don’t worry. Your problems will be over soon.

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

NUMBER SEVEN - YOUR TIMES UP

New health guidelines will put pictures of tramps on cans of alcohol.​

Pictures of a toothless man smashing his computer screen are to be put on cans of cider and Special Brew in the spring '23.

Citing the success of adding pictures of cancer patients to cigarettes as a warning, health watchdogs have suggested alcohol should be next.

Other forms of alcohol will also have warning images added, including a picture of Laurence Fox looking really gaunt and smashed on bottles of Dom Pérignon, a fat bloke in a stained check shirt on cans of Stella, and a shot of a middle-aged woman having it off with her Boxercise instructor on bottles of Prosecco.

Speaking for the NHS, Health department spokesman Dr Syk Bawztyred told us, “We really wanted to hit hard with our warnings on cigarette packets to bring home the effects.''

“And it’s the same here. For example, WKD will have a dramatic image of a 16-year old asleep in a puddle of their own sick, and bottles of gin will have a picture of a happy, relaxed woman smiling with eyes half-closed.”

“No, hang on, maybe we need to rethink that one.”

The NHS has welcomed the change, saying that if this works it’ll make working in A&E on Saturday night after chucking out time bearable for the first time in decades.

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

NUMBER EIGHT - IT ISN'T TOO LATE

A GUIDE: Five new bullshit controversies

Paranoid right-wing Britain's are being kept angry and fearful by endless fake stories.

Let them obsess about these next:

1: More things that aren’t going to be banned

Pure speculation is fine to get the next ‘banning’ controversy started. Could it be the word ‘man’? Classic war films like The Great Escape? Sausage sandwiches to pander to vegetarian fascists? Your only limit is your imagination, and your right-wing paranoia.

2: Something completely innocuous

Anything can be turned into a controversy if you try hard enough. Take charity shops. Are they a good way to raise money from perfectly reusable items, or are they a blight on Britain’s high streets with their manky old clothes and crap Doc Martin novels? Apparently they don’t have to pay tax or something, the fvcking do-gooding freeloaders.

3: What some random bell-end said on Twitter

Scour Twitter for someone with no followers and batshit opinions, e.g.. he should be allowed to marry his dog. Treat this as a genuine campaign likely to be enshrined in law, when it’s clearly just the ramblings of a lone nutter. Britain’s press will be happy to join in with headlines like ‘REVEALED: SICK PLANS TO MAKE YOU GIVE FIDO A BONE’.

4: What colour things should be

We’ve furiously debated the colour of post boxes, passports and trains, but that leaves a lot of other stuff. Traditional British cheeses like cheddar should clearly be a patriotic red, white and blue, and they could easily do it with a bit of food colouring. Set up a Facebook page about it – there are a lot of easily enraged old people with time on their hands there.

5: A brand new hate group

Hating ‘snowflakes’ and the 'Wokerati' is getting a bit old, so someone needs to come up with a new social group to pour scorn on. How about ‘laughtards’ – people who laugh or appear cheerful? Laughtards are a disgrace, particularly if you’re the sort of miserable fvcker who loves stupid controversies.

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

NUMBER NINE - SPITTING RAGE TIME

A gammon's guide to apologising without actually apologising​

Are you a racist elderly white man who has been forced to apologise simply for saying what everyone thinks?

Most gammons will have to go through this at some point in their lives; but worry not, this short guide has got you covered.

Apologising without saying sorry is a very fine balancing act.

It requires sufficient evidence of contrition to satisfy the baying mob, whilst also leaving enough ambiguity to ensure your real racist friends know you don’t mean a word of it.

Here are 4 top tips for apologising without apologising:

1: Do not use the word “sorry”. Ever. Under any circumstances. If you don’t actually say the word ‘sorry’, then you can never be accused of being sorry. It’s as clear an indication as it’s possible to give that your apology is actually a non-apology. Your supporters will love you for it.

2: Reference the unhappiness of others about whatever you said. Stating the demonstrable fact that lots of people are cross about something you’ve said will give the illusion that you give the tiniest of shlts what they think. “I can see that lots of people are unhappy with what I said” is a perfect way to state the obvious without acknowledging they have a point.

3: Explain the thing you did might have sounded bad, but it wasn’t meant to be bad. It doesn’t matter if you liken someone to a mass murderer, or express a wish for them to be covered in excrement in public, just explain that it sounds worse than it really is, and you didn’t mean it that way. You meant to compare them to a mass murderer in a nice way.

4: Do not, under any circumstances, say it won’t happen again. We all know that it will, because it’s in your nature. In fact, your racist supporters are banking on it happening, so use something woolly about maybe trying a bit harder, or something. But don’t promise anything.

Follow this guide and you too will be able to enjoy a consequence-free racist existence expressing whatever god-awful thing pops into your head in those dark sleepless nights.

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

NUMBER 10 - Fvcked up again

A Guide:

Do you feel the coronavirus is better tackled with St John’s Wort than modern medicine?

Here alternative health therapist Watta Thyko gives her advice.


1: Take an alternative vaccine

By ‘vaccine’ I mean ‘the usual herbal remedies garbage’, such as a mixture of ginseng, sage and cider vinegar. Smear some on your wrist rather than injecting it, which will give you a blood clot and kill you instantly.

2: Stay safe with a crystal

Alternative medicine scientists are far ahead of conventional ones and have invented a 100 per cent effective crystal that wards off coronavirus. These are available on my website, WattaThykoWiccanEarthPriestess.co.uk. They’re £44.95 to cover postage.

3: Blast the virus with a powerful homeopathic remedy

Find someone with coronavirus – maybe sneak into an intensive care unit – and stick a cotton wool bud up their nose. Put the infected item into a jar of water. Pour a drop of the water into a bucket of water, then put a drop of that into a bath of water. Repeat the last stage 500 times. You now have a super-powerful coronavirus killer.

4: Use fire cupping

Create low air pressure in a jar by putting a flame inside and quickly slam it on someone’s back. Your clients will already believe this removes ‘bad energy’ so will not realise it is nonsense.

5: Consult tree fairies

Nature sprites, pagan deities and angels should be treated with reverence in case they exist. I asked my Native American spirit guide Lolloping Wolf about coronavirus, and with the classic wisdom of the spirit realm he said: “Buy lots of paracetamol.”

TY@TDM

 

[Dropship]

The internet is the best doctor in town because we can look up our ailments and end up knowing more about them than the quacks, and can keep tabs on whether they're diagnosing and treating us correctly..