Charles Coronation Commemorative Crap

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Palace to release limited-edition commemorative replica of King Charles bowel movement​

The palace has confirmed that it will be releasing a limited-edition commemorative replica of King Charles’s morning bowel movement on the day of the coronation.

At 8am, King Charles will retire with his toilet assistants and move his bowels onto the ceremonial dumping plate. The dumping plate was a gift from King Gustav II of Sweden in 1678, and has been used by every King and Queen since then to curl one onto on the day of their investiture.

The royal deposit will then be frozen to prevent degeneration and rushed to a studio in Ruislip where skilled artisans will work quickly to produce an exact mould of the sovereign dump.

That mould will be used to create a series of 500 replicas cast in the highest quality bronze that will make a stunning centrepiece to any dining table or mantelpiece.

The replica defecation will be delivered in a presentation case with a certificate of authenticity, and will cost £150, including post and packaging.

To reserve your replica regal excretion, simply post a cheque or cash to the value of £150 into your toilet, and I’m sure it’ll sort itself out.

Following a query from MP Mark Francois, the palace has confirmed that the model will not feature any replica taste.

Long Live the Poo!

TY@NT

 

[Dropship]

Some years ago Charles visited Australia, and when he arrived back in England a TV interviewer asked him how the trip had gone, and he replied with a goodnatured smile "On the whole very good, although there were a few cries of 'pommy bastard'"..

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Yes, you may get pissed. Signed, The King​

King Charles III has confirmed that yes, his Coronation is one of those marvellous British occasions when you may drink lager before noon, by decree.

His Majesty has allowed his subjects to celebrate as they would at Christmas, Glastonbury or in an airport and to mark this historic moment with a glass of prosecco at 10am.

The King said: “Like many of my family and Auntie Margaret in particular, my subjects enjoy a tipple while the sun yet rises in the sky.

“Unlike her they are not Royal so cannot grant themselves that honour as she so often did. They must await significant occasions such as feast days, Glyndebourne or World Cup matches against Brazil in Japan.

“But today, the day of my Coronation as your King, all strictures are lifted. Aunties may drink Buck’s fizz with breakfast, men a craft ale, the young a pre-mixed can of cocktail, which I’m given to understand they enjoy.

“The procession begins at 6am, and if you feel drinking at that hour is correct then drink you may. By the time St Edward’s Crown is placed atop my head, be merry. When the Red Arrows flypast commences at 2.30pm, I expect the whole Commonwealth hammered.

“Have a drink. I’m going to. Do you know how long I’ve waited for this?”

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

This is nothing to do with me, God confirms​

Despite repeated mentions of the Holy Spirit and higher powers, God has confirmed that today’s proceedings have bugger all to do with him.

Talk of the divine right of kings and the monarch being subject to no earthly authority has escalated to such a pitch that the deity has felt the need to step in and dismiss it as a load of cobblers.

God said: “I didn’t mind being associated with it in 1953, but that was seven decades ago.

The world’s moved on and now all this nonsense just feels passé. Read the room, Charles.

“If he wants to put on his fancy gold hat and sit on the ancient chair or whatever then fine, but don’t attach my name to it is all I’m saying.

I didn’t choose the bloke. He just happened to be born into the most entitled family in the world.

“I do kind of like the fact that he’s inviting all faiths into it though.

All us deities are into that. Yeah, we chat, we’re friends. It’s you tedious little humans that fight over it.

“What’s that? You want my response on illness, famine and societal ills?

Sorry, the line’s got really bad, I can’t hear you.

Hello? Hello?”

God then made some unconvincing hissing and crackling noises and hung up.

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Charles the Last?

 

[breakwake_]

Was that toned down coronation ritual supposed to fill people with pride or shame?

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Well, that definitely made us feel better about the cost-of-living crisis.​

A multi-million pound ceremony to place a heavy hat on a man has really put the cost-of-living crisis into perspective, Britain has agreed.

Across the UK, whether an Aberdeen fisherman, a Belfast ship-worker or a single mother in Birmingham, Britons are delighted with the three-day celebration of one of the world’s richest men that their taxes paid for.

Kelly Howard, who works two minimum wage jobs, said: “To be honest, after the simplicity and ease of the global pandemic, cost of living’s been a bit of a thorn in my side.

“I’m unable to afford fresh food, rent’s up, the heating’s not been on since Christmas, the children wear rags, and it’s been making me feel a bit sorry for myself.

“But when King Charles III came rolling down the Mall in his golden carriage with all those lovely colourful soldiers, I suddenly realised that it’s not the NHS or social care that needs funding, but him and his lovely family. Especially Andrew.

“Watching them switch between crowns, each more elaborately bejewelled than the last, took my mind off the black mould creeping up every wall. The tradition, the pageantry, the sheer historical significance, it all left me quite light-headed. Or that could be hunger.”

She added: “What a marvellous occasion, and now a day off! Except for me. I work in retail and I’m paying out more than my wages in childcare.”

TY@TDM

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

What the f'uck happened behind those screens: an expose​

During the key moments of Saturday’s Coronation ceremony screens were erected around the King.

Here’s what really happened behind them:

Easing of the Ferret
When proclaimed King in the North in 944AD, Edmund of Wessex agreed that at every Coronation the ruler must lead the procession with a ferret down his trousers, for a laugh. Eschewed in 1953 for the protection of the Queen’s treasures, the tradition was revived and the Wigan-born black ferret was removed, thanked and its neck ceremonially broken.

Giving of the Vs
After a taxing morning of waving at mere subjects lining the streets and pretending assorted digitaries and freeloaders are of importance, the King and the Archbishop took a moment in privacy to flick V-signs at all the cretins who will never be as good as them. The Anglican prelate, depending on strength of feeling, may also have exposed his bare arse.

His Majesty’s Bong Hits
A spectacle like the Coronation, as many younger viewers can attest, is immeasurably improved by being so stoned you can barely blink. And, his buzz having worn off in the coach, King Charles hit the Blueberry Haze in a golden waterpipe studded with emeralds gifted to his ancestor after the Anglo-Persian War of 1856-57.

The Ritual of Drop and Cough
As happens behind screens in the GP’s surgery, Charles was required to disrobe. Constitutionally obliged to a medical to prove his fitness to be King, the monarch removed his clothing and allowed a stranger to cup his scrotum while he gave a discreet cough. A swift check of the Royal prostate and his clothes were popped back on.

The Replacing of the Monarch
The floor descended, and the human actor playing Charles was replaced by the nine-foot lizard from the Arcturus system who is our true ruler. Anointed and promised his pick of human babies to snack upon, he returned to the hollow earth where everyone agreed it was a marvellous occasion and doesn’t it make you proud.

TY@TDM