Budget supermarket

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

How to shop even more cheaply at your scummy budget supermarket, by a Tory minister​

By junior environment minister Nathan Muir

You aren’t struggling because of the cost of living crisis, it’s because you occasionally splash out on a tub of Lurpak.

Here’s my wildly out-of-touch take on shopping on a budget.

Stick to the value range
You are poor people, which means you must buy the cheapest food available. You know, the mysterious meat products that I wouldn’t even feed to my cat. What do you mean you already stick to the supermarket’s own brand? Stop moaning and buy some foul-smelling hotdogs in a jar that crumble in your mouth.

Never have any treats
If you don’t have a lot of money, get used to the fact that your life can only be a treadmill of disappointment and hardship. You must forego all the nice treaty things in the supermarket, despite the fact that they would make your kids happy. Put that Viennetta back, even if it’s only £1. You’re not worth it.

Look harder for bargains
My cleaner tells me if you wait until 9pm before doing your shopping, you might come across some items of food that have magic yellow stickers on, which means they are cheaper than usual. What do you mean, you’re too knackered to shop at that time after a long day at work, or doing two jobs to make ends meet? Pull your socks up, you lazy scum.

Shop somewhere even cheaper
If you’re struggling at Asda it’s nothing to do with rising prices and everything to do with your frivolous, wasteful lifestyle. Try shopping somewhere even cheaper, like Iceland. They don’t do fresh fruit and veg? Oh well, you’ve probably got scurvy anyway. Everyone knows low earners would only ingest a vitamin if it came as a dinosaur shape.

Hunt animals in the car park
If you really can’t afford to buy the food that’s inside the shop, why not trap and kill the wildlife you find outside it? There should be at least several pigeons and a large, meaty seagull. Use your initiative and entrepreneurial spirit, just like us Tories do. You can’t get enough fried chicken so what’s wrong with spicy seagull wings?

via ~ DailyRichMansWorld

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Unemployed man to stop buying his children fillet steak as genius MP advises families to buy ‘value brands’​

An unemployed father of three is to stop buying fillet steak for his children for their evening meal following some genius advice from an MP for families to consider buying ‘value brands’ instead.

Kriz Tawfoor-Bhumfayce, who also buys organically grown Jersey Royals and fresh tender stem broccoli to accompany the steak, revealed his news earlier after watching his hero MP George Eustice on TV providing desperate poverty stricken families with some amazing advice on how to do their shopping.

Speaking earlier he told us “I’d never realised that supermarkets do this thing where they have ‘value brands’ that are cheaper than the other brands. I honestly never even thought of buying cheaper brands, let alone ‘value brands’ the guy is a fucking genius.

“I normally like to have some fillet steak with the kids on a Monday, or perhaps a little line-caught fresh seabass with a nice bottle of Chateauneuf-du-Pape to wash it down.

“Then we go for a little duck al orange on a Tuesday just to mix things up a bit before deciding on a combination of lobster, steak, or caviar options throughout the week.

“Obviously it costs a lot of money and I have very little money in order to feed my family, but like I say, I’d simply never considered the idea of buying cheaper options because I’m clearly a fucking idiot.

“Thankfully, my hero, Mr Eustice has come on TV to give us this ingenious advice and we can now afford some heating for half an hour.”

Asked what they are having for their evening meal tonight we were told, “Non branded Super Noodles and sh** baked beans I suppose.”

via ~ Daily(In)Bread