Best Jokes

[LiveWales]

Doctor, doctor! I've a strawberry stuck in my ear!..............................Don't worry, I've some cream for that!

 

[LiveWales]

Doctor, doctor! Aaa, eee, I, oh! You................................I think you may have irritable vowel syndrome!

 

[PennyDreadful2]

A man walks into a bar, and asks for a double entendre.
"Certainly Sir" says the barman. "Would you like a large one?"

 

[LiveWales]

Why doesn't Ed have a girlfriend?.......................Because Sheeran!

 

[LadyOnArooftop]

I was disappointed with the winner of the funniest gag at this year's Edinburgh Festival Fringe.
"I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah."

I'm reminded of the joke voted the worlds best ever...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."
Watson: "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes: "Watson, you idiot, somebody's stolen our tent!"

 

[LadyOnArooftop]

On GBNews this morning...
A vegan and a vegetarian jump of a cliff to see who gets to the bottom first. Who wins?
.
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.
.
.
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. Society

 

[Billyliar]

I said good morning to a feminist today. Court case starts on Thursday

 

[TemptingEnigma]

What did the Scottish guy do with the trumpet buried in his garden?
He rooted it oot.

- Sanjeev Kohli (of Still Game fame)

 

[TemptingEnigma]

What is the difference between a Scottish sheep farmer and a Rolling Stones song?

One says, 'Hey you, get off of my cloud!", and the other says, 'Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!”

 

[LadyOnArooftop]

Bobby Davro on GBNews the other night... " I'm dating someone who is identifying as a wheelie bin, i'm not sure whether to take them out on
Monday or Tuesday"

 

[Dardii]

If you're American when you go in to the toilet, and American when you come out, then what are you when you're on the toilet?

You're a peein.

 

[LadyOnArooftop]

Bruce Devlin on GBNews last night... "When bedbugs bite you they turn red, filled up with blood - a bit like mobile hemorrhoids"

 

[deafsilentfem]

a rare sight to see