Apple CEO Tim Cook: reasons why your existing iPhone is now obsolete

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Apple’s Tim Cook unveils reasons why your current iPhone is already a piece of sh1t​

Apple CEO Tim Cook has unveiled a series of reasons why your existing iPhone is now disappointingly obsolete, and why you should immediately spend over £1,000 on the new iPhone 13 Pro.

Cook presented Apple’s new flagship mobile device at the launch event held at their HQ near San Francisco, an event which has become synonymous with Apple telling users exactly why their current devices and software were actually rubbish all along.

The new iPhone 13 is seen as the ‘biggest jump’ in making your existing iPhone obsolete since the original device was launched twelve years ago.

Cook opened the presentation by telling viewers at home that “iPhone 13 does all these really cool things, which you’re old one definitely doesn’t, so you should ditch it immediately.

“Such is the scale of advancements we’ve made, that 2021 Tim Cook would walk up to 2020 Tim Cook holding a bit ‘L’ on his forehead before giving him an atomic wedgie for having such a crappy iphone.

“Getting our users locked into a two-year contract on a device which is obsolete within a year, is the Apple way, and we’ve really outdone ourselves this time.”

Among the improvements are features that users of phones not made by Apple have benefited from for years, such as a nicer screen, being even more waterproof, and not needing to plug it in every single bloody hour.

Cook added, “With the same all-day battery, our new iPhone 13 users will be able to keep their disinterested friends bored by demoing the new iPhone for hours on end.

“And if you think the 13 is a sh** name, wait until you hear about the 13 Pro.”

via - Tech Thump

 

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Why i wont buy apple

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

iPhone 101 to include revolutionary arsehole recognition technology​

The new iPhone 101 will recognise the unique arsehole signature of its users and automatically log them in, according to details released today.

Despite a new screen, processor and 5G also being included in the new device, the revolutionary arsehole scanning technology is what has excited fans and analysts alike.

Describing the feature as ‘arsehole recognition’, CEO Tim Cook said the ground-breaking new system was aimed directly at the sort of person who has the latest Apple device and thinks it in some way makes them special or interesting.

Two cameras mounted to the device will create an ‘in depth’ picture of the specific arsehole characteristics of its user in 4D, and will use that profile to recognise them again, from any and all angles.

“We call this radical new technology ‘bumprint’,” he said, awaiting applause from the various staff and reporters sat watching online at home.

“Whilst there may be some initial and short-term discomfort in creating your personal bum profile, from all the required angles, we’re confident that due to so many of our users walking around with a stick up their arse, they won’t notice there’s a phone there as well after a while.

“From then on you’ll be able to sign in quickly and easily at any time you’ve not got any underwear on.”

When asked if the phone will be able to tell if its owner had enough arsehole for the phone to instantly recognise them, Mr Cook confirmed that the act of paying over two thousand quid's for the damn thing made that the easiest part of the whole process.

via - News Arse