Amazon reviews

Discussion in 'General' started by Lucylockett, Nov 21, 2020 at 12:34 AM.

  1. Lucylockett

    Lucylockett UKChat Familiar

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    Amazon shopping reviews are more entertaining than Netflix


    I’m struggling to recover after reading this .....

    Veet for men
    After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.
    Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.
    I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.
    I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn' have long to wait.
    At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
    Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg.
    Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.
    I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me.
    The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn'nt managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.
    I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.
    This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
    This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
    The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn'nt heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.
    I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasent the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.
     
  2. Lucylockett

    Lucylockett UKChat Familiar

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    Sugar free gummy bears are also a must read !
     
  3. LadyOnArooftop

    LadyOnArooftop UKChat Expert

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    Saw this car advert in a group I frequent, and anyone who's ever bought a car for their child will empathise with it.

    "This car belonged to my 19 year old son, who now has a new car, I can only apologise for the state of it, OK, the passenger side has a large dent on it , where my son tried to climb the corner of my house, the drive way is only 10 feet wide after all. The clutch is now slipping, he did not know this, as loud music is the preferred thing, and could not hear it slipping, he just wondered why it took him longer to get up a hill.
    Surprisingly the electric windows still work well, considering the amount of times they go up and down calling to his mates, and banter with the passing girls, many of whom have been taken for rides in the car, which may explain the passenger seat not moving back and forth anymore.
    There may or may not be any oil and water in the car, despite me repeatedly telling him to make sure it was maintained, I believe he thought this meant sitting in it on the driveway listening to his music whilst having a smoke, he would have washed it occasionally, but said 'not really worth it now is it dad as its got a big dent on it'. and anyway, surely I would know if it needed oil, the red light would come on.
    There may be the odd ripple in the front of the bonnet, but according to my son that was there when it was bought for him, and nothing to do with him sitting and chilling on it, It does have the other alloy wheel in the boot, with a puncture. The rear of the car is in fact a large dustbin for discarded fruit, and McDonald's, not for carrying passengers, but still he says he's loving it. It's now down to me to dispose of this wonderful car I bought him, now he has a new one, he thinks that you just leave it parked on the side of the road until someone comes and takes it.
    I offer absolutely no warranty with this car, and many thanks for looking."
     
  4. Lucylockett

    Lucylockett UKChat Familiar

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    Lol brilliant!
     
  5. VanishingCastle

    VanishingCastle UKChat Newbie

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    erm, maybe don't arrange a viewing.
     
  6. WickedPerdition

    WickedPerdition I NEED TO GROW UP

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    This is a review from the American Amazon site. I've even included a pic to show that it is authentic. Short, but kind of pithy, I think. ;)


    [​IMG]
     
    LadyOnArooftop likes this.

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