Kev45
A beautiful sunset that was mistaken for a dawn.
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WHAT trends can we expect in the new year, especially if you’re a gammon? Here Roy Hobbs takes a peek into the future and does not like what he sees.
Beer will be sold in centilitres
Despite the best efforts of sensible gammons to make businesses waste billions converting Britain back to the imperial system, the woke brigade will win out and get rid of pints. We’ll be forced to drink our Stella Artois and Heineken in confusing European metric volumes, which just isn’t right. It’s no exaggeration to say it will be like living in a dictatorship.
Football will be banned
Along with anything else that brings straight white men, the most oppressed of all groups, any joy whatsoever. Sure, they’ll think of excuses like the risk of head injuries or a bit of harmless violence on the terraces, but the real reason is we’re not allowed to have fun. Expect further bans on darts, barbecues and watching James May’s Biggest Lorries.
All women on TV will be blokes
If Doctor Who is anything to go by, soon all women on telly will secretly be blokes. Of course, they’ll say it’s about wanting to be comfortable in their own bodies or whatever, but transgender people are obviously only doing it to trick men like me into fancying them. Personally, I don’t think they’ve been given enough grief about it recently, so it’s time to ban them and get back to proper TV birds like Melinda Messenger.
Sadiq Khan will become president for life
People say gammons is irrationally obsessed with Khan, but he’s clearly a power-crazed maniac – who, but a madman could have thought of ULEZ? I reckon he’ll take over and rename England ‘Everyonewelcomeland’, then he’ll give workshy scroungers massive salaries to sit at home, make you live in your shed, so an asylum seeker can have your house, and probably ban pets. I’m not sure why he’d do any of this, but he might. God, I hate him.
My wife will leave me for a woman
Not because she wants to, but because she’ll be brainwashed by short-haired feminist lesbians into a life of homosexuality. That’s never going to work because if two women get married who’ll reach things on the top shelf? Also, they’ll spend all their time arguing over who gets to do the housework. 2023 was bad enough when I imagined I’d have to become a drag queen instead of a van driver, but if this is what 2024’s like, I’m going to hibernate.
Beer will be sold in centilitres
Despite the best efforts of sensible gammons to make businesses waste billions converting Britain back to the imperial system, the woke brigade will win out and get rid of pints. We’ll be forced to drink our Stella Artois and Heineken in confusing European metric volumes, which just isn’t right. It’s no exaggeration to say it will be like living in a dictatorship.
Football will be banned
Along with anything else that brings straight white men, the most oppressed of all groups, any joy whatsoever. Sure, they’ll think of excuses like the risk of head injuries or a bit of harmless violence on the terraces, but the real reason is we’re not allowed to have fun. Expect further bans on darts, barbecues and watching James May’s Biggest Lorries.
All women on TV will be blokes
If Doctor Who is anything to go by, soon all women on telly will secretly be blokes. Of course, they’ll say it’s about wanting to be comfortable in their own bodies or whatever, but transgender people are obviously only doing it to trick men like me into fancying them. Personally, I don’t think they’ve been given enough grief about it recently, so it’s time to ban them and get back to proper TV birds like Melinda Messenger.
Sadiq Khan will become president for life
People say gammons is irrationally obsessed with Khan, but he’s clearly a power-crazed maniac – who, but a madman could have thought of ULEZ? I reckon he’ll take over and rename England ‘Everyonewelcomeland’, then he’ll give workshy scroungers massive salaries to sit at home, make you live in your shed, so an asylum seeker can have your house, and probably ban pets. I’m not sure why he’d do any of this, but he might. God, I hate him.
My wife will leave me for a woman
Not because she wants to, but because she’ll be brainwashed by short-haired feminist lesbians into a life of homosexuality. That’s never going to work because if two women get married who’ll reach things on the top shelf? Also, they’ll spend all their time arguing over who gets to do the housework. 2023 was bad enough when I imagined I’d have to become a drag queen instead of a van driver, but if this is what 2024’s like, I’m going to hibernate.