Kev45
Fluffy elephants dance on candyfloss pink clouds.
- Joined
- Nov 2, 2022
- Messages
- 1,559
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HAVE you ever wondered what it’s like being a permanently furious gammon? Always angry, Aldous Locke, describes a typical day.
11.30am. Read the Daily Express over brunch after finally crawling out of my pit after a very long night being angry. Apparently, the EU wants to ban Toblerones three years after we officially left the EU. Have we even left the EU? I haven’t even finished my eggy soldiers, and I’m already furious.
1pm Arrive at my office in Chester. Lucy asks if I want a cup of tea. Then reminds me again that I was made redundant two years ago. The way women are these days, I’m lucky she didn’t sue me for sexual harassment just for forgetting that I don't work there any more.
4pm. Go outside for a cigarette. Get furious again when I imagine, in graphic detail, Chester becoming a multicultural hellhole with a mosque and a scooter gang on every corner.
6pm. Dinner. Have pork pie, mushy peas, and oven chips, real British grub and before pork pies are banned to avoid offending The People We’re Not Allowed To Talk About. Vein in my neck really pulsating now.
7pm. Get the cream crackers out and a nice slab of Brie, no foreign muck in this house, and spend the evening relaxing online on BBC comments under my username ‘SodOffAngelaRayner’. Put a few millennial snowflakes to rights about how easy they’ve got it these days.
9pm. Supper with my own shadow, in my large house, that’s quadrupled in value due to buying at the right time. Remember how oppressed I am and am forced to have another large glass of Merlot to calm down.
10pm. Turn on BBC Question Time in Chester. Whenever the single snowflake panellist says anything, at all, I shout ‘RUBBISH! BLOODY RUBBISH!’. It’s about time these quisling traitor bastards were made to listen to reason.
12.30am. Log on again. This is where the real work begins, shouting at random strangers online. No idea why, but I feel too angry to sleep for some reason.
4.30am. Finally stagger to bed drunk and exhausted and pledging to myself to do it all again tomorrow, or is it today, what day is it do you know, I have no idea?
11.30am. Read the Daily Express over brunch after finally crawling out of my pit after a very long night being angry. Apparently, the EU wants to ban Toblerones three years after we officially left the EU. Have we even left the EU? I haven’t even finished my eggy soldiers, and I’m already furious.
1pm Arrive at my office in Chester. Lucy asks if I want a cup of tea. Then reminds me again that I was made redundant two years ago. The way women are these days, I’m lucky she didn’t sue me for sexual harassment just for forgetting that I don't work there any more.
4pm. Go outside for a cigarette. Get furious again when I imagine, in graphic detail, Chester becoming a multicultural hellhole with a mosque and a scooter gang on every corner.
6pm. Dinner. Have pork pie, mushy peas, and oven chips, real British grub and before pork pies are banned to avoid offending The People We’re Not Allowed To Talk About. Vein in my neck really pulsating now.
7pm. Get the cream crackers out and a nice slab of Brie, no foreign muck in this house, and spend the evening relaxing online on BBC comments under my username ‘SodOffAngelaRayner’. Put a few millennial snowflakes to rights about how easy they’ve got it these days.
9pm. Supper with my own shadow, in my large house, that’s quadrupled in value due to buying at the right time. Remember how oppressed I am and am forced to have another large glass of Merlot to calm down.
10pm. Turn on BBC Question Time in Chester. Whenever the single snowflake panellist says anything, at all, I shout ‘RUBBISH! BLOODY RUBBISH!’. It’s about time these quisling traitor bastards were made to listen to reason.
12.30am. Log on again. This is where the real work begins, shouting at random strangers online. No idea why, but I feel too angry to sleep for some reason.
4.30am. Finally stagger to bed drunk and exhausted and pledging to myself to do it all again tomorrow, or is it today, what day is it do you know, I have no idea?
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