2010: a dozen years

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Bad things still the fault of people who left government twelve years ago, confirm Tories​

Anything good happening in the country is thanks to us, and anything bad is the fault of the government that left power in 2010, the Tories has confirmed today.

Speaking to reporters ahead of this months local elections, backbench MP Simon Williams said that his government’s record on anything you are personally unhappy with in the last twelve years, including the cost of living crisis, inflation, wage stagnation, the housing crisis and massive government debt is all down the previous Labour government.

He explained, “Look, we’ve had a dozen years to enact policies that allowed us to meet our forecasts and numerous pledges to the country, but for the most part, we haven’t done that – because of Labour.

“I mean, yes, technically the mess they left behind in 2010 hasn’t changed one bit since that day, and when we took over in 2010 and said we would fix it – but that’s irrelevant.

“And I also know we’ve said many times during the last twelve years that we would make everything better – and we haven’t done that either. But again – and I do hate to sound like a stuck record, but that’s all Labour’s fault.

“Let’s not focus on the specifics of why it’s Labour’s fault, because then you’ll realise you’ve had a dozen years of us saying we know what the problem is and how to fix it, and yet haven’t actually fixed the many numerous problem.

“So, I reiterate, it’s all Labour’s fault. Unless what you are hearing is good news, then that bit was all us.”

Via ~ DailyOdiousFuckers

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

How to rip a dickhead a new arsehole, by Susanna Reid​

Want to hold arseholes to account?

No-nonsense Good Morning Britain presenter Susanna Reid shows you how:

Prepare
You wouldn’t run a marathon without training, so you shouldn’t take on the country’s biggest twat without practice. I’ve been honing my craft for years by sitting next to a succession of s.hit-for-brains blowhards so my derisive tone and Paddington-style hard stares are ready. And my endurance for being cut off by knobheads has never been higher.

Interview them on TV
Humiliating a dickhead is all well and good, but what’s the point if nobody sees it? For maximum damage, make sure you’re the presenter of a morning news programme. This way the whole nation will witness the destruction of the prick, and with any luck it will influence the upcoming local election they were clearly trying to salvage.

Ask probing questions
Dickheads tend to avoid scrutiny by hiding in fridges or only agreeing to appear on the BBC. But ITV is like international waters: anything goes. You can even get away with asking them about what a 77-year-old pensioner should cut back on to afford the cost of living. ‘High-wage, high-skilled jobs’ is apparently the answer.

Let them speak
Putting tricky questions to dickheads is only part of the battle. Your secret weapon is actually letting them answer and watching in fascination as they f.uck up. For me witnessing the prime minister gloat about giving starving pensioners free bus passes is better than sex.

Call them out on their bullshit
Finish your opponent by holding them to account on their bollocks. It helps if you build up to your killing blow with an opening question that can be referred back to to add insult to injury. You might almost feel a glimmer of remorse as you look down on their utterly defeated corpse, but remember: the dickhead deserves it.

via ~ DailyFuckUp