Which Tory MP should you buy?

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

A guide to the best corrupt Conservatives for every budget​

Compare the market and discover the best buys for big spenders and thrifty corrupters alike.

Top End

Jacob Rees-Mogg: A famously lazy man who already has a castle, it takes a pretty penny to get him away from his nanny’s teat. But he does offer a premium product and will stand languidly and claim your decision to put arsenic in baby food was “utterly sound”.
Cost: £50,000-a-day and the right to f.uck your swans on their wedding night.

Boris Johnson: Fancy a Latin-spewing buffoon to distract from your company’s dealings with war criminals? Then Boris is the man for you. Cost: 19 child support payments of £7500 to be sent directly and discreetly to the mothers.

Mid Range

Kwazi Kwarteng: Want the advice of a man whose first policy announcement tanked an entire economy? No, neither do we, but apparently, he’s up for grabs. Cost: £10,000 a month, but if you just stay quiet, he’ll keep dropping his fee in two-thousand pound increments like the expert negotiator he so clearly is.

Matt Hancock: Same as above, but he’s actually managed to kill a lot of people.

Budget Level

Lee Anderson: Are you a neo-nazi who wants some exposure for your scooter club? Lee will put on a twattish boxing pose for the price of what he calls “a slap-up feast.” Despire claiming you can cook a full and health meal for 30p, he will want paying a little bit more than that. Cost: 75p

Mark Francois: Mark’s official daily rate is “one hundred proud British pounds” but calling him General Francois will net you a steep discount. Happy to spout evidence-free assertions that fall apart under the lightest scrutiny, all for very little money indeed.
Cost: £9.50 and your dignity

Jonathan Gullis: Jonathan will eagerly fight your corner with all the panache of a bricklayer conducting brain surgery. He has no problem being wrong about everything coming out of his mouth, and after a quick call from our editor, he was more than happy to debase himself on video by calling his constituents scumbags, savages and drug dealers – still one of the best £50s we’ve ever spent.

Nadine Dorries: Once she’s bought, Nads will stop at nothing to fight your cause. She needs no briefing and has no morals. Value for money, indeed. Cost: £500 a day and 6 bottles of Aldi white Lambrusco per morning worked quite well.

TY@NT

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

‘I’m not a liar’ lies lying Boris Johnson the lying liar​

Boris Johnson has insisted today that he is not a liar in any way, shape or form, which is, of course, a lie, thus proving that he is a liar.

Following the publication today of the report by the Privileges Committee, which concluded that he is indeed a lying bastard, the former Prime Minister has defended himself by lying that he is not a liar.

Telling lies earlier, he told us, “I’m not a liar actually, so there.

“I mean, granted, that’s actually a lie in itself because everyone knows that I am, but what I mean is that I don’t always lie, all the time.

“So you can’t just say I am a liar per se, it’s just that I don’t tell the truth on lots of occasions and that’s different to actually telling lies.

“And lots of the lies I say are also written down, and therefore I didn’t say them, I just wrote them down, for other people to say or to read, so I’m not actually telling lies again there, either.

“Apart from when I am the one reading them out in Parliament, but then I’m not lying, I’m just reading out words, so I can’t really be blamed for that.”

Asked when the last time he actually told the truth he revealed, “Yesterday.

“Actually that’s a lie, I think it was a few months ago now when I said Matt Hancock was useless.”

TY@NT

 

[Dropship]

I bet when the Speaker calls the names of politicians in the Commons, most of them accidentally say "Not guilty" as a reflex action.