What to do if asylum seekers invade your retirement bungalow.

[SamBally]

ARE you a fearful older voter obsessed with asylum seekers thanks to the tabloids? Here’s what to do if hordes of them arrive in your cul-de-sac.

Train your Yorkshire terrier as a guard dog

Retiree pets like Yorkies and West Highland Whites aren’t as intimidating as a 90-pound Doberman. But once the yappy little bastards start barking they won’t shut up, forcing marauding asylum seekers to flee before they get a migraine.

Pick off home invaders one-by-one

When the asylum seekers break-in, you’ll have to assume the role of John McClane. Wear your comfiest slippers for maximum stealth. You won’t have a Heckler & Koch machine gun, but you can probably dispatch them with a blow from a Royal Doulton figurine.

Don’t call the police

The police are ridiculously politically correct these days, so when asylum seekers take over your home, coppers will accept their word over yours and believe YOU stole it from THEM. That’s what your brother-in-law Geoff says on Facebook, anyway.

Form a Dad’s Army

Be ready for the terrifying mob that exists only in your imagination by setting up a local militia. You won’t have to actually fight anyone and it’s a fitting tribute to proper comedy, not like the rubbish you get nowadays. Also drilling with a broom handle for a gun will be a nice change from watering the tomatoes.

Set up Home Alone-style boobytraps

You’ve got a half-empty can of paint and some gardening tools you never use, so create a deadly spiked weapon that swings down your hallway if someone sets off a tripwire. Just don’t accidentally murder yourself while going for a wee in the night.

Monitor the situation constantly

Like a battlefield general you need high-grade intelligence about the enemy’s movements, so study the Daily Express and Mail every day. Also, peer out of your windows all the time. That asylum seeker might just be an Asian postman, but phone the Home Office anyway.

 

[SamBally]

THE UK has realised that it can only hold seven ongoing Tory scandals in its mind at once, so is forgetting at least another seven.

Voters who can remember Partygate have forgotten about PPE fraud, or those who recall Rishi Sunak’s green card can no longer sum up what this Rwanda thing is.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “Your short-term memory is limited. Our capacity for scandal is infinite.
“Just this weekend, when a Tory defended another Tory who’s been convicted of child abuse, you completely forgot about a KGB agent’s son joining the House of Lords.

“That despicable prick Andrew Bridgen lied under oath? Whoops, you’ve got no recollection of why fuel prices are so high. It just seems normal to you. You’re still too f**ked off about Sir Gavin f**king Williamson. See?

“Next week Priti Patel runs over a swan, Jacob Rees-Mogg claims to be the risen Christ, and Russia releases footage of Boris chopping lines with Rishi in Putin’s Swiss dacha. You’ll be like ‘inflation? Whassat?’”

Red Wall voter Ryan Whittaker said: “It is true that I’ve forgotten more Tory scandals than I remember. But it is fixed in my mind that I hate the twats.”

 

[SamBally]

Failure to build affordable housing is offset by austerity deaths of those who needed affordable housing, insists government.​

The government has insisted that thanks to austerity it has successfully achieved its target of creating 200,000 affordable homes – despite not bothering to actually build any.

A government plan to build 200,000 affordable homes has resulted in exactly no homes being constructed. The scheme was announced by David Cameron in 2015 as part of the Conservatives’ ‘Poor people please vote for us’ initiative.

“This simply isn’t an issue,” said a spokesman for the Department of Lies and False Promises.

“This housing requirement has been more than netted off by all the people killed under our robust austerity policies.

“People get far too hung up on the ‘provision of services’ side of the equation – be it housing, hospitals or whatever.

“We’ve been successfully focussing on the ‘need for services’ component – if fewer people need these things then the result is much the same.

“It’s a bit like having an infestation of hungry ants in the kitchen.

“You could either start putting lots of sticky buns outside the back door or you could just boil the kettle and pour it down their nest.

“Either way – no more unhappy ants.”

Political Analyst Simon Williams thinks that the failure of this housing policy is all pretty par for the course.

“The commitment on affordable housing formed part of a Tory election manifesto – it was therefore never going to actually happen, obviously,” Simon pointed out.

“I mean, I’m not really sure why this is in the news.”