Things no man can keep secret.

[SamBally]

IT’S said that women make the best spies because they don’t have a compulsion to blurt out information like men do. They certainly struggle with these topics…

Gifts

Having purchased a gift for his partner a man’s willpower will be stretched to the limit trying to contain the information. If the gift was bought at a bargain price – he thinks he’s incredibly shrewd for noticing a ‘reduced’ sticker – anyone on social media will know about it before he leaves the store.


Anyone they’ve sh*gged

Knowing they’ve sh*gged someone tries to get out of a man’s brain like xenomorph blood burning a hole in the Nostromo. The sh*ggee doesn’t matter, an entirely predictable bunk-up with a colleague who clearly always fancied him will be related with the same pride as bedding Scarlett Johansson, the young Brigitte Bardot, and Helen of Troy simultaneously.

Plot twists

Various options exist. There’s the relatively subtle ‘I’m not spoiling anything, but pay attention to this next scene’. Or there’s the comprehensive film-ruiner ‘Ben Affleck didn’t do all that stuff to his wife, she’s a psycho. If your male partner was a spy, the enemy could save time by not torturing him for information and just asking him not to give anything away.

Somebody else’s secret

Being entrusted with someone else’s secret will turn a man into him into an incontinent blabbermouth, saying things like: ‘I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but…’ and ‘Strictly between you, me and the bedpost, did you know…’ He will then have the nerve to claim women are terrible gossips.

Events in his bowels


Certain men feel a sense of triumph at creating a particularly noxious fart, and this achievement should be shared throughout the land. As should birthing a very large t*rd, which basically just means you’ve eaten too much. Expect excessive detail it will be very hard to forget, eg. ‘The tip was poking out of the water like a plesiosaur!’

His opinion

A man’s opinion is something that should never be kept secret, in his opinion. Given his in-depth knowledge of everything from military tactics to what’s in a pork pie via cold fusion and the career of Clare Grogan, it’s frankly amazing he hasn’t been elected President of Planet Earth.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

'Nice piece of kit': Things men say to feel like proper blokes​

Insecure about your masculinity?

Start saying these phrases to sound like a proper blokey geezer:

‘Nice piece of kit’
A handy catch-all phrase which can be used to admire an Airfix model of an aircraft carrier or a Black & Decker strimmer. Crucially though this phrase is devoid of any sentimentality. All you’re doing is giving a curt nod of approval while maintaining a healthy emotional distance, just like your dad when his grandson was born.

‘See the game last night?’
Nice and open-ended so that the recipient can reply with comments about their sport of choice. Naturally you’ll be up to date with all the latest results because you are a proper man, so asking this question won’t trip you up. Unless they like women’s football, in which case there will be a long, awkward silence.

‘You’ve burnt out the alternator’
The perfect comment for when someone is complaining about their car. Not only does saying this establish you as an alpha male who knows his way around engines, it also slyly mocks the person with motor troubles. Deliver this phrase with a condescending tone that implies ‘this is so obvious it hurts’ for maximum masculinity.

‘Don’t get many of them to the pound’
Equally suitable for use at the greengrocers or when assessing the heft of a woman’s bust, but only mutter it to yourself or a friend with an air of ironic detachment or you come across as a disgusting letch. Which is exactly what you are, but for the sake of public decency try to make it less glaring.

‘Guv’ or 'Mate'
This form of address is as manly as a pint of bitter or a trip to the bookies. Call someone ‘guv’or 'mate' and watch as they start to regard you as a king among men who probably knows how to plaster a wall. If you’re disembarking from a bus in the West Country or Wales, say ‘drive’ instead to guarantee a warm ‘cheerio’ from the gent behind the wheel.

Nothing at all
Words are inherently effeminate. That’s why they’re used by Jane Austen and Emily Brontë in their soppy romance novels. To sound like a proper bloke you should forego them altogether and sit there silently with your arms folded. Don’t even risk saying anything witty or you’ll end up sounding like beta cuck puff Oscar Wilde.

via ~ DailyJumpersForGoalposts

 

[TheBabayaga]

IT’S said that women make the best spies because they don’t have a compulsion to blurt out information like men do. They certainly struggle with these topics…

Gifts

Having purchased a gift for his partner a man’s willpower will be stretched to the limit trying to contain the information. If the gift was bought at a bargain price – he thinks he’s incredibly shrewd for noticing a ‘reduced’ sticker – anyone on social media will know about it before he leaves the store.


Anyone they’ve sh*gged

Knowing they’ve sh*gged someone tries to get out of a man’s brain like xenomorph blood burning a hole in the Nostromo. The sh*ggee doesn’t matter, an entirely predictable bunk-up with a colleague who clearly always fancied him will be related with the same pride as bedding Scarlett Johansson, the young Brigitte Bardot, and Helen of Troy simultaneously.

Plot twists

Various options exist. There’s the relatively subtle ‘I’m not spoiling anything, but pay attention to this next scene’. Or there’s the comprehensive film-ruiner ‘Ben Affleck didn’t do all that stuff to his wife, she’s a psycho. If your male partner was a spy, the enemy could save time by not torturing him for information and just asking him not to give anything away.

Somebody else’s secret

Being entrusted with someone else’s secret will turn a man into him into an incontinent blabbermouth, saying things like: ‘I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but…’ and ‘Strictly between you, me and the bedpost, did you know…’ He will then have the nerve to claim women are terrible gossips.

Events in his bowels


Certain men feel a sense of triumph at creating a particularly noxious fart, and this achievement should be shared throughout the land. As should birthing a very large t*rd, which basically just means you’ve eaten too much. Expect excessive detail it will be very hard to forget, eg. ‘The tip was poking out of the water like a plesiosaur!’

His opinion

A man’s opinion is something that should never be kept secret, in his opinion. Given his in-depth knowledge of everything from military tactics to what’s in a pork pie via cold fusion and the career of Clare Grogan, it’s frankly amazing he hasn’t been elected President of Planet Earth.

wow, how come you know me so well?

 

[Storm]

Let's face it they just have to brag to there mates can't keep there gob shut that why when they cheat it's always come out lol