The Gravy Train

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Energy bosses brace themselves for huge rise in bonuses​

CEOs of all the energy companies in the UK are bracing themselves for the huge bonuses coming their way this year.

Lord Simon Williams, CEO of GravyTrainEnergy plc, said, “Many energy companies have gone bust this year, so there is much less choice for the customers when they select who to be taken advantage of this year.

“Conversely, at least the same amount of energy will be consumed by the country, at much higher prices. Luckily, that means the fat cat bonus system for energy bosses is now to be shared by a much, much smaller group of us, unfortunately resulting in inevitable record bonus payouts.

“With the wholesale price of energy being well-documented, such as in our clever crocodile tears marketing strategy, we are trying our level best to ensure we get all of our customers’ pay packet rather than just, say, the large majority of it.

“We’re all being adversely affected by these prices. The general populace is having to find around 54% more to pay the higher prices whereas energy company top brass are finding it EXTREMELY difficult to find trousers with pockets deep enough to be able to put the record-high bonuses we will be awarding ourselves this year.

“With property prices so high, we wouldn’t want our customers – certainly not the poorer ones – to be able to buy a home AND keep it warm.

“Don’t worry, we’ll be able to help, as the heat generated from all us lot rubbing our hands together in expectation will keep the country warm right through to the end of the year.”

via ~ Daily IceCold

 

[SamBally]

You read my mind, again. Thanks for posting a grown-up take on it, albeit satire, without blaming the undeserving poor, immigrants, refugees, scroungers, beggars, travelers, welfare benefit fraudsters, commies, lefties, and single mothers, dogs bizarrely, and even next doors parrot.

Don't mention how the major utility companies have drastically cut storage capacity, while collectively they pocketed billions. Nor how the much shouted about £200 "discount" announced today by the next PM, Rishi Sunak, is actually only a loan.

Energy bills alone are estimated to rise by an average of £700 + and people who already struggle to pay the bills will be entitled to a maximum of £350.


Torynomics.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Government announces support for rising energy costs.

For example if you’re a fraudster they’ll simply write it off.

-hignfy

 

[SamBally]

British Gas release Hibernation advice.​

British Gas has issued a helpful infographic for those consumers looking to avoid the way-above-inflation utility bill price rises coming into effect.
Outlined below, the graphic shows in easy-to-read format the steps required in order to avoid paying the higher tariffs on your utility bills.

 

[SamBally]

Energy suppliers urged to come up with something good this time.​

After profit margins soared amongst privatised energy suppliers, Ofgem has encouraged them to come up with something better than ‘wholesale prices’ this time.

With most firms now making £125 in profit per customer per year, some have suggested that we could keep warm this winter simply by burning energy supplier executives.

“Sure, it’s not particularly green, but it’s recycling at its best. We’d take the dregs of human society and use them to keep energy bills low for old people. It’s got to be worth exploring, right?”

Creative teams across all energy suppliers are working around the clock to come up with plausible reasons for such a dramatic improvement in profitability in such times of austerity that don’t make them seem like profiteering shits.

An industry insider told us, “It’s brainstorming, and so there are no bad ideas at this stage, but our whiteboard currently includes the phrases ‘it’s because Jesus likes Gas’ and ‘We were visited by the electricity fairy’.”

Energy firms profits​

Energy regulator Ofgem has been encouraged to maybe think about doing something about the increased profits being made when household bills are at an all-time high, and says it will take the suggestion under advisement.

A spokesperson for the regulator said, “But they’re so much bigger than us, are you really going to make me go over there and start a fight with them?”

Energy consumer Michelle Davis told us, “You know what I’d like to see? Just once the headline, ‘Energy firm withdraws shareholder dividends after realising energy is a public necessity and not a consumer choice’.”

“But I won’t hold my breath.”

 

[SamBally]

Prices are yet to reflect the contempt we have for you, warns British Gas.​

British Gas has warned that their current prices do not fully reflect the contempt with which they hold their customers, advising them to expect a big fat hike to redress the situation.

The company’s owners Centrica will soon begin to show their absolute disdain for the population in these times of economic peril by replacing prices that merely threaten the quality of life for their customers with prices that will now threaten their very existence.

“Well some idiot announced a price cut last year and people were actually beginning to think we were nice people,” a spokesperson revealed.

“So now we are clarifying our position by announcing these hikes just when the government’s austerity measures are beginning to have an effect.”

Questions!

“I sincerely hope that this will suppress any lingering questions about what kind of company we operate,” he continued.

“The answer, of course, being a very opportunistic but profitable one that is paying for my holiday to the Bahamas, thank you very much.”

Centrica has also threatened to close one of its gas fields in Morecambe Bay, claiming that it does not make enough money and that unemployment figures are too low in the area for their liking.