Strangled

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Keir Starmer strangled Geronimo the alpaca, and other lies Boris can say at PMQs​

Geronimo being removed for strangulation. Rope already in place.


You can say what you want in Parliament and they can’t touch you for it, as Boris Johnson proved when calling Labour’s front bench drug addicts.

Today’s lies are:

Keir Starmer strangled Geronimo the alpaca
As former director of public prosecutions, Sir Keir Starmer remains Britain’s official hangman and camelid executioner. Starmer strode into the poor animal’s enclosure, wearing a black hood, and compressed its airways with his leather-gloved hands until dead. Saying this is allowed.

Angela Rayner’s smacked up
Labour deputy leader Angela Rayner seems suspiciously calm in interviews when compared to normal, sensible politicians like Nadine Dorries. Parliamentary privilege means that there’s no issue stating outright that she is on heroin, or adding ‘her accent is proof’.

Keir Starmer actively covered up Jimmy Savile’s crimes
Not only did Starmer not prosecute Savile, he was a co-conspirator, covered up his crimes and tricked poor, helpless innocents like the Queen and Lady Thatcher into friendships with the monster. He should be charged with those crimes. Call me a liar and you’ll be kicked out.

Ed Miliband blocked the Suez Canal
The Evergreen getting stuck ‘accidentally’ was just a little too convenient, wasn’t it? All the work of that ardent anti-capitalist Miliband in a Communist plot to bring world trade to its knees. Hope the Speaker doesn’t issue a stern reprimand in my absence for this.

Keir Starmer is Jeremy Corbyn
F.uck it, why not. Starmer is Corbyn and Corbyn is Starmer. And Mao and Stalin and Che Guevara and, of course, Hitler. He forced the Tories to attend Downing Street parties at gunpoint, then killed their families anyway because he’s the Joker. I can say that. Call me a liar about the parties, b.itch. I dare you.

via ~ DailyMakeItAllUp

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Boris Johnson accuses Keir Starmer of failing to prosecute Jack the Ripper​

In a diversion from his prepared remarks on the publication of Sue Gray’s interim report into Number 10 lockdown parties, Boris Johnson has called Labour leader Keir Starmer out for his inability to locate Jack the Ripper, 100 years before his birth.

Flailing wildly for an attack line on the leader of the opposition, the Prime Minister rallied against calls for his resignation by demanding Starmer apologise for letting down the good people of Whitehall so badly over the sordid matter of the Ripper killings.

“He stands there, accusing me of unlawful behaviour; the man who spent more time persecuting lovable workhouse owners than trying to protect the citizens of Victorian London,” burbled Boris in a baffling non-sequitur.

“If the Right Honourable Gentleman had shown a little more forethought, and a little less hindsight, he would have caught Saucy Jacky and banished him to Australia before he’d finished his first kidney.”

When asked by the Speaker where he had found this information, the PM alleged that “it appears in a work by one of this proud nation’s most eminent sons: Charles Dickens, Mr Speaker. And if I may say so, if the Honourable Member opposite doesn’t like it, then he is not a patriot and he is worse than Hitler, the Kaiser, and Oliver Cromwell combined. He hates this country, Mr Speaker, and he wanted those poor prostitutes to die.”

“There, that should do the trick,” remarked Mr Johnson audibly to the Chancellor as he retook his seat to stunned silence on both sides of the house.

As the debate raged on, Johnson moved on to accusing Starmer of gross negligence for neglecting to bring Cain to justice over the slaying of his brother in Biblical times.

via ~ Daily CON Men