Star Jumps will keep you warm this winter.

[SamBally]

Ovo Britains 3rd largest energy company and owned by Stephen Fitzpatrick and worth an estimated £675million recently sent an email to millions of customers, including OAPs and extremely vulnerable customers, ideas on how to keep warm this winter in relation to the astronomical rise in bills.

Here are just a few of Ovo's innovative ideas.


Open your curtains to keep warm naturally.

Keep the oven door open after cooking. Usefully adding if pets or children are about to remember safety.

Hug your pets, pets are very useful for keeping warm.

Eat hearty bowls of porridge.

A hula-hoop contest with the family.

Do a few starjumps.

Hoover the stairs.

Avoid chilli, chilli makes you sweat.


Thatcher and Major's privatization of the energy sector has obviously been an unmitigated success and I think we should all doth our cap and bow our heads in deference and thank Mr. Fitzpatrick for sharing such useful information during the energy crisis. It's extremely reassuring to know our Lords and Masters still have our best interests at heart and I shall now chase the labrador...



Harolddddddd you stole the chicken from the oven come ere you lil bstard..

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

I've been convinced by Ovo that it is possible to warm up cans of tomato soup by holding them in my hand as I 'stroke' a fucking Tory politician (Johnson the c-unt) in the fizzog. 3 reps x 12, max force.

Just say no to violence!

This article comes to you from the satirical cetacea brain belonging to 'concerned in *****', yes that *****, near the castle. ***** and I are related!

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Energy companies have jointly recommended that customers stock up on cows that they can slit open and sleep inside for warmth this winter.​

With demand for gas and electricity sky-high and supplies struggling, energy companies are encouraging people to get inventive to keep warm this winter.

“Many people will struggle to afford to keep their houses warm this year. We can’t lower our prices because a few rich people would still get richer, but not as richer as they want.

“We recommend that people get creative in how they keep themselves warm this year. You could try running on the spot; it’s a great metaphor for life as you put in a lot of effort and get absolutely nowhere.

“Or you could have sex. This obviously won’t be an option for married couples unless you can both sneak out of the house.

“Finally, we suggest that every home have at least one cow in reserve at all times. They make for great sleeping bags on extra cold nights and a hearty meal the next morning,” said the joint spokesperson for the energy companies.

via - Daily MooMoo

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

As resident of a five-bedroom townhouse in London and a Georgian mansion in Yorkshire, heating bills are the bane of my life.

Here are tips on staying warm when the Aga’s broken:

Eat more
A surefire way of staving off the cold is to boost your calorie intake. Ask your cook to rustle up a hearty pie, or rifle through the pantry for loose pumpkin seeds. Struggling to make ends meet? Why not indulge a spare Frube from your child’s generous free school meals package? My favourite flavour is peach.

Do star jumps
I don’t need Joe Wicks to tell me that three hundred star jumps a day will have you sweatier than Matt Hancock at karaoke. Try to incorporate them into your daily routine, for example while asking your housekeeper to take the bins out, brushing your horse, or taking calls from lobbyists.

Go for a drive
A car’s much smaller and easier to heat than a house, and when it’s a government Mercedes with a Special Branch driver it’s a lovely quiet place to relax. A few spins around the M25 and you’ll be sleeping like a baby in the leather rear seats.

Use your tortoise’s heat lamp
No British home is complete without a reptile terrarium. Clamber in with your shelled companions and bask in the warmth of their red light. If you’re cold-blooded like Michael Gove, you won’t need asking twice. He’s never out.

Fly to Brazil
Britain a little cold for you? Why not jet out to Rio with your entire family? Then, after you’ve sunned yourself on Copacabana beach, jump on a flight back and do the weekly shop for your elderly relatives.

via ~ Daily Freeze or Starve