Relationships: keeping the disappointment alive

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

How to drag out an awful relationship to the bitter end​

Are you in a shitshow of a relationship and keen to prolong the misery?

Here are five tips on keeping the disappointment alive:

Give up on romance
Every unhappily-ever-after begins with a lowering of standards, particularly when it comes to time-consuming extras like romance. Declare Valentine’s Day a waste of money, give practical presents like an ironing board for birthdays, and piss with the door open. Behold, romance is dead.

Turn your back on hope
Assuming you won’t find anything better is crucial if you want to invest in a future of disappointment with the person you don’t love. Fully commit to the belief that nobody else will want you, and then spend your life mired in bitterness and resentment because your partner pays their Playstation more attention than you.

Distract yourself
Rather than putting some effort into trying to fix your broken relationship, direct your thoughts elsewhere. A hobby, a pet, a fungal infection – anything that needs regular attention is a great way to keep your mind off how little you feel for your partner and stop you having the time or energy to do anything about it.

Cheat
If a hobby isn’t enough to fill the void in your relationship, distract yourself from the lack of love or physical intimacy by cheating. This will also help you not notice that your partner is cheating too. If you’re both happily being unfaithful you’ll be able to keep your loveless union alive for years longer than you should.

Turn a blind eye
No matter what sh.it your partner throws at you, pretend it never happened. With denial on your side, your crappy relationship will last beyond the limits of the patience of your friends and family, and stop you having to go through the faff of moving house.

via ~ DailyLegOva

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

How to handle divorce the Kanye way.​

Divorce is a uniquely stressful and emotional time, so why not take lessons from a narcissistic multi-millionaire with a god complex?

Start your mid-life crisis early
Many divorcees make the mistake of waiting until the decree nisi to spiral into leather trousers, sports cars and impending bankruptcy. Get things moving at breakneck pace with deranged outbursts, sh**-ugly shoes and a doomed presidential run. Divorce will be waved through.

Change your name to one word
Your spouse abandoning your surname can be hurtful. Go one better by changing your own name to a single syllable two-letter gutteral sound. Might not have the same emotional charge but it will certainly f**king annoy them.

Surround yourself with twats
At worst they’re under investigation for allegations of sexual violence, at best they’re just rich dickheads. Fill your life with people who can call you out on your worst behaviours, then ask them how you can make those behaviours even more aggravating.

Use children as pawns
Children of divorce always look back and say they only wish their parents had used them against each other in bitter, convoluted legal batles even more. Do what’s right for them, and put their needs behind your need to rinse that extra million out of your former spouse.

Be openly resentful
Spouse moving on with someone you deem unsuitable because they’re not you? Make your disapproval very clear. Insinuate he has nefarious ulterior motives. Mutter darkly about your kids. Ignore the fact you’ve got a new girlfriend because it’s irrelevant.

Post everything to social media
Nothing harm can ever come from unleashing all of your most volatile feelings on Instagram, especially when you have 12.7 million followers. Why piss about with passive-aggressive captions? Post multiple pictures of your ex’s new bloke and photoshop his face onto a cartoon character. That’ll show her you’ve moved on.

via ~ DailyPawBlow