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Check out my OnlyFans page​

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By Thérèse Coffey​

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No longer a cabinet minister and with a majority of a mere 20,000, I have been forced to seek alternative sources of income.

Pay me for these:

Fitness training
Online fitness is usually yoga, weights and something called ‘running’ but I prefer exercises you can incorporate into daily life, such as cigar-clipping and burning calories chewing a 32oz steak. And the more rich food you eat, the more just visiting the toilet becomes a muscle-clenching vein-popping workout. Join me on Zoom.

XXX camgirl action
I’ve seen the stick insect models on OnlyFans, emaciated Holly Willoughby types with the physiques of prepubescent boys, and you couldn’t get a good f.uck out of that. I know, I went to Catholic school. Red-blooded chaps should visit my page to watch me pleasuring myself while eating a triple-helping of sticky ribs. Be warned, it gets rather saucy.

No-nonsense advice
I don’t suffer fools gladly, and as a practising Catholic I’ve got answers on everything from abortion – you shouldn’t have shagged him, now you’ve got to face the consequences – to contraception, see my answer to the abortion question. There’s no need to be confused about all this LGBTQ+ nonsense either. Call it what you like, you’re going to hell.

Budgeting tips
I’ve been criticised for saying that people struggling to buy food should ‘work some more hours’ or ‘get upskilled’, which is self-evidently sound advice. I’ve got more, like ‘set up your own law firm’, ‘produce a hit film or song’ and ‘win the lottery’. It’s sheer laziness when the poor refuse to invent cold fusion.

Thérèse’s lingerie hour
I sleep in an old Iron Maiden T-shirt and eminently sensible knickers. I’m not dressing up for anybody. If you want to see me swig brandy from the bottle in that, that’s your business.

My favourite recipes
Life’s too short to make your own dinner. I’m sorry, but if you can’t afford to eat out 14 times a week you’re a failure in life and probably take the bus. However I, like all Tories, am an expert on low-cost meals for the unemployed. Have you tried mashing up cardboard with warm water and a stock cube? It’s not like you’d appreciate grilled turbot.

A very special guest
Yes, my BFF Liz Truss. One of the things I love about Liz is that she’s unorthodox, by which I mean unhinged. I’m hoping to make a regular feature of it on OnlyFans, because I need a f.uck of a lot of subscribers to make up my ministerial salary and I’ve got a feeling a lot of people would pay to see her snorting cayenne pepper and eating live frogs.

TY@TDM