On This Day: ...

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

4000 BC: The world mourns after poetry is invented.

1497 AD: A disappointed John Cabot returns to England from the Labrador coast with news that there’s not a single dog in the sea.

1888: William Kind becomes the first man to be executed by acoustic chair. The ordeal lasts several days and officials decide that an electric chair would be much more humane.

1928: The birth of Andy Warhol, inventor of Campbell’s soup.

1961: “The Big Book of Glue” becomes the first book to be described as “unputdownable”.

1973: Stevie Wonder is involved in a serious automobile accident after an ill-advised attempt to drive himself down to the shops.

1989: Saddam Hussein wins the coveted Moustache of the Year Award, fending off stiff competition from Freddie Mercury and Tom Selleck.

1994: Common sense put on the endangered senses list. It goes on to die out within five years.

1999: Pizza Hut launches its controversial offal-stuffed crust pizza.

August 6th – On This Day in History

4000 BC: The world mourns after poetry is invented. 1497 AD: A disappointed John Cabot returns to England from the Labrador coast with news that...

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[Bad_Influence]

And yet again…. No fecker cares.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

In 277 days​

May 11th – On This Day ​

7000 BC: The first-ever man hatches from his egg.

6999 BC: Bacon and eggs served as a meal for the first time.

316: Birth of Sir David Attenborough.

1239: The moon disappears. It eventually returns with a new look.

1691: Hundreds of Gods cease to exist after they stop believing in themselves.

1851: Dogs invented by scientists looking to improve cats in what is widely considered to be one of the most successful experiments ever.

1973: The great hair explosion of 1972. Named after the number of people who died rather than the year it happened in. 1972 people had their hair explode after a rogue element in nationalised hair spray proved to be highly flammable. Hair spray was subsequently privatised.

1974: The Battle of Waterloo. A pitched battle between those who enjoy ABBA’s hit single ‘Waterloo’ and those who don’t. 14 million people die.

2018: TV’s Badger of ‘Bodger and Badger’ dies during a badger cull organised by a pack of Tory bastards.

2018: Sales of instant mashed potato hit an all-time low.

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[TwoWhalesInAPool]

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[TwoWhalesInAPool]

July 1st

40,293 BC: Aliens land on Earth and decide to tinker with some monkeys. The results are disastrous.

69 AD: Year proclaimed nice by all.

1535: Sir Thomas More named the second James Bond.

1543: England and Scotland sign the Treaty of Greenwich, marking the end of all troubles between the two nations once and for all. ONCE AND FOR ALL!

1688: Toyoda Takahiro, the zen poet, stubs his toe and moves into his hopping mad poet phase.

1867: Canada invented by people who saw the United States of America and thought ‘That’s a bit much.’

1967: Birth of Pamela Anderson, the inventor of the red swimsuit.

2004: Method actor Marlon Brando dies to research an upcoming role as a ghost. The film is never made, meaning Brando died for nothing.

2007: England passes a public smoking ban. Without the smell of smoke masking everything, many pubs are forced to clean for the first time.

2019: James Corden added to terror watchlist.

July 1st - On This Day in History

40,293 BC: Aliens land on Earth and decide to tinker with some monkeys. The results are disastrous. 69 AD: Year proclaimed nice by all. 1535:...

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[TwoWhalesInAPool]

June 28th​

14081 BC: Sand is invented. It quickly gets everywhere.

751 AD: Birth of Carloman I, the first recorded superhero.

1838: The first episode of ‘Coronation Street’ is broadcast in Britain. Sadly, no one watches as the television has still yet to be invented at this point.

1919: Germany signs the Treaty of Versailles without reading the terms and conditions. They hold a massive protest two decades later.

1950: Dog that was legally dead for twenty minutes recovers and reveals that he was greeted by St Bernard guarding the Pearly Gates.

1981: Seven men are shot during a 100m race due to a sloppily made starting pistol. The sprint becomes a two-horse race.

1985: Michael Phelps is born to a male human and female dolphin. Questions are asked.

2014: Scottish band Franz Ferdinand is assassinated, leading to the start of World War III.

2019: Burnley celebrates the installation of its first indoor toilet.

June 28th – On This Day in History

14081 BC: Sand is invented. It quickly gets everywhere. 751 AD: Birth of Carloman I, the first recorded superhero. 1838: The first episode of ‘Coronation...

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[TwoWhalesInAPool]

MAY 18th


97AD: Trousers invented by a man with cold legs.

98: Shorts invented by a man with hot legs.

1467: Britain declares war on France. France surrenders the same day.

1625: France declares war on Britain. France surrenders the same day.

1860: Abraham Lincoln nominated for Beard of the Year. He goes on to lose but uses the anger to launch a successful presidential bid and become the only president to run out of spite until 2016.

1862: First appearance of fish ‘n’ chips. The delicacy quickly replaces the previous English national dish of slop ‘n’ sh1t.

1951: New York spends the modern equivalent of $1.4 billion on a very large apple. It’s displayed in the middle of the city for all to see and a marketing slogan is born.

1966: Sir Bobby Ball scores a hat-trick to win the World Cup for England against their bitter rivals Wales.

2007: NASA confirms that the sun is made of warm.

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[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Aug 13th

24000 BC: Aliens drop a nuclear bomb on Earth, erasing all previous history.

1217 AD: The birth of Jim Davidson’s sense of humour.

1457: The first-ever printed book is published in Germany. David Hasselhoff’s autobiography goes on to be a roaring success.

1787: The Ottoman Empire invents a comfortable footrest/storage solution.

1902: Felix Wankel invents the rotary engine in a testament to what can be achieved by children who’ve been bullied over their name.

1912: Birth of American golfer Ben Hogan. He passes his athletic genes on to his son, Hulk.

1956: Elvis Presley records his hit single “Hound Dog”. The song was originally called “Hot Dog” but Elvis was unable to make it through the chorus without drooling.

1961: The construction of the Berlin Wall begins, as overseen by President Donald Trump.

2013: Birth of Prince Andrew’s current girlfriend.

August 13th – On This Day in History

24000 BC: Aliens drop a nuclear bomb on Earth, erasing all previous history. 1217 AD: The birth of Jim Davidson’s sense of humour. 1457: The...

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[TwoWhalesInAPool]

JULY 13

100 BC: The birth of Roman Emperor and knife-holder Julius Caesar.

574 AD: Death of Pope John III.

939: Death of Pope Leo VII. The Vatican declares July 13th ‘a bad day for Popeing’.

1754: George Washington surrenders Fort Necessity to the French, providing that it wasn’t such a necessity after all. This leaves France in control of Ohio Valley. The French hand back control after spending roughly ten minutes in the area.

1923: The famous ‘Hollywood’ sign is installed in the hills above California. It originally read ‘Pervertland’ but that was considered a little on the nose.

1985: The Live Aid concert takes place and is widely criticised for raising awareness of Bob Geldof.

1993: Manchester told their chances of hosting the 2000 Olympics Games are ‘very, very high’. This was shortly before Olympic officials actually visited Manchester and subsequently awarded the event to Sydney, Australia.

2012: Britain’s sense of decency is declared missing, presumed dead.

2016: Prime Minister David Cameron resigns due to a rare health condition known as cock-in-pig disease.

July 13th - On This Day in History

100 BC: The birth of Roman Emperor and knife-holder Julius Caesar. 574 AD: Death of Pope John III. 939: Death of Pope Leo VII. The...

www.dailysquat.com

 

[TheBabayaga]

4000 BC: The world mourns after poetry is invented.

1497 AD: A disappointed John Cabot returns to England from the Labrador coast with news that there’s not a single dog in the sea.

1888: William Kind becomes the first man to be executed by acoustic chair. The ordeal lasts several days and officials decide that an electric chair would be much more humane.

1928: The birth of Andy Warhol, inventor of Campbell’s soup.

1961: “The Big Book of Glue” becomes the first book to be described as “unputdownable”.

1973: Stevie Wonder is involved in a serious automobile accident after an ill-advised attempt to drive himself down to the shops.

1989: Saddam Hussein wins the coveted Moustache of the Year Award, fending off stiff competition from Freddie Mercury and Tom Selleck.

1994: Common sense put on the endangered senses list. It goes on to die out within five years.

1999: Pizza Hut launches its controversial offal-stuffed crust pizza.

August 6th – On This Day in History

4000 BC: The world mourns after poetry is invented. 1497 AD: A disappointed John Cabot returns to England from the Labrador coast with news that...

www.dailysquat.com

2015: Google is born giving brain dead zombie like humans the false illusion they have a brain cell, this dellusion is then further reinforced by the intruduction of the "smart "phone. Yes, It is has the word smart in the description.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Aug 24

79: Mount Vesuvius erupts after idiotic children pour large amounts of vinegar and baking soda into the hole on top.

1256: Roger Bacon, a Franciscan friar, invents the bacon sandwich.

1522: A set of blueprints found in Leonardo da Vinci’s old home appears to show a possible design for the PlayStation 6.

1812: William Hill becomes the first man to win ten games of Russian Roulette. It’s later discovered he cheated every time. His actions were honoured by a chain of gambling shops.

1846: Charlotte Bronte sends a publisher the manuscript for “Jane Eyre” under the pseudonym J. R. Hartley.

1968: France becomes the fifth global thermonuclear power. The impending threat of nuclear war instantly causes France to surrender to itself.

2006: Pluto relegated from a planet to a dwarf planet. The loss of funds causes Pluto to sell off most of its best features to nearby Neptune.

2017: Burnley builds its first-ever indoor toilet.

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Sept 20

1835: The decade-long Ragamuffin War starts in Brazil, lasting until key victories in the Rapscallion Clash and the Scallywag Skirmish.

1967: Queen Elizabeth II is launched into the ocean. She floats there successfully until 2008. It’s believed that being pickled in salty water for so long is the key to her longevity.

1973: Billie Jean King defeats Bobby Riggs in a tennis match dubbed the “Battle of the Sexes”. The follow-up boxing match between Muhammad Ali and Doris Day is an absolute slaughter.

1990: East Germany and West Germany ratify reunification. Sadly, North Germany and South Germany decline to join.

2001: President George W Bush declares a “war on Terry” after misspeaking on camera. With President Bush being too proud to admit his mistake, millions of Terrys are killed. The population of Terrys is unlikely to ever recover.

2013: NASA announces that it won’t explore Uranus as it’s simply too rude.

2017: Hipsters attempt to gentrify Burnley ends in disaster after they’re all eaten by the natives.

via - Squatters Daily