Not worried

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

TRIGGER WARNING​

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Cockroaches, Tories and GB News viewers are not that worried about nuclear apocalypse​

The three most indestructible pests in the world – cockroaches, Tories and GB News viewer gammons – are not losing any sleep over a potential atomic holocaust.

Liz Truss, UK Foreign Secretary, is writing a letter to the Russian Ambassador.

Well, ‘drawing a letter’ would be more accurate, for the missive is comprised of a hastily sketched cock and balls, the head of the penis turned into a crude likeness of President Putin.

Where a more traditional graffiti artist would have opted for droplets of semen, Ms Truss has drawn little mushroom clouds.

At the bottom of this page – this expensive page embossed with the Foreign Office watermark – the Secretary of State has written, ‘Bring it on you wanker!!’

Is Ms Truss not worried that her remarks might further fan the flames of nuclear warfare?

“Nah, I don’t give a s.hit,” she said, her antennae twitching in a constant search for new opportunities to make a diplomatic faux pas.

“What you have to understand is that, if we get nuked, all us Tories and GB News viewers will crawl out of the radioactive rubble with barely a scratch on our wax-coated exoskeletons.

“All that would happen is that the general public and all flora and fauna apart from cockroaches would die – and you don’t become a Tory cabinet minister or supporter by caring about the general public or the environment.

“People can joke all they like about Boris surviving an atomic bomb by climbing into a fridge like Indiana Jones, but the simple truth is that he cannot be physically destroyed. How the hell do you think he’s still Prime Minister?

“It’s the same for all of us.

“For example, Nadine Dorries and Neil Oliver would be positively at home in a world of cockroaches – they are used to being covered in them and actually quite enjoy eating them, particularly their anal styles, which they both consider a delicacy.

“Jacob Rees-Mogg survived Hiroshima and he’ll survive anything Putin throws our way now.

“And Michael Gove’s face melted years ago, so he doesn’t have to worry about that.

“No, it will take far more than nuclear Armageddon to remove the Conservatives from office!”

via ~ DailyInsecticide

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Russian pigeon executed after repeatedly shouting “Coup, Coup!”​

A Russian pigeon was executed by firing squad today.

The pigeon, who has yet to be formally identified, was shot after allegedly calling for a Russian coup on a repeated basis.

“All day, every day,” confirmed Russian soldier, Vladimir Williams.

“We cannot tolerate such talk of insubordination, even from a seemingly harmless entity such as a pigeon.

“Let this be a lesson to any other pigeons who have designs on a ‘coup’ and wish to vocalise that in public.”

Pigeon, Hayley Rice, commented “Coo!” and then immediately ducked to avoid a hail of gunfire.

“Ugh, this is going to be a long few months,” she continued.

“That’s the noise we make. It’s not like we have a plan to overthrow Vladimir Putin and install a friendly pigeon dictator sponsored by the West or anything.

“Not as far as we’re prepared to admit, anyway.”

via ~ DailyPie

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

Sanctions could see Russia as isolated as post-Brexit Britain​

There is speculation the sanctions imposed on Russia by the rest of the world could lead to it becoming as isolated on the world stage as Britain has become since Brexit.

The sanctions, which include financial penalties, cultural isolation, and the imposition of a pariah status, are thought to be largely the same as those which Britain imposed on itself by process of its own Brexit deal.

“I wouldn’t say Brexit was the model for these sanctions,” explained Eleanor Gay, an economist who advised the US and EU on how to target sanctions against Russia.

“It’s just that by imposing crippling sanctions on a country and completely isolating them in the international community just happens to look a lot like Boris Johnson’s Brexit deal.

“I mean, if you’d said to me – would you ever want to inflict as much financial, cultural and diplomatic damage on a country as Britain did to themselves with Brexit? Then I’d have said no, of course not, we’re not monsters.

“It’s just that the biggest set of sanctions ever imposed on a country just coincidentally happens to look a lot like Brexit.

Meanwhile, in Russia, a local man – Simon Williamsovitch – walked around a supermarket full of empty shelves and inflated prices and marvelled.

“British people actually voted for something like this to happen? To themselves? Extraordinary.”

via ~ DailyNyet

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

The Vladimir Putin I knew, by some deluded prick​

A megalomaniac madman mumbling nonsense about neo-Nazi drug addicts to justify a disastrous invasion?

That’s not the warm, kind, generous Vladimir Putin I once knew.

No, when I was Vlad’s art dealer, party planner and confidante for more than a decade, he was an urbane, confident leader who would never think of violently repressing anyone apart from Chechnya.

I would walk into his simple billion-dollar palace on the Black Sea where he would be lounging beneath a portrait of Stalin – who he admired purely as a person – discoursing knowledgeably on the work of Jeff Koons and the effectiveness of vacuum bombs.

Other than the single occasion when I saw him beating a member of an opposing political party until his knuckles bled, he was never less than gracious and convivial. And we all have bad days.

If you’d met the Vlad I met, you too would have enjoyed his witty, light-hearted company and found it difficult to believe he had ordered the agonising poisoning of Alexander Litvinenko with polonium in a London hotel.

He seemed so rational, so strategic. Not at all the kind of man who would cause the entire city of Salisbury to be decontaminated because he’d ordered enough nerve toxin to kill tens of thousands to be used on one former double agent.

I’m baffled as to how the former KGB officer who invaded Georgia, backed a coup in Montenegro and annexed the Crimea has come to this. That’s not the Putin I knew. That’s not him at all.

via ~ DailyMadVlad

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

TRIGGER WARNING

Huge convoy approaching Kyiv ‘just protesting vaccine mandates’ insists Russia​

The miles-long convoy currently clogging up Ukraine’s main highway is a legitimate protest against vaccine mandates and masks, and attacks on it are a serious infringement of free speech, according to a statement issued by the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs today.

Rejecting any suggestion that the convoy was supported by Russian interests, spokesman Simeon Wiliamsovitch told the last reporter remaining in Russia that it was important people understand the legitimate concerns of the convoy drivers, on pain of death.

“Ukraine recently introduced rules insisting anyone crossing their border must be vaccinated and these drivers are protesting the unjustness of this law,” he said.

“If they have to, they will take their protest to the heart of Kyiv and bring the city to a standstill by any means necessary.

“As usual it’s one rule in the so-called ‘free west’ and one rule for ordinary, hard-working truckers, tank drivers and MLRS operators, and suggesting otherwise is fascism.”

via ~ DailyTriggerTheFascists

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

TRIGGER WARNING

 

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The bastards make us pay our own moat-cleaning bills now: An MP defends his pay rise​

A Tory MP has defended his £2200 pay rise by reminding his constituents he can no longer claim for any old sh** he fancies on expenses.

Sir Denys Finch Hatton, member for Somerset South, says he needs an extra two grand a year to pay for essentials like a sit-on lawnmower for his gardener, which he used to be able to rinse taxpayers for.

Sir Denys said: “You plebs think you’re struggling with the cost of living, but what about people like me? I used to be able to make you pay for having my swimming pool boiler serviced, but now I have to shell out for it from my own money.

“The moat around my mansion doesn’t clean itself, you know. Then there are expensive cab fares absolutely everywhere and strangely stingy expenses like 90p for a tea towel. If I paid for all that myself I’d soon be fractionally less rich.

“As a nation we are facing a huge decline in living standards, and no one is suffering more than me. Do you know how much getting an interior designer in to spruce up your second home costs? A bloody fortune, when someone else isn’t paying for it.

“So, yes, I do deserve a pay rise on top of my £82k salary, consultancy fees, board memberships and massive inherited wealth. That’s what we meant by ‘levelling up’, didn’t you realise?”

via ~ DailyCONservatives

 

[TwoWhalesInAPool]

'Just a recently deleted page from the current Conservative co-chairman’s company website…'jb