Kev45
UKChat chattiest chatter of the year 2024.
- Joined
- Nov 2, 2022
- Messages
- 1,375
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- 787
UNCLE? A bit dodgy and aged 50 or above? Then Christmas is nothing more than an opportunity to win Nigel Farage the next election. This is how to hijack every topic:
“Mmm, the turkey is delicious”
An easy jump to Reform due to the ubiquity of Brussels sprouts. As you skewer one, angrily say: ‘That’s all we’re getting from Brussels this year, thank God!’ before outlining the many Brexit benefits the BBC has ignored and how only Reform will ensure we stay out. Ignore your relatives, realising they’re in for a lot more of this.
“At Christmas, we think of others rather than ourselves”
Even non-Royalists watch the King’s Speech out of morbid curiosity, and it’s surprisingly straightforward to shoehorn Reform in. Charles is speaking from a hospital chapel, which is the perfect opportunity to say: ‘I’m surprised he’s not doing it from a mosque!’ Before explaining that Reform is the only choice if you don’t want to live under Sharia law.
“Shame it’s not a white Christmas”
Ignore the bait. Instead, veer off on a tangent about global warming, its non-occurence despite what might appear to be scientific evidence, and the net-zero hoax. Then launch into a loving hagiography of Nigel Farage that, if another bloke had said it about a fellow male, it would have caused you to label him a ‘p**f’.
“These kids are always on their phones, mind you our John’s no better”
Phones? Technology. Technological genius driving the world forward? Elon Musk, philanthropist, whose $100 million makes Reform’s glorious victory in the 2029 election inevitable. Unlike unelected Brussels bureaucrats dictating British laws, this is foreign interference that’s good.
“Oh, is the penguin back in it this time? I like the penguin”
Wallace & Gromit: Vengeance Most Fowl does indeed feature the return of Feathers McGraw, who, as a non-indigenous species, is a foreign criminal. ‘Reform would have made sure he was deported!’ you crow, breathlessly, running in from the garden where you’ve been having a fag and a sly swig from your hip flask.
“Now that Leona Lewis Christmas song, I do like that”
At this point, family are sticking to the safest of subjects. They’ll learn. Agree One More Sleep is ‘a classic’ and that Ms Lewis, of mixed-race, is a ‘very pretty girl’. And therefore you are not racist, which is an unfair assumption about Reform voters and Nigel specifically. ‘The lies they tell about him,’ you sigh.
“The tree’s dropped a lot of needles this year”
Requires lateral thinking, but What did the EU ban in 2017? Vacuum cleaners rated over 900W. What do we have, post-Brexit? Powerful vacuum cleaners that will easily suck up those annoying pine needles. And this, simply, is why everyone must vote Reform.
“Mmm, the turkey is delicious”
An easy jump to Reform due to the ubiquity of Brussels sprouts. As you skewer one, angrily say: ‘That’s all we’re getting from Brussels this year, thank God!’ before outlining the many Brexit benefits the BBC has ignored and how only Reform will ensure we stay out. Ignore your relatives, realising they’re in for a lot more of this.
“At Christmas, we think of others rather than ourselves”
Even non-Royalists watch the King’s Speech out of morbid curiosity, and it’s surprisingly straightforward to shoehorn Reform in. Charles is speaking from a hospital chapel, which is the perfect opportunity to say: ‘I’m surprised he’s not doing it from a mosque!’ Before explaining that Reform is the only choice if you don’t want to live under Sharia law.
“Shame it’s not a white Christmas”
Ignore the bait. Instead, veer off on a tangent about global warming, its non-occurence despite what might appear to be scientific evidence, and the net-zero hoax. Then launch into a loving hagiography of Nigel Farage that, if another bloke had said it about a fellow male, it would have caused you to label him a ‘p**f’.
“These kids are always on their phones, mind you our John’s no better”
Phones? Technology. Technological genius driving the world forward? Elon Musk, philanthropist, whose $100 million makes Reform’s glorious victory in the 2029 election inevitable. Unlike unelected Brussels bureaucrats dictating British laws, this is foreign interference that’s good.
“Oh, is the penguin back in it this time? I like the penguin”
Wallace & Gromit: Vengeance Most Fowl does indeed feature the return of Feathers McGraw, who, as a non-indigenous species, is a foreign criminal. ‘Reform would have made sure he was deported!’ you crow, breathlessly, running in from the garden where you’ve been having a fag and a sly swig from your hip flask.
“Now that Leona Lewis Christmas song, I do like that”
At this point, family are sticking to the safest of subjects. They’ll learn. Agree One More Sleep is ‘a classic’ and that Ms Lewis, of mixed-race, is a ‘very pretty girl’. And therefore you are not racist, which is an unfair assumption about Reform voters and Nigel specifically. ‘The lies they tell about him,’ you sigh.
“The tree’s dropped a lot of needles this year”
Requires lateral thinking, but What did the EU ban in 2017? Vacuum cleaners rated over 900W. What do we have, post-Brexit? Powerful vacuum cleaners that will easily suck up those annoying pine needles. And this, simply, is why everyone must vote Reform.
