Horror-Scopes

[Shak]

Aries​

Birth date: 21 March - 19 April
Jail sentences between 5 and 10 years may be applicable to your situation today. If you can't tell your arse from your elbow, it might be time to lose some weight. Flabby arms are not attractive to anyone but the walking dead or possibly alley cats and dogs.
There a lots of sweet delights in the air today, especially if a trip to the sweet shop is in the offing. And if not, well, it might not be quite so true.

Taurus​

Birth date: 20 April - 20 May

Money makes the world go round only in a metaphorical sense. Now that you understand that, try not to embarrass yourself in front of other by declaring that other metaphorical phrases are indeed based on science and physics.
A horoscope writer nearby may suffer from brain-related, spirit-induced, pains over the coming months. This may cause the odd horoscope to be imperfect but tantalising.

The heavens are unpredictable for laymen, yet I am truly the seer or seers. Bow before me and tremble in fear that my wrath may cause you stubbed-toes.

Gemini​

Birth date: 21 May - 21 June

Homeopathic treatments are not generally carried out by psychopathic people. I'm not entirely sure you know that the 'pathic' part of those two words doesn't mean that they're related.

All the email addresses in the world won't make up for the fact that you are socially awkward.
The differences between you and your peers sets you apart. And by apart, I mean they're thinking of relocating you so that you're as far apart as physically possible.

​

 

[Shak]

Cancer​

Birth date: 22 June - 22 July

Accusing your friends of dastardly deeds is a good way to find relief after losing a "wacky race". Be wary of emails claiming to be from PayPal or eBay - they are almost certainly your "most like a junky" friends trying to get a rise out of you. In fact, they're probably watching you from a webcam placed somewhere around the room you're currently in. We're 99% sure that's where these scam emails come from - people YOU know.

Feeling locked up when you're in an open park is a sure sign that you're slightly claustrophobic. This horoscope was brought to you in association with the bloody obvious.

Leo​

Birth date: 23 July - 22 August

Always think "Take the easy way out". You won't go wrong. Fault for your situation can be accredited to anyone you wish - go nuts! Good fortune will stalk you like a mean spirited vulture today and won't spread any of his juicy fortune charm over you.

Virgo​

Birth date: 23 August - 22 September

You have your Southern folk. And you have your Northern folk. Which you are is probably not of consequence, because you're stranger than most. Parts of you are pleased that you are to become single once again. Mostly the groinal parts.

The countries that have issued orders for your arrest will close in today and cause you to go without clean pants for two days.

 

[Shak]

Libra​

Birth date: 23 September - 23 October

The future holds great peril for a masked magician in your area. Please phone your nearest masked magician and let him know. Actions take a moment, consequences last a lifetime.

Friends have always tried to convince you of your madness, but never more so will that be true than this coming weekend.

No-one likes to be told they have an STD, which is why, as a doctor, you are ecstatic whenever you have the opportunity to ruin someone's day.

Scorpio​

Birth date: 24 October - 21 November

You will be glad of a loved one's ability to almost painlessly remove splinters from your backside. Unwashed and lonely - don't let your future become this. Only you hold the key to getting yourself out of your personal gutter.

The cigarette burn mark on your arm may fade over the coming days and will be replaced by a tattoo of a young lady swathed in roses.

Sagittarius​

Birth date: 22 November - 21 December

Tantalising new evidence that you're about to have fun is going to reveal itself today. The opportunities you once had are all but gone. Seize any new opportunity with all your might.
If you're terrified by the thought of someone being able to look into your mind...are you sure you should be here, because that's what I'm doing right now.
This week is going to be one of those "trials by fire" type nightmares that happen every so often. I wish I could give you more details but then you'd have no good reason to return over the coming days, would you? The likelihood is that you're going to feel very miserable about it and for a few days you might sport a "pout" that could actually win awards.

 

[Shak]

Capricorn​

Birth date: 22 December - 19 January

The music you have been listening to has been tainted by the devil. A trip to the doctors should quell any anxiety you have about being a pair of curtains, although his diagnosis may be less than helpful.

You will find a butterfly in your face some time this week.

Aquarius​

Birth date: 20 January - 18 February
Think of a number. Now times that number by eighteen. I can confidently predict that your number does not rhyme with "Golfing Umbrella". The chance for change has long since left you.

Your legs look nice today. Show them off in some kind of very short skirt that nearly shows your organy-bits. Yes Derek, I'm talking to you!

Pisces​

Birth date: 19 February - 20 March
Placing your mouth around the exhaust of a car stuck in traffic is bound to cause more traffic problems. Please take into consideration the needs of others.

Wednesday will be a good day for you this month, but which Wednesday in particular is up to you.

Your ability to speak may be impaired today as you attempt to swallow half of a live hedgehog.

 

[LadyOnArooftop]

Parts of you are pleased that you are to become single once again. Mostly the groinal parts.

I'm bedazzled by the likes of you
charmed by all you type and do
but I must mention
the need for attention
of my groinal parts... usage is overdue!